


Beyond My Touch

by DLanaDHZ



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-20
Updated: 2010-10-20
Packaged: 2017-11-28 06:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 84,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/671216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DLanaDHZ/pseuds/DLanaDHZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"If someone had told me meeting Merlin would change me this much, I'd have gotten them arrested, but I'm starting to like it." A story about realizing what you never knew you wanted. In which Arthur is a posh movie star and Merlin works at a bookstore, and it's really all Mordred's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Young Adult Books

**Author's Note:**

> A 'lovely' reviewer on LJ pointed out to me that I apparently screwed up when it came to British health care. I do apologize, but please take it with a grain of salt. Thanks.

Early morning hit me hard. The curtains hadn't been closed last night, it seemed, and the sun streaked in right on my face. I grunted and rolled away from it. My head was killing me. As I recovered from the bright sun rays, I tried to remember why I ached so much. It wasn't a common occurrence to wake up in pain… though it wasn't really a rare experience either. It happened every so often in my life, but what had I done this time?

Now the memories flooded me and I groaned again. That's right. Yesterday I forced the director to let me do my own stunts, which included a fighting sequence. I had been shirtless in the fight, so they couldn't shield me with padding or anything. That would explain the pulsating pain in my left arm. I groaned and rolled onto my back to relieve the pressure on that arm. Here, I let out a sigh. The sun was back in my face.

"Okay, okay," I grunted. "I'm getting up."

I rolled out of my king size, ultra comfortable bed and groggily walked to my closet. With tired eyes and a yawn, I pulled out a pre-arranged outfit. I grunted as I slipped out of my night shirt and into my new clothes. I had no job today so it was just a pair of ass hugging jeans and a slimming shirt. I tilted my head and looked in my mirror. I looked pretty good, but a necklace would make it better, so I grabbed a whistle necklace my producer had once given me and slipped it on. As noted, it was just an inch long whistle turned sideways and hung like a charm.

"Arthur!" a voice called just before someone began knocking on my bedroom door. I groaned and rolled my eyes. "Don't roll your eyes at me, Arthur. Come on, get up! You promised we'd go out today. Let's go!" the voice whined at me and then the knocking stopped and they left.

"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled and snatched a jacket and sunglasses off my desk.

My name is Arthur Pendragon. I was born into fame. My father was a grand producer up until a few years ago, and my mother was a famous actress. I know. I've watched her movies. I was always surrounded by a camera flash, and I enjoyed every minute of it. The press always wanted to know what little baby Arthur wanted for his birthday or what my favorite color was that year. I was always seeing flash bulbs go off, being asked questions, traveling the world with my parents, and being told I would be famous one day.

Famous, I didn't care about. Attention, I did. I loved feeling like everyone cared about me. I loved getting what I wanted. If I had to be famous to do it, then by god I was going to be famous.

It wasn't hard. With dad being a producer and mom being in movies, it was almost too easy to snag a child-role in a big budget movie. From then, things slid into my hands like mail slides into the letterbox. All my life, it's been that way. Some call me preppy. Some call me callus. Some call me spoiled. I don't care what they call me as long as they're paying attention to me. I want everything. I want everyone.

I want all attention to be on me.

"Arthur!" the angry voice nearly shrieked. I winced and rolled my eyes.

"I'm coming!" I yelled back in annoyance. I swung the door to my room open and trudged out to meet with the bane of my existence – my seven years younger sibling, Mordred. When I finally stepped up next to him by the elevator to the suite that was my house, he was smiling up at me as though he were the most innocent creature on the planet.

"Morning," he greeted.

"Don't 'morning' me. Did you push the button?" I asked, glancing up to see the down arrow was indeed pressed. "Well at least you're not a total brat."

I want all the attention to be on me… but not all the time. Also, I work hard not to show that pompous side of me to the public. People tend to praise and worship you more when you're kind and humble. So to the public, I was the dashing, handsome, wonderful Arthur Pendragon. Inside, I was demanding they pay attention to me… in the most moralistic ways, of course. However, there were times I liked not being noticed. For instance, when my brother wants to go shopping… I prefer we not be recognized. When my brother wants anything, sometimes I wish he'd forget I existed and take dad.

I loved attention, but it was nice… every once in a while… to get away and be able to enjoy a day alone. A day with Mordred, however, was in no way 'a day alone'. It was more like 'a day to draw the attention of every paparazzi within a hundred yards to see the two of you together so you have to pretend to love Mordred as if you were the Brady Bunch.'

Honestly, I'd rather watch grass grow.

The elevator moved too slowly for both of us. I was falling asleep against the wall as we descended fifty-four floors. Mordred was a known Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder and was pressing every button as we passed the floor it was for so that it would let us off and then return to every floor. Then he'd stare up at me until the elevator binged again and he'd return to his game of pressing buttons. It was a rather maniacal thing to do... which I hadn't realized until the day we'd gotten off only to realize we'd forgotten my car keys up on the dining room table. Ever since, however, I always make sure I have everything before leaving... and I mean everything.

In my jacket pockets I had my cell phone, my car keys, my lip balm, my ipod, two pens, my wallet, and a small wad of cash in case I needed to pay someone to shut their mouth about who we were.. or in case I needed to make a quick purchase.

"Where are we going?" I asked groggily. Mordred looked straight ahead at the buttons as though nothing else in the world mattered.

"I thought you knew," he said, his voice almost a whisper compared to earlier. "We're going to the book store… and then we're going to get ice cream. And mom says you have to get me anything I want."

"Has anyone ever told you you're an extortionist?" I asked rhetorically.

"Only you," Mordred replied with a pleased smile.

-

The bookstore was not my favorite place in the world. I liked books just fine, but it was the section Mordred enjoyed that made most places involved with books develop a bad taste in my mouth. Mordred liked… how could I put this gently? Mordred liked horror novels and novels about ancient kings and wars. He liked dark books with usually happy endings – or at least endings where things worked out.

Mordred was the kind of kid who enjoyed the Saw movies just as much as Tristan and Isolde. It was rather scary, to be honest. I could imagine him throttling me in my sleep, which was probably part of the reason I did most things he asked me to do.

I meandered through the shelves as Mordred searched for a book to read. He never came with a specific book in mind. He only ever chose after skimming the summaries of at least twenty books. I didn't even want a book. I frowned and hung my sunglasses down around my neck. I wore a beanie on my head that covered my hair so I should be safe. Besides, most famous people could walk around completely unnoticed in public. I would be fine.

I tilted my head back to look up at the top shelf of books just out of curiosity. I was in the fantasy section. Most books around this area tended to lean more toward the sex related romance mushy stuff, but every once in awhile you found a good one. It was near the end of the isle that I found my feet tango with a misplaced book and tripped onto the floor. With an angry grunt, I pushed myself up to my knees and turned to glare at the book.

Instead of a book, however, I found a guy kneeling on the ground – much like I was. He was lithe with slightly shaggy black hair. As soon as I turned to look back, I saw his hand shoot to his head and start trying to mash his hair into submission. As it stood, he wasn't doing a very good job.

"What are you doing?" I asked dryly. His hand froze and he quickly reached forward. Then his hand slowed and he carefully touched the tips of his fingers to the book I'd tripped over. Then, with rapid reflexes, he snatched the book up into his arms and then slid it masterfully onto one of the shelves.

"Shelving," he replied.

"Yeah? Well you should be more careful. What would you have done if I had gotten hurt?" I snapped quietly so as not to draw attention. He shrugged and I dare say I saw a smile on his pale lips. In fact, he was pale all over – as if his skin didn't know the sun or only said hi to it at family reunions.

"Offered you a new nose?" he joked. I frowned disappointedly.

"Are you saying I need a new nose?" I accused. The other male shrugged and let out a short laugh as he picked himself up off the ground. He offered his hand down to me.

"I wouldn't know, Arthur," he replied. My brow creased even as I accepted his hand and let him pull me to my feet. His hand was firmer than I'd expected. His grip was stronger.

"How'd you know my name?" I asked, ripping my hand back as soon as I was up. He didn't look offended, but he did look a bit confused. The male was wearing cheap sunglasses, the kind that really didn't block any light. His gaze was directed down and to the right, and that made me a bit testy. Why weren't his eyes on me?

"I recognized your voice. I hear it on the tv all the time. Excuse me. I need to get back to work," he explained in a very professional manner and turned to leave.

I watched him curiously. I couldn't deny the growing feeling of… anger? He hadn't looked at me even once! He had recognized me and hadn't asked for my autograph! He hadn't seemed stunned or shocked or even mildly surprised to see me! How was that even possible?!

"Hey," I barely spoke up at all. The other male was all the way down the aisle. I watched as he dragged one hand down the shelves of books, stopping at each break to feel something there and then continuing. Every few paces, he stopped to slide a book onto the shelf.

"Hey," I said again, louder. I took a step toward him only to be grabbed from behind by a small hand. The worker stopped and turned his head ever so slightly to acknowledge me. I would've moved to prod him about his actions, but my hand was tugged on forcefully.

"Hey, Arthur," Mordred murmured, tugging on me again and forcing my attention down at him. The store worker continued his walk. "I want these two," my brother said, holding up two rather normal looking books. I glanced over at the vanishing back of the mysterious male as I took the books from Mordred.

"Aren't these a bit mild for you?" I asked, looking over the titles. Inkheart was recognizable but the other was a mystery to me. Mordred nodded.

"I want to broaden my options," he admitted. "I'm growing weary of death books… besides, one of the workers suggested them to me a month ago, but I had been reading the Bourne series at the time… remember?"

"Well duh. You only made me watch the movies three times so you could thoroughly tell me why they were wrong – which you should've known from the start, by the way. No Doug Liman film is going to stick to the book. Now are you sure you want these two? I don't want you to go and change your mind between here and the register," I said. I felt oddly annoyed at Mordred, and not for dragging me out here. I was upset that he'd interrupted me in the midst of trying to talk to that store worker.

How odd.

"Yep. Let's go," Mordred urged and tugged on my shirt to drag me to the front of the store. I couldn't argue if I wanted to.

The books were cheap compared to how much my mother made in a day. Honestly, the money we made was the only reason Mordred was allowed any book he wanted and any ice cream he fancied. The brat was always changing what he wanted on any given day, so it was impossible to go out and just buy some kind of food for him. Mother said he was in the stage of life where you want to explore your options and test new things. In Mordred's case this pertained to food… and apparently now books.

For a moment I wondered which store clerk had been able to convince Mordred to read children's books. Granted they were higher level books labeled in the children's fiction section, but they were still children's books. I'd like to see who it was just so I could rate my shock. Mordred was usually very stubborn when it came to things he knew he liked.

Instantly, my mind went to the male shelving books that I'd probably nearly kicked in the head while tripping. I wondered if that had been the store worker who'd spoken with Mordred. No. I shook my head. I was putting much too much importance on one random man I'd happened to encounter today. Still, next time Mordred took me shopping here, I was going to find the man again and make sure he gave me the proper attention I deserved.

It was only half an hour later at Mordred's favorite ice cream shoppe that I realized something that made me curse under my breath. My sunglasses were missing. I frowned deeply. They'd fallen off when I'd tripped. Damn. Well wasn't this the start of a perfect day?

\-- -- -- -- -- --

"So, Arthur, did you do anything interesting on your day off?" my mother asked. The difference between my mother and my father was the way their questions made you feel. If my mother asked you something about you're day, you felt at ease. You wanted to tell her anything she wanted to know, and you wanted her to know. She was sweet.

"Yes, Arthur. What did you do with your time today?" my father interjected. I frowned. When father asked a question like that it felt like he didn't trust you or wouldn't believe you. It was as if he knew something horribly wrong that I'd done... which I hadn't done. I think it was the way he used his tone and the inflection in his words.... Whatever.

"I bought Mordred two young adult books and a double scoop strawberry mint ice cream cone with a cheery on top," I explained. "Then I passed time in the gym."

The information seemed to take them both a moment to catch. I watched with interest as their expressions turned curious and then shocked. Then both of them looked up at me and away from their dinners.

"A young adult book?" they asked together.

"He hasn't read one of those since... well since I used to read to him," My mother exclaimed in awe. I smirked.

"Yes, well apparently a store clerk made quite the impression on him so now he wants to 'broaden his options'... or I believe that's the way he put it," I quoted off-handedly as though it was as common as sunshine in California. "You know that new movie Inkheart? Yes, it seems he's going to read the book before ever watching it. Remind me to leave the house when you buy it."

"My goodness," father breathed out. Now I felt a tingle of jealousy. Was it really so hard to believe Mordred was reading something normal? They were never this shocked over anything I did... Why were they never shocked at something I did? Was I not random enough? Should I start reading textbooks and coloring on the walls? I pressed my lips together firmly as I thought.

"You know, it's not that big of a deal," I said at length. "They're just books. Excuse me... I think I need to retire before I suffocate."

I pushed my chair back and left the room just as Mordred was walking in. I'd barely touched my food, but I'd only been sitting before it for a few minutes. Mordred followed my retreat from the room but eventually sat down to dinner with our parents regarding him like the missing link.... the little freak. What had he done that was so special?

Back in my room, I found myself brooding. I wasn't a fan of this habit and disliked people to find out I did it. Still, I couldn't help it. The feeling of annoyance toward Mordred was returning in a way it had never occurred before. Starting in that bookstore, I felt as though Mordred was... taking something of mine? That was the best way to put it, but I didn't mean as in feeling like he took the attention of someone from me. No, this was a completely different form of stealing that I wasn't used to. Why did I feel like Mordred had taken something truly special away from me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview:
> 
> Morgana had drifted over in a long classy dress and greeted me with a curtsy.
> 
> "Lord Ryan, good morning," she'd greeted with a playful grin.
> 
> I loved being an actor, but sometimes I wanted to strangle some people.
> 
> "I thought you outgrew this five years ago! Don't you remember, Arthur? You're actions have consequences!"
> 
> Merlin and Will both looked in my direction and stared. For one moment, I thought they were both looking past me. Will seemed to see I wasn't being entirely truthful. He frowned at me and gave me another once over. I bit the inside of my cheek again and winced when I drew blood.


	2. A Hazard for Health

It was a long day at work for me. I was working on a new movie with Morgana Le Fay, and I was not looking forward to it in the slightest. When I arrived on set, Morgana had drifted over in a long classy dress and greeted me with a curtsy. Her hair was done up in long, bouncing curls.

"Lord Ryan, good morning," she'd greeted with a playful grin. I rolled my eyes. I wasn't even in costume yet and she was trying to impress me.

"Morgana, really, I'm not Ryan yet," I gently scolded and tapped her lightly on the head, careful not to mess up her hair. Make-up would murder me for messing up their two hour hair job. Morgana frowned at me.

"Honestly, Arthur Pendragon. Couldn't you play along once in a while? You're an actor, or did you forget?" she teased cruelly. I smirked as I passed by her.

"Never," I assured. "Though I am late for wardrobe, so if you'll excuse me…"

"Alright. I'll see you on set then," she called to my back, though I could tell she was upset with me still.

After that wonderful experience, I had two hours in costume and make-up where they added new highlights to my hair. Then it was rushing around to three different sets because apparently the director had decided that my make-up wouldn't sweat off fast enough on its own. Lucky me… and while I ran around, I found time to put my two cents in about how the shot should go and where the lines needed work. I wasn't famous just because I was gorgeous, after all. I was brilliant and knew my career well.

Morgana gave her ten dollars in. We spent more time waiting for her to just do the shot than actually shooting. She seemed to think several lines were wrong altogether and that the lighting was off somehow. Honestly, if she were to just shut up for a bit, they probably would've fixed it on their own.

Lord Ryan was pompous and arrogant which meant I could just speak and it needed very little acting on my part. I just had to let my internal voice out. Ryan had a soft spot for his kingdom, but other than that he was just full of himself. It was a busy day of shooting, running, and having little time to think. By five, I was already tired of it. I loved being an actor, but sometimes I wanted to strangle some people…

… Like the lighting guy who nearly shoved that ethereal glowing light in my eye socket trying to make it look brighter for Morgana. Then the attendant who was supposed to bring me lunch had tripped and almost dumped the whole thing on me, but I dodged in time. The wardrobe workers praised me endlessly for my skills which almost made up for it… almost. I may have accidentally on purpose knocked over a light system behind her. She screamed, but at least she hadn't gotten hurt. I suppose that was a step up from when I was younger… which my assistant so lovingly reminded me of as soon as she heard of the two completely separate incidents.

"Arthur, don't tell me you did that," Helen, my methodical minion, scolded. "I thought you outgrew this five years ago! Don't you remember all the poor stagehands and side characters you hurt? And what about that one boy you hurt by shoving an actor? Don't you remember? You're actions have consequences!"

"I know, I know!" I yelled and waved her off. How could I forget them, especially the boy? Everyone I worked with seemed to know that story. They loved to shove it in my face for every little reason. Oh Arthur, you didn't finish your yogurt? Some homeless kid would probably enjoy that. Don't you remember that boy from six years ago? I bet he'd love it! Arthur, have a heart! ... It was ridiculous.

Besides, the boy was an accident. I'd pushed an actor who'd yelled at me. He'd fallen back into a table. As he pushed up off the table, he bumped a piece of wooden board that was waiting to be put into the next set design. A nail protruded from the end of the wood, and before you freak out – no. The kid didn't get gashed or anything. No, some stagehand's son was walking where he shouldn't be and the board hit a fire extinguisher. It may have hit him in the face and coated him in white fluff…. Okay, and maybe he'd cried and screamed for his mom and just maybe he'd been rushed off to the hospital – but it wasn't my fault!

It wasn't like I was the one who'd pushed the board or the nail! It was the other actor! And besides, it wasn't the worst thing I'd caused. Honestly, I think the woman who had to wear wigs in all her scenes because I'd pushed her under a stage fire and burned her hair off was worse. She deserved it though. She'd told me I looked like a fat lollipop in my costume when she knew damn well I was dressed as an angel!

Then there was the time I knocked over a table so the dogs in cages sitting on top of it would get loose. The handler had angrily told one of the dogs to 'sic' me for calling them ugly. Of course, he'd had the dog on a leash, but I had still taken offense. Four people had been bitten that day, including a sweet young girl who, despite popular prediction at the time, has loved me ever since, but I hadn't done anything temper tantrum like that in five years. Five years! I was twenty now! I didn't need to be berated over some stupid kid from six years ago!

"Honestly, you all treat me like some stupid child," I grumbled angrily. "Besides, I didn't even do it," I lied. I portrayed such a believable crushed look on my face, however, that even Helen was convinced.

"Alright, if you say so," she said, and I knew she was smitten with that puppy-dog look in my eyes. "But you were in the area, Arthur, so just be careful. Sets are dangerous places."

"Will do, Helen," I assured and pat her on the shoulder. "Thanks for always looking out for my best interest."

"Anytime," she assured me brightly and then walked off to probably fetch me an apology bottle of water or something. Whatever. I was fine with the reward of having tricked her. It made me feel loads better.

After that, I had several more scenes to shoot, a script to help edit to make it run smoother, another scene to shoot, and then I was finally and gloriously released to return home. My feet and arms were so tired that I almost wished I could close my eyes and just wake up in bed the next morning… oh wait… I did wish that. I suppose the previous statement is slightly invalid now.

Still, instead of finding my car parking outside of the apartment building, I saw it parking itself in the back parking lot of the bookstore. It must have driven and parked itself, of course, because I had no idea why I was here. What force had possessed my car into driving here?

With a sigh of irritation, I stepped out of my car and slid my beanie and sunglasses on. I strolled briskly toward the store and in through the side door. A part of my brain said if I really didn't want to be here, I would just leave… but I ignored it, obviously.

Before I ever stepped over the threshold, I knew why I was there. It had been nagging at me for the two days that had passed since buying Mordred those young adult books. I had gone over that encounter almost as often as I had chances to think, and as I walked down the side aisle, it once again filled my mind. The tease, the insult, the apology, and the exit seemed as fresh in my mind as if they'd just happened a few moments earlier. I felt my heart begin to thrum in excitement.

I stopped walking then. My face looked rather confused, no doubt. Why did I feel so excited? It was just some jerk of a guy who'd told me I needed a new nose. He hadn't even looked at me! Our conversation had been only a few words! Getting excited over all of this, maybe I was more starved of human interaction than I'd thought.

"Can I help you?" a curious voice asked. I broke from my thoughts and stared stupidly forward.

The man who had called to me was about my age and staring at me intently. He was obviously unimpressed with me and already seemed tired of listening to me, though I hadn't even begun to speak. He had tousled brown hair that hung into his eyes. He ran his fingers over it and moved it to the side so his dark eyes were more prominent. This man was… attractive in a very average way. I shrugged.

"If you know your coworkers, maybe," I said, trying to keep my pompous attitude in check as I usually did. This man had no need to know how not usually accepting I was of people looking at me like that.

"Who are you looking for?" he asked, sighing. Did this sort of thing happen a lot? I wondered if people often came to see the man I was looking for or if it was for some really good looking boy or girl.

"He's tall but shorter than me. Dark, scruffy, short hair. Touches stuff a lot," I explained, reaching my hand out toward the nearest shelf as an example. I'd thought of the male so much these last few days, I could probably tell you his exact outfit as well.

The other male seemed to adopt a confused expression as he watched my hand. I pulled it back to my side, and his expression turned onto my face. He looked me over and gave an extra glance to my (fashionable) sunglasses.

"Merlin!" he called over his shoulder. Someone a few aisles over from us tripped and fell over. I glanced, but the other male didn't even flinch. "Listen, you. You're not here to cause trouble, are you?"

"Me? No. Why?" I asked curiously. Honestly, though, I didn't know what I was here for. The guy seemed to see I wasn't being entirely truthful. He frowned at me and gave me another once over.

"Will?" a familiar voice called from the end of the aisle beside us. We both looked over.

"Oh," Will turned his entire body to look at the new male, but his stance suggested he was still extremely aware of my presence and was watching me.

The new male made me smile a bit. It was the worker from the other day. I felt my stomach knot, and that made me puzzled. Still, I couldn't stop the little smile, which I turned into a smug smirk, and the butterflies in my stomach and mind.

"Merlin, do you know this tall, blonde guy?" Will asked, motioning toward me lamely. I cast him a slight glare. His tone was dry and toneless, as though I didn't matter at all. However, my glasses hid my glare. Still, he could probably see it from my eyebrows… if he was looking at me.

"I don't know," Merlin replied in a joking manner, a smile playing with his lips. I frowned at him.

"You don't know?" I asked in slight annoyance. His face instantly fell into slight shock. "You recognized me from a grunt the other day!"

"Arthur?" Merlin's eyes widened behind his own pair of darkened sunglasses. He took a hesitant step forward and then retreated back to his previous stance. "I'm sorry for that time. I really didn't mean to trip you."

"You tripped him?" Will asked curiously, his eyebrows knitting together. At least he sounded interested now. Merlin opened his mouth to reply, and I held up my hands.

"I'm not here to yell at you about tripping me," I interjected before their lovely banter could even begin.

Merlin and Will both looked in my direction and stared. For one moment, I thought they were both looking past me, but then Will's eyes shifted a degree and it was apparent that I was the center of their attention… which we all know I enjoy. Except now I had to come up with some excuse as to why I was here. Damn.

"I just came to buy some books for my brother. I thought maybe you could help," I said, making up the lie on the spot. Honestly, it was a lame lie. If that was all, I could've used any sales associate. Why did I need Merlin specifically?

Will seemed to be thinking the same thing, but Merlin appeared oblivious. He seemed more relieved that I wasn't pissed off about being tripped… which I sort of was, but his dopey grin made that vanish… just a little bit. What was he smiling about?

"Oh, alright. What books?" he asked. I noticed then that he hadn't left the end of the shelf. He stayed glued to it like a standee.

"Um… Inksmudge?" I guessed. I really had no idea which books Mordred had snatched up the other day.

"Inkheart?" Merlin asked in a slightly teasing tone. I fought back the urge to snap at him or bite his head off.

"Right," I replied lamely. "Doesn't it have sequels or something?"

"I think I'm going to let you two alone now," Will murmured, rolling his eyes lightly. Apparently my threat rating had gone down, because he was relaxed now. "Have fun with this one, Merlin."

"Thanks, Will," Merlin nodded toward his friend and then returned attention to me. His bright blue gaze shocked me, but I really enjoyed the sensation his attention gave me – more so than I usually did. "Follow me," Merlin said and turned down the aisle again. "I'll show you the sequels."

And we began to walk. It was an interesting walk. Merlin stayed close to the shelves, dragging his hand along the books and their spines and the cold metal of the dividers. His hand reached the end of the shelf before his body did. I watched as his fingers curled around the corner, and then he walked across the open aisle. His hand reached out and found the shelf first, almost as though he were pulling himself along with it. His leading hand was soft and yet manly. His nails were short but an almost perfect pearl color. His other hand hung by his side like a guard. It hung half curled with those same nails. I wondered how he got such perfect nails and if there was a reason behind the leading hand and the guarding hand.

He started slowing down before I realized how much attention I was giving to just his hands. I bit the inside of my cheek in a self-scolding way. I usually reserved this much attention for more important things, like my outfits or the way the stage looked… or what it was meant to be. Imagination was key in my work… yet Merlin required no imagination. He was just there, looking rather good.

I bit the inside of my cheek again and winced when I drew blood.

"Here. The books you're looking for should be on this shelf. The sequel is InkSpell. The last book is InkDeath. If you need anything else, give a shout," Merlin explained and turned to walk off.

I bent down and grabbed the books. I had to buy them now or else it would be obvious I only came to see Merlin… who was still walking away. I cleared my throat.

"Merlin," I called out. The male turned around and regarded me curiously. His hands switched roles.

"Yes, Arthur?" he asked. I refused to acknowledge any sort of emotion his voice brought up in me… because it didn't bring up anything. No. I was completely immune to it... I mean, there wasn't an it!

"I never said these were the only books I wanted," I said. So now I was entirely making it up… but there was no reason he had to know that.

"Oh," Merlin seemed to finally begin to doubt my truthfulness. That wasn't going to save him from my wrath though. "Something else for your brother?"

"Nope," I smiled brilliantly and licked my lips. "My mother."

"And then your father, I suppose," Merlin murmured under his breath, turning his head away and down. He probably didn't think I could hear him. Then Merlin turned a happy smile on me. "Alright. What kind of book are you looking for?"

Oh shit.

"Cooking," I half lied. Mom was always trying new recipes with cooking. So far, she'd managed to discover how not to make 'specially flavored' brownies. She usually worked right out of her head, though. Maybe one day she'd get around to using a cook book.

"Any specific kind?" Merlin asked as he turned and began to walk. I followed him, again unexplainably mesmerized by his hand trailing down the bookcase.

"Um…. Italian," I finally spoke. I tore my eyes from his hands and focused on the back of his head instead. I found my eyes falling to the base of his neck and the way his employee shirt framed it. Then his dark hair seemed to creep down the nape of his neck, and I was suddenly curious about how it felt.

I stopped walking and shook my head. Maybe it was time to see a doctor, because these thoughts were definitely not normal.

"Is something wrong?" Merlin asked, turned to look back at me. I shook my head and walked up to him.

"No. Something distracted me. Come on, then. Show me the Italian cookbooks," I said, walking slightly ahead of him. I let a little annoyance slip into my voice. It was easy enough. After all, I was annoyed but at myself and not at him.

Then proceeded an hour of getting Merlin to show me all over the store. He led me through cookbooks and kid books, fantasy books and medical books, comic books and books about film. Merlin seemed to have the whole store memorized… by shelf. It sorta made me want to rearrange the shelves just to mess him up, but something kept me from doing it. I had made up every book I wanted off the top of my head… but of course, I ended up buying everything I inquired about; which, of course, meant I walked out of there with two bags of books. It was only when I'd said a final goodbye to Merlin that my legs began to act up and I suddenly remembered how exhausted I was.

"Have you been helping him this entire time?" I heard Will ask in what he probably assumed was a hushed whisper as I passed them both to get to the door. I got to my car and just sat in the driver's seat for what must have been days.

The sun was set and the store was in its last two hours of operation. I couldn't believe I'd managed to walk the entire store at least three times after all I did at work earlier. With a tired grunt, I started up the engine and drove home. This bookstore was a hazard for my health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview:
> 
> "You make it sound so easy."
> 
> "It is easy, Ryan…," she nearly breathed out.
> 
> I loved interns.
> 
> "Oh Morgana," I teased gently. I grabbed her hand and pulled her around and close to me.
> 
> "You won't find them in there," Mordred said lazily.
> 
> "I am NOT looking for my sunglasses," I retorted.
> 
> "You really are dumb," he said and I scowled.
> 
> The closer I got, the more he walked away, looking for a specific aisle. He dragged his hand along the signs at the end of each aisle, and it finally made sense as to why. I felt so stupid! How had I not noticed it?! He regarded me curiously and his blue eyes seemed to see right through me and see nothing at the same time
> 
> "So… Wanna go out sometime?"
> 
> "What are we doing?"
> 
> "Listening."


	3. Listening

You ever notice that you've done something stupid… like realizing you lost your sunglasses at a bookstore then returning to that bookstore and finding someone who'd been around where you lost your sunglasses and not remembering to ask about them? Well I was feeling no such way. Nope. Not even a little bit.

In fact, I was so NOT feeling like an idiot that I avoiding that bookstore for another week. Mordred called it stalling and wasting time… I called him an obnoxious child who was commenting on a subject he didn't understand. I hadn't even mentioned my glasses and yet he seemed to know. Was I related to Professor X or something?... Whatever. Professor X was a brainy twat anyway.

At work, Morgana was as gorgeous as ever. She wasn't called 'the hottest woman in movies' for nothing. Dressing her up like she was from the Victorian Era only enhanced her beauty. Now I was beginning to worry about myself. She was waltzing up to me with a dignified purpose and I… felt absolutely nothing. Shouldn't I be feeling a bit of a tingle somewhere… anywhere in my body? She was absolutely stunning, the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen! Yet I stood there, feeling nothing.

"Ryan, I beg you," she began, her voice trembling ever so much with emotion. "Ride out with me. The land is beyond hope. Abandon this crumbling mansion and escape with me!"

"I can't," I replied, turning my gaze to a window.

"But even your father has perished! What else is binding you here?" she asked, her voice begging. I turned back to look at her and offered her my hand. She pulled herself closer to me and I ran the back of my fingers down her cheek.

"It is my home, Elise. How can I abandon my home just because of a little fire?" I asked. The smooth tone of my voice, tinted with the sadness of having to leave, would probably make that become marked as one of my best lines… or at least make all my fan girls swoon.

"Little?!" Morgana ripped away from me. "It has destroyed everything, my Lord! Please… for me… leave here… We can find a new home. It doesn't have to end this way." She cast teary, dramatic eyes on me. I took a deep breath.

"You make it sound so easy," I murmured. Morgana stepped up to me and cupped the side of my face with her silky hand. I noted that the feeling should probably incite some emotion in me, yet it didn't.

"It is easy, Ryan…," she nearly breathed out. It was probably a hint too soft, but the audio department would fix that. She leaned up to me and brought our lips together.

We leaned our foreheads together, eyes shut, and stayed that way for several moments. I brought my hand up onto hers, finally, and pulled it from my face. I held it in my own two hands and kissed her cheek.

"Save me," I said, and though it was an order, I said it like a plea. Morgana nodded, a tear leaking down her face, and then she gripped my hand and pulled me from the room like the hounds of hell were on our heels.

"Cut!"

Morgana and I stopped just outside of the set, and we both released a sigh. Two women swarmed Morgana, touching up her makeup and making sure her hair was alright. Two more women, much prettier than Morgana's if I do say so myself… and I do, ran up to me and offered me a bottle of water while they combed my hair and fanned me a little. I loved interns. They loved doing anything you wanted of them… and man did I love having my hair played with… and the fanning was just a perk.

"Alright, we're done for today. Great job everyone! Remember to sleep well and eat a good meal tomorrow! We shoot our last scenes tomorrow!- so no one screw up, I wanna go home early!" the director teased. Several laughs popped up and the intern girls scurried away to pack up. Aww.

I wasn't left to myself for long. Morgana sunk her claws into my shoulder and spun me around before I could walk two feet. Alright, so they weren't painful and they weren't claws, but you get the meaning.

"Hm… Okay, you can go now," she said after looking at my face for a moment.

"What was that?" I asked, arching an eyebrow. She was walking away from me now. I wrinkled my forehead and followed.

"Just had to remind myself you aren't the sweet, caring, lovely man you play on screen. Don't worry. I won't ruin my mental image of you too much. One look into your blank face makes all the fantasy disappear," Morgana spoke dramatically. I smirked.

"Oh Morgana," I teased gently. I grabbed her hand and pulled her around and close to me. I smiled in an honest way and looked her right in the eyes. "I can be that all the time. Is that the way you want me to act? Is this your way of telling me you love me?"

"Ha! Arthur, if you acted like Ryan all day, kittens would drop dead and fairies would pop out of storybooks…. and no. I don't love you. Get over yourself," she replied and pulled away. I watched her walk for a moment and then smirked. I pulled out an adorably innocent voice.

"You mean fairies aren't real?" I asked sweetly. She cast me an exasperated look over her shoulder as she headed to wardrobe. I smiled just as sweetly as my voice. Morgana was so easy to tease. Her attention was almost too easy to grab.

\-- -- -- -- --

"Hey, Arthur," Mordred's voice called to me. I wondered how he managed to get through the three locked doors between the elevator and my bedroom door… but I always wondered this, and I still didn't know how it happened.

"What, Mordred?" I asked, digging through a bag. I couldn't remember what exactly I was looking for, but it didn't matter. I was sure I'd realize what I was looking for as soon as I found it.

"Remember when you played that young orphan? Julie Andrews played your potential mom. Remember the line she used in the movie to explain to your character why she took so long to adopt you?" Mordred asked. He was spinning a ball in his hands. It was only about as big as two of his fists.

"Of course. 'Sometimes the things you want the most are the easiest to find but the hardest to notice.'… or something clichéd like that," I replied. I turned the whole bag upside down, dumping everything out of it.

"You won't find them in there," Mordred said lazily, tossing his tiny ball up and down and falling back onto my bed.

"Find what?" I asked, staring in annoyance at the pile. I couldn't figure out what I was looking for! How would Mordred know?

"Your favorite sunglasses. You lost them at the bookstore and have been using your backup pair. And no matter how much you look around here, you're not going to magically find them," Mordred explained in a tone that said he thought I was being stupid.

"I am NOT looking for my sunglasses," I retorted, but the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to make sense. The more I thought about the glasses, the more I felt relieved because I knew where they were… sort of. "And anyway, the chances that the bookstore would still have those things is a long shot. They probably sold them or stole them already."

Mordred sat up on my bed, catching his ball. He sighed. I ignored him and began to pick up all the things I'd dropped on the floor. I so wasn't looking for my sunglasses…. I just couldn't remember what I was really looking for… but that didn't mean it was the sunglasses.

"Just go to the bookstore," Mordred said and I could literally hear his eyes rolling. He slid off my bed and left the room. I stayed knelt on the floor until the elevator made noise and Mordred was safely outside of my apartment.

That's when I slowly raised myself to a standing position and looked over my shoulder into my mirror. I gave myself a dirty look.

"It's not the sunglasses," I said to myself. It tasted like a lie, and I glared harsher at my reflection. "Well then it's definitely not the bookie." And I didn't give myself enough time to register how that tasted.

I grabbed my beanie and walked from the room. When I got to the elevator, I discovered my day was full of displeasing moments. Mordred was still there.

"You really are dumb," he said and I scowled. "Kinda blind too… even more so than Merlin."

I dropped the scowl a little and rolled my eyes as he pushed the button for the elevator again.

"What does Merlin have to do with this?" I asked sourly. Mordred gave me a puzzled look.

"Merlin's the guy who got me interested in InkHeart," Mordred explained, turning away from me and stepping into the elevator. I frowned now. My eyebrows knit together curiously.

"Merlin did?" I asked.

"You really are dumb," he sighed and leaned on the wall. One floor down, he stepped off on our parent's floor. "See you later."

I didn't pay him any attention. Merlin was the bookie who'd gotten Mordred into young adult literature? Well this guy was just popping up everywhere, wasn't he? He got Mordred into a new genre, tripped me up in an aisle, showed me around a store for an hour, and now he may very possibly have my sunglasses. I nodded to no idea in particular. I definitely wasn't going to see Merlin himself, but he did seem to be the center of it all.

I ignored the taste of the thought.

\-- -- -- -- -- --

"Knock knock," I murmured to myself as I walked in the front door. The store was mundane and quiet, as a bookstore should be. Some new band was playing on the radio station on the speakers and kept to a low hum so as not to disturb the shoppers.

I scanned the visible area but didn't see Merlin anywhere. Well I shouldn't expect him to know I was coming. I only just decided to come here ten minutes earlier. Come to think of it, I could've called and asked about the sunglasses instead of coming all the way down here. Maybe if I didn't mention it, Mordred wouldn't tease me about it. I scowled at the idea.

That's when Merlin walked between two rows and into my view. I took two steps forward, a smile on my face. Then I stopped. My eyes watched his hands as he ran it over the end of an aisle and then over the three bindings of books in his hands.

"Blind… like Merlin?" I asked, remembering what Mordred had said to me just before I'd left. My eyebrows knit together, and I walked forward toward Merlin.

The closer I got, the more he walked away, looking for a specific aisle. He dragged his hand along the signs at the end of each aisle, and it finally made sense as to why. He was reading the labels and making sure he didn't run into anything. I felt so stupid! How had I not noticed it?!

Merlin turned down an aisle, and I quickly followed him. He stopped mid-step, probably hearing my nearing footsteps. It wouldn't help him. I snatched up his wrist, causing him to drop the books from his hands. He gasped but otherwise made no noise. That's when it struck me that I had nothing planned to say.

"You're blind," I stated brilliantly. Merlin's face grew into recognition. He'd heard my voice and knew who I was now.

"Wow, you're brilliant," Merlin replied sourly.

It all seemed so obvious now that I knew. He 'wouldn't know' if I needed a new nose. He couldn't recognize me last week when Will had asked because I hadn't said anything yet. He needed his hands to find his way… and those useless sunglasses on his fac- Hang on.

"You're wearing my sunglasses," I pointed out, poking one of the lenses. Merlin ripped his arm out of my grip.

"I figured they were yours. They're much too high quality for many people. What changed? You didn't say anything last time you were here," he replied.

"I didn't notice last time," I answered truthfully. I also noticed he was making no move to give them back. "Are you going to give them back?"

"Is that how you ask for something you lost?" Merlin asked, nudging one of the fallen books with his foot. I grit my teeth. He was treating me like a child?

"Can I have those back now?" I asked. "Please?" I added, just for good measure.

Merlin consented. He pulled them from his face and handed them over like a good little boy. As soon as I'd taken them, I replaced them on my face and put the cheap ones I'd been wearing on my shirt collar until I could take them home. Merlin dropped to his knees on the floor and started trying to find the books I'd made him drop.

"If that's all you wanted, bye," he said somewhat coldly and a bit more than a little disinterestedly.

Was it because he was blind that he could so easily dismiss me? Were my looks the only thing that enticed people so much? Was that my only strength for getting attention? No. People had long praised me about the strength and power of my voice. Had Merlin never heard my work? He must have. He recognized my voice before we ever met.

I frowned. This one bookie seemed to represent all the people who had ignored me in life. He was a challenge now. I bent down and picked up the books Merlin was having a bit of a hard time finding. I smiled a little. I had a plan.

"So Merlin… Wanna go out sometime?" I asked smoothly, putting special emphasis on his name. Merlin took the books from me after I made them hit his hand. He regarded me curiously and his blue eyes seemed to see right through me and see nothing at the same time.

"No," he replied and stood up. I rose with him.

"Why not?" I asked. "Come on. I'll take you anywhere you want to go… within the city."

Merlin frowned at me. I must have confused him. He must be thinking I'm gay… which I'm not. Those were two special occasions at parties. I was drunk, and we only kissed. It may have been the same with the girls, but that didn't mean I was gay or bisexual or whatever they called it. Actually, I don't know what I am… hm…

"What order do the books go in?" Merlin asked, catching my attention. He held the books up for me. "Top to bottom."

"Huh? Um… The Idiot's Guide to Water Rafting, The Diamond of Darkhold, and… Princess of the Midnight Ball… wow, what a selection," I added sarcastically. "What are those?"

"New books. I was shelving them before you knocked them to the floor," he explained and turned to walk away. "When were you planning on taking me out?"

"Well I'm free all day, so today would be best," I explained. I had an audition for a movie tomorrow so it was probably best to do it today… whatever it was. I hoped he didn't pick anything hard.

"Ok. I get off in an hour. Then you're going to drive me to the boardwalk," Merlin almost seemed to order me… but that was insane, right? I mean, who ordered me around? Then Merlin spun on his heel and held up a finger at me. I leaned back even though it was nowhere near me. "And this is not some weird date, so don't even think that."

"Pfft," I scoffed. "Why would I ever want to go on a date with you, Merlin?" I asked harshly. "I'll see you in an hour."

With that, I walked away. Somehow I felt slightly insulted. Merlin didn't want to go on a date with me. It probably shouldn't have hurt as much as it had… but it did. I walked to the attached coffee shop and claimed a table. After ten minutes, I remembered this wasn't a restaurant and got up to order my drink. A handsome guy handed me my drink. An ugly girl was working with him. I felt both sorry for him and thought he was lucky. He stood out as being the attractive one while next to her, but she was also equivalent to a bad hair day. You may be stunning in everything else, but people are still going to notice how bad your hair looks.

Okay, so maybe that was a bit harsh to her… but I didn't know her, so what did it matter? I sipped my drink in silence and brooded for the next half hour.

\-- -- -- -- --

"Hey," a slightly curious voice called. I jumped up off the table, where I had apparently been napping. Merlin was standing by the table, looking down at me. Judging by his smirk, my grunt of cognition told him it was me and that I'd been sleeping.

"What are you smiling about?" I grunted out, wiping my mouth on my sleeve in case I'd started to drool… which I didn't do… ever. Of course.

"I'm off work now. Come on," he said, motioning for me to get up.

I wondered when I'd fallen asleep. It had to be somewhere between brooding over a hot coffee and brooding over my coffee getting cold. I fixed my sunglasses on my nose and straightened my beanie. My café chair squeaked as I pushed it back and stood up. I must have seemed rather ungraceful at that moment. I probably looked it too, but Merlin couldn't see anyway - which was the whole point of this.

If Merlin couldn't see, his attention was that much harder to get. I knew it was illogical, but I wanted Merlin to pay attention to me. When I walked in the store, I wanted him to look at me and listen to me. I wanted his attention. Maybe it was because he had some good looks. Maybe it was because he was impossibly blind. All I knew was that I was going to get his attention… one way or another.

"So… to the boardwalk?" I asked as I led him through the parking lot. He usually walked on his own, but sometimes he reached his hand out to touch my shoulder. I wouldn't have minded if he used me as a support the whole time because it would mean he was focusing on me, but on the other hand, it could have gotten annoying.

"Right," Merlin replied. I opened my car door and shut it behind him after he'd slipped in. I'd never rushed to get to my own door so fast.

"Why there?" I asked.

"Does it matter? You said anywhere I wanted to go," Merlin pointed out. I bit back insults and snide comments. He was right, after all.

I drove and he sat. It was a quiet ride. For the first time in my life, I didn't know what to say. Usually I just didn't care to speak to the other person, or I'd come up with some sweet and suave line. Now, I just didn't know what to do. This wasn't a date, so I wasn't trying to woo him. This wasn't business… not really, so I couldn't talk about work or what business it truly was. We weren't even friends, so I had no idea what subjects he liked in order to comment on them. It was an awkward feeling, not knowing what to say, and I decided I disliked it. I preferred being on top of the conversation. Take that comment to the gutters.

The boardwalk was a strip of bridge leading down the edge of the beach that bordered one side of our fair city. It rose up over the beach so people could walk beneath it where the shops were and on it so they could get a better view. I didn't understand why Merlin needed a better view, but he'd picked the spot so I couldn't argue.

"We're here. Now what?" I asked, parking the car and getting out. Merlin got out of the car alright on his own, but then he waited for me to come up next to him. He placed a hand on the upper half of my arm.

"I've only been here twice. Take me up on the boardwalk," he ordered. He seemed quieter here, or maybe that was because it was louder outside than in the bookstore.

Belaying the new volume level, I led Merlin up onto the boardwalk and over to a corner where no one else was standing. The blind male released my arm and held on to the railing instead. His fingers skimmed over the wood a few times, and I heard him breathing deeply. I tried to breathe the same way and nearly coughed. The air was so salty and thick with the promise of rain. How could Merlin stand to breathe it in like that?

For the longest time, Merlin made no noise at all. He just stood in the corner, still as a statue save for when his fingers moved over the wood. I checked my watch after five minutes. It felt like forever. Then I rolled my eyes and grunted.

"What are we doing here?" I asked impatiently. Merlin frowned.

"Listening," he replied as though it should be obvious. I frowned then, in disappointment. Listening to what?

I shut my mouth and leaned on the railing. My sunglasses made it easier not to squint in the sunrays despite them having very little shading to them. The beach that was visible from under the boardwalk was white and seemed almost fluffy from up here. I knew from experience that it was rough and usually not safe to walk around barefoot in. The frothy surf beat down on the beach like a ram to our left, but right in front of us the waves came to a soft roll at the waterline. Seagulls cried out sometimes. Tourists were throwing bread to them and watching as the birds dove for their food.

It was a very picturesque moment, like something from one of my movies. I frowned deeper. Listening to what? The idle, stupid chatter of tourists? The lies of shop owners down below? Or the racket of screeching birds and uneven waves?

"How long are you planning on listening?" I asked finally. Merlin almost smirked.

"For the rest of my life," he said. I caught the tease but didn't find it funny. I scowled, and it almost seemed as if Merlin could hear that too. He lightened his smile and laughed a little. "Just a little while longer. I just like the way it sounds."

I nodded to myself and looked out at the ocean. I could see the darkened clouds that were headed our way. We should probably leave soon anyway, lest we wanted to get soaked. A gust of wind blew past us, and I shut my eyes to avoid the sting. In that moment, I heard something that made my heart beat a little faster, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Then I opened my eyes and it stopped. Merlin grabbed my arm and nodded to me.

"Okay. We can go now," he said. "It's going to rain soon. Take me back to the store. Will can drive me home."

"Whatever," I mumbled, mind still partially on the strange sound I'd heard. Even as I slid into my driver's seat and began to back out of my parking space, I found myself staring out to the ocean and trying to remember the way it sounded.

"What are you doing?" Merlin asked. I almost smirked.

"Listening," I said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview:
> 
> "Then you're gay?" I asked.
> 
> Merlin carefully lowered his coffee to the table. A soft thud sounded as it made contact. I could literally feel it move through my body. I'd been told my voice made people tremble. Was that what they meant?
> 
> "I suppose that's why I agree to go anywhere with you," Merlin admitted.
> 
> "I'm just waiting till the day you start getting the attention of someone special and start buying things for them or going places with them just to make them happy enough to stand being around you longer... Arthur?"
> 
> "Look, if Merlin doesn't want me hanging around, I'll stop showing up," I decided.
> 
> "Arthur, are you okay? You look… slightly pale," my mother was almost whispering. Will didn't answer. He turned on his heel and strolled down the aisles.


	4. The Time of Day

My audition was over by four in the afternoon. I'd waited around for almost two hours to do a try-out of only a few minutes… twenty tops. It was like waiting for a ride at an amusement park. You waited in line for an hour to ride a ride that only lasted two minutes. It made no sense!

Anyway! Let me try this again. My audition was over by four in the afternoon. With nothing else on my mind, I went straight for the bookstore. It seemed this would become a habit, but I didn't mind so much. After all, it was my plan to get all of Merlin's attention on me. That would be increasingly difficult if I didn't go to the store. Obvious, right?

"You again?" Will spotted me before I could even begin searching for Merlin. "Look, he's not working today, and even if he was, I wouldn't tell you, so get out of here."

"Well, it's nice to see you too," I replied sarcastically, placing an annoyed smile on my face.

"Didn't you hear me? He's not here today," the other repeated. I rolled my eyes.

"Of course I heard you, but if you don't trust me enough to tell me when he is here, why should I trust you enough to tell me when he's not here?" I asked. I crossed my arms in front of me. We were barely inside the back doors. Luckily, this was probably out of the way, but it also meant Will could be a prude to me and not get sacked for it.

"You just do," Will responded brilliantly… not. I wasn't sure if he hadn't followed the question or if he just didn't know a good answer. I rolled my eyes. "Look, Merlin has to work. He can't be spending all of his time treating the fancies of some bored, rich guy."

"So he is here?" I asked, seeming to ignore the statement. Will grit his teeth and ran a hand through his hair.

"No! It's his day off. I'm just saying you need to stop coming here whenever it tickles you and expecting him to just do whatever you want him to. Alright?" Will explained again. I nodded slowly but then methodically turned it into a shake.

"You know I never pegged you as the mother hen," I said. Will was being so protective of Merlin. They must be long time friends.

"What?" Will asked, looking around as though I'd been commenting on something or someone else. "I'm not mothering him!"

"Then you're gay?" Because only his mother or his significant other would become so obsessively jealous and worried after only one trip to the beach where nothing even happened… and Will wasn't Merlin's mother – or I was 99 percent sure he wasn't a mid-thirties (at least) woman.

"What?!" Will exclaimed, eyes wide. I was rather pleased with the reaction, and also slightly disappointed. I thought Will would be harder to get a rise out of than Morgana. He wasn't. "N-No!"

"Then you're just a tight ass with nothing better to do than pester me. Look, if Merlin doesn't want me hanging around, let him tell me himself. You can tell him I said so. If he tells me to leave him alone, I'll stop showing up," I decided. Merlin didn't seem the type to tell others to buzz off, even when they were narcissistic prats like me. I figured this was a safe declaration.

"You swear?" Will asked suspiciously. I rolled my eyes.

"I swear, but since he's not here, I'll be going," I said. I spun on my heels and walked out before the gay mother hen could say anything else.

I really hoped I'd pegged Merlin right and he wasn't going to tell me to shove it and find a new interest. This was more entertaining than two girls fighting over a movie role.

* * *

"So why did you decide to come out with me again?" I asked as I sipped coffee. Merlin gave me a wry smile.

"Out? We're in the bookshop's coffee store," he replied as though my question was frivolous, but I must have been imagining that. If I wasn't imagining it, then Merlin was the first person in four years to treat something I said as though it was pointless.

"Doesn't matter. We're having coffee together. Why did you agree?" I stressed the question to make it pop out and seem more important.

Merlin carefully lowered his coffee to the table. A soft thud sounded as it made contact. I watched as the glass below it fogged up ever so slightly, barely visible unless you were looking for it. I had asked Merlin to have coffee with me outside on the glass tables instead of inside on wooden ones where Will could pop in on us and eavesdrop into our conversation. Merlin didn't seem to mind one way or the other.

I watched as he shrugged his shoulders in that way people do when they can't think of the right words to use. Merlin looked toward the wind that was blowing and seemed to enjoy the feeling on his face. A couple of girls walked passed us, chatting about nothing of consequence to me. Merlin smiled though, so I had to assume he'd heard them clearer than I had. Merlin let out a soft chuckle.

"You know… I don't know," he finally answered. I was appalled by the way my own eyes became enraptured with his hair moving in the wind and the way his neck muscles moved as he breathed. "You're arrogant and come around here whenever you feel like it. You obviously don't care what people think about you at all or care much about me. I don't know why I give you the time of day."

"Excuse me?" I asked. Shock ran through my veins like my very blood. I'd never had anyone talk to me like that! Not even my parents or Morgana! Then the shock faded into a poison in my blood known as hate. I felt my entire expression shift into a glare. Merlin's fingers fiddled with his cup and his posture became tighter as though he could sense my glare.

"Excuse me?" I asked again, voice low and laced with anger. I thought my tone would shock him or scare him, but instead he seemed to relax. He smiled, even.

"Arthur, I've been blind for most of my life. I grew up listening instead of looking. I grew up listening to your voice in movies my mom watched. She watched lots of movies, but I remember yours the best because of the emotion you convey through your voice."

Like magic, his voice rushed through me and pushed out the poison. I could literally feel it move through my body, and I shivered in response. I'd been told my voice made people tremble. Was that what they meant? Merlin voice wasn't particularly special, yet somehow he'd shaken me.

"On occasion, I cry for scenes I can't see. I see landscapes without needing details. This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but sometimes it feels as if your voice lets me see again. I suppose that's why I agree to go anywhere with you," Merlin admitted.

I passively let silence engulf us. My heart pounded in my chest. That's when I felt the pride and the overwhelming joy. A smile spread over my lips. This was definitely more fun that watching two girls fight over a movie role.

"Careful. You may inflate my ego," I teased after the delay. Merlin chuckled.

"I don't think it could get any bigger," he replied. I should've taken that as an insult. I didn't. He should've meant it as one. He didn't either. I could tell by the way he was smiling.

"Merlin, I think I could get to like you," I admitted, raising my cup to drink. That was the first time Merlin outright laughed.

* * *

Mom was a beautiful woman. Her hair cascaded down her shoulders like perfection. It looked like sunlight caught in everyday blonde strands. She was virtually glowing. She had a soft curve to her nose that my father often kissed when they cuddled together on a couch in front of a fire. Her skin was flawless, though she often explained to me that it was simply the beauty of make-up. I learned to imitate that aspect of her life. I wore make-up even off camera, just not as finely applied. I looked radiant on-screen and brilliant off-screen. Yes. You may applaud now.

Ahem. I mean, my mother was gorgeous. She curved just right in the hips, and her bum was 'perfect enough' – if I can quote my father on this. He is rather biased. I remember a tabloid once saying her breasts were imperfectly small. I don't remember the tabloid lasting long after that. The readers sort of rioted, or so I read.

My mother was beloved. Not only did she give amazing performances in movies and on the television, my mother was a benefactor to many companies, organizations, and longtime friends and fans. Mother was always looking to spend her earnings on good causes. She helped the homeless, the orphaned, the hungry. She helped the archeologists, the scientists, the doctors. She helped where she could, with money or with time. She used her position as a famous actress to broadcast world and domestic issues. My mother was a fighter, a believer, a supporter, and she did all she could. She always kept her promises.

I wonder sometimes why she married my father. Once, when I was very young, I asked her. She said something, but I don't remember what it was. She always changes her answer when she retells me the story. Sometimes it was his eyes. Sometimes it was his laugh. Sometimes it was the jet black color of his hair, when it had still been black. Sometimes she says it was his money and power, but we always laugh and joke about that one. Mom hasn't used father's money once since they've been married. Sometimes he gives her money as a gift, but she never draws money from their joint account for any of her escapades.

My mother is unbelievably fun. Growing up, my mother kept me believing in the tooth fairy so completely that I would force myself to sleep and had a special bag for my tooth and would run through the house the next morning exclaiming my joy until I was almost ten. Mordred had been young when my joy was spoiled, and so his dreams were crushed much earlier than mine. Father had been the one to spoil it. I never blamed my mother for lying to me for so long, but I did hate father for almost two years for ruining it. My mother would come home from work, dead tired, and invite me into the kitchen to help her cook. We baked cookies, muffins, cakes, and pies. She loved to cook. As I grew older, I would cook for her while she was still at work and surprise her when she got home.

My mother bought wildly stylish clothes that always made her look important, dignified, and classy. Then she would open her mouth and remind us all how goofy she really was. She would sometimes strut around the house in her clothes to model them for my father and I, and Mordred when he was born. She always made us laugh by adding funny accents and actions to her performances.

"Arthur?" her voice was like a slap to my thoughts. I focused on her and smiled. "What are you looking at?" she laughed. "What were you thinking about just now?"

"You," I admitted. I looked at a shelf on my left and put a box of noodles into our shopping cart. We were doing our weekly shopping.

"Me? Oh, that can't be a good thought," she teased and ruffled my hair. I smiled and kissed her on the cheek.

"Whatever do you mean?" I asked. "I like thinking about you, mom."

She smiled at me and cupped my cheek. "How did I get such a sweet son?" she asked. Then she gripped my face and shook it. I laughed as she said, "But such a liar! Still, you're so handsome! I just can't get angry at you."

She released me and started walking. I rubbed my cheek where she'd held me. She was both wrong and right. I trotted after her and put my hand on her shoulder as we walked. I was a good head taller than her.

"I really do like thinking about you," I assured her. She nodded and then laughed softly as she shook her head.

"I know that. I also know what this life has done to you, dear. You're always trying to be the center of attention and get people to look at you in some way or another. I know that's my fault for being your mother and not keeping you from the publicity, but I also know it was rather inevitable," she spoke.

She stopped the cart two aisles down from our last stop and lifted a can off the shelf. She pointed me toward a bag on the top shelf. I didn't hesitate before stepping up to grab it.

"Still, I know you're a good, sweet man underneath in all. I'm just waiting till the day you start getting the attention of someone special and start buying things for them or going places with them just to make them happy enough to stand being around you longer… so you can get more of their atten-.. Arthur?" my mother stopped mid-sentence, but I wasn't listening anymore anyway.

I had been distracted by a music display. The sounds of seagulls had pulled on my ears more than my mother's sweet voice, and that in itself was shocking. Under the call of seagulls, I heard the same sound that had made me stop in shock at the beach when I closed my eyes. As I stepped up to the speakers playing the sounds, I felt my heart speed up ever so slightly.

It was the sound of waves, pulling me and releasing me like a buoy caught in the surf. I pressed my lips together and my muscles tightened as if to stop myself from swaying in the waves even though they existed only in my mind. I reached forward slowly and dragged my finger across the display of cds until I found the one it said was playing. Then my hand shot out and snatched a copy out of its display.

I stared at the picture on the cover. It showed a mountain shadowed in the background and a dark beach in the forefront. I was caught up in the eddies and the currents I couldn't even feel. For a brief moment, I felt my eyes close, and I was almost scared how ensnared I was in pure sound. Then a hand grabbed my shoulder and I was ripped from the tides of my mind.

I saw my mother standing beside me, looking worried. The sound of waves suddenly seemed very soft, almost a whisper. I checked the volume of the display. It was true. The sound was hardly up. I wondered how I'd heard it at all. I must have gotten a shocked look on my face.

"Arthur, are you okay? You look… slightly pale," my mother was almost whispering. I got the feeling she'd been calling to me and was trying not to make a scene.

"Sorry. I just… I was at the beach the other day with a friend and… You know what? I'm going to buy this," I said and grabbed a second copy. I put them both in our basket.

"You're buying two?" mother asked. I blushed, but there was no reason to. Was it a big deal to buy something for a friend?

"Y-yeah. One for my friend. They like to, uh, listen," I explained. A smile spread over her face like a drizzle of water dripping down a cobblestone incline, slow and infectious. I fought against how it threatened to spread to my face.

"Okay," was all she said. She spoke no more about my mental side street we'd taken.

We finished the shopping by talking about what we needed and what new treats to try and make. She mentioned me possibly taking leftovers to my new friend, which was as close to prying into my new personal life as she got. Even I understood why it was so interesting. I'd had very few 'friends' in my life. Now not only did I have one, I was buying something for him.

I seriously considered going to see a doctor about this sudden interest in one person. I was pretty sure I was losing my mind, especially if what I just did with the music display showed anything.

* * *

"I don't understand," Will said slowly. He was looking down at the CD in his hands as though it could secretly be a snake, not like it was evil but still like he didn't trust it. I rolled my eyes.

"Just give it to Merlin for me, would you? I know he's not working today, but I wanted it to get to him as soon as possible and I have to work all day for the next few days. Oh, and tell Merlin I'll be around on Friday, so I'll see him then," I ordered.

I started to walk away but the sound of disbelief formatted as a scoff stopped me dead in my tracks. I turned on Will with an exasperatedly annoyed look on.

"Listen, I know you hate me," I said, trying not to overreact. "Is it a crime to give something to a friend now?"

"No. I just don't think I like the idea of me being your middleman," Will replied. He slipped the CD into the pocket of his work belt. It hung about a foot down his legs and had five pockets.

"Would you like to give me his address instead so I can deliver it myself?" I asked with a super sweet tone. Will looked almost as wary of that idea as he did about the CD.

"Definitely not," I heard him grunt. "I'll do it this time, but don't expect me to keep being your delivery boy. I'm not your dog."

"So which are you, a boy or a dog?" I asked smugly. Will didn't answer. He turned on his heel and strolled down the aisles. I could see how tense his shoulders were and that proved I'd gotten to him. A few words and Will was already angry at me.

Oh well. Who cared if he was boring so long as he got my gift to Merlin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview: Chapter 5 - The Worst Day
> 
> "Lancelot's coming over for dinner."
> 
> "Don't forget to pick Mordred up from school!"
> 
> I got out of my car and almost hissed at the unusual heat outside.
> 
> "He's perfect," I stated simply. Merlin broke into a grin.
> 
> "Yeah. My birthday is tomorrow."
> 
> "Oh? What did Will get you?"
> 
> "Who's the chocolate bar?" Mordred asked.
> 
> "I hate you."
> 
> "If that makes your day better, I don't mind."
> 
> At least I could back it up next time I saw Merlin… if I went back to see him ever again.


	5. The Worst Day

"Lancelot's coming over for dinner," my mother cursed one evening. She may not have noticed the way she was cursing, but I did. What was worse than _Lancelot_ coming over for dinner?

Lancelot wasn't a bad person. Far from it. I respected Lancelot more than almost anyone. Lancelot was kind and caring and loyal. He was knightly, even, like the ones you read about in fairytales. Lancelot was sweet as sugar while as tough and courageous as a lion. In literature, he'd be the deal too good to be true, the character with too many good traits, or the hero of legends. If he had a fatal flaw that could be used for plot, it was only his self-confidence that constantly told him he wasn't good enough yet, wasn't perfect yet.

He was annoyingly perfect. I respected him for his talents and his charisma. I respected him for his prose and his rhetoric. I respected Lancelot, and I despised him. He was too perfect. When people said there was no such thing as the 'perfect guy', they obviously didn't know Lancelot. Sometimes I wanted to strangle him for being so damn _perfect_. Everyone loved him, and he didn't even try! Everyone loved him, and he never wanted it! Why did I want it so much and get so little, and then he gets it and throws it all under a bus? He didn't deserve it!

No... No... I will not whine about Lancelot. No. I'm an adult now. I will NOT throw a tantrum over my stupidly good looking, annoyingly perfect, semi-sweet cousin. I won't. That's all there it to it. No more.

"Oh?" I asked, ignoring my desire to complain about it. "Tonight?"

"Yes. It will be nice to have a good dinner with him… though your father won't be back in time to eat with us," my mother lamented. She was drying dishes in the kitchen. I was making coffee.

"Yes… Well dreariness aside, I think I'll go savor freedom- eh, I mean, a walk before he gets here. Call me if you need me, will you?" I asked, though it was quite the rhetorical question.

"Find a good place to spend your Friday! Don't forget to pick Mordred up from school!" I heard her calling as I left her house. Hooray. My day off, and I had to pick up Mordred. Fun.

But that wasn't until the afternoon. Mordred even took afternoon classes after everyone else went home. I had plenty of time. Besides, I shouldn't dwell on the sad parts of life anyhow. I had a date today. Friday was the day I told Merlin I'd be around to hang out – well, if Will had given him my message, of course.

I parked my car in the back lot again. I decided it was less conspicuous to enter through the back entrance because most people used the front. Today, the back parking lot was about half as full as the front lot. It was more than they usually had, but it was a Friday, so I understood. I got out of my car and almost hissed at the unusual heat outside. What happened to the weather?

Oh well, I would be inside soon anyway. I walked into the store and didn't see Merlin anywhere. Strolling the shelves was not my idea of how to start the day. After all, my plan was for Merlin to know when I walked in, and this was definitely not a show of that. I looked down each aisle but didn't see the bookie anywhere in the back half of the store. Was it possible Will had told him not to come in? Or perhaps Merlin had purposely taken off?

Just then, I got close enough to the front to see the counter and part of the coffee shop. There was Merlin, sitting at one of the wooden inside tables. He was stirring something I assumed to be tea from this distance. I couldn't help but smile.

"Morning," I greeted as I walked up to the table. I slipped into the seat in front of him. "Were you waiting on me?"

"No," Merlin retorted blandly. "I was sitting here on my day off so I could stare at hot girls."

"Right," I replied almost as dryly. "No really."

"Only for a few minutes. I felt how hot it was outside so I grabbed a table inside before they were all gone. You don't have to thank me," he said.

I looked around us. Every table was indeed taken. Only a few people dared to sit outside and three of those people were using the table with an umbrella over it. Several people were leaving with their coffees because of the lack of tables inside. I guess it truly was a good thing Merlin had grabbed a table.

"Thanks," I said even though he'd told me I didn't have to. I looked down at the table. That thanks felt a lot more important in my own ears than it was. I wondered how it sounded to Merlin.

"No problem," he replied smoothly and sat up straighter. "How was your week?"

"Good until this morning. My cousin is coming for dinner," I grunted out pitifully. Then I cleared my throat and sat up as straight as Merlin. "I mean, I love my cousin. He's fantastic. I can't wait to catch up with him at dinner."

Merlin nodded slowly and made an 'mmhmm' noise that sounded like 'That's totally not how you really feel.' Then Merlin drummed his fingers on the table as if waiting. When I failed to continue, he took a deep breath.

"What did he do?" he asked. Something inside me seemed to break.

"He's perfect," I stated simply. Merlin broke into a grin.

"More than you?" he asked. It took about two seconds for that to hit me as a joke. I felt my lips crack into a grin and I laughed a little.

"Yeah. I know it's hard to believe," I joked back. "Yeah, Lancelot has women throwing themselves on him all the time, but he's had a steady girlfriend now for about three years. He's a year older than me so they've been dating since I was eighteen and he was nineteen. They met at University," I explained.

"Right. So he's got everything you don't have but want," Merlin replied.

I froze. My mouth opened to argue the point, but my mind came up with nothing. Was that truly why I disliked Lancelot? No. He didn't have anything I wanted, right?

"What?" was the brilliance that escaped my throat. Merlin looked at me through his sunglasses and leaned his head on his hand.

"He has a steady love life. He went to University like a normal person, with other people in real classrooms. He gets tons of attention from everyone. You haven't had a relationship since you were sixteen. Her name was Sophia, and you dumped her after only twelve hours. Neither of you have spoken well of each other since, if you speak of each other at all. You went to University by using tutors on movie sets and using your computer. You get attention, and yet you don't get the same kind he gets. You have to work twice as hard to get half the attention he receives," Merlin explained. I regarded him curiously.

"Do you know my life story?" I asked. Merlin smiled and shrugged.

"Maybe."

We had a sort of staring contest then. Merlin just looked, and I stared. It felt like staring at a cat. Those felines never blink, and Merlin blinks maybe one blink more often. We both seemed to be waiting for something, and I could feel it welling up in my chest. I felt my throat become tense with the need to say it. I leaned back a bit and looked Merlin over. Then I put a blank look on my face as though that would help.

"When's my birthday?" I asked.

"The fifteenth of January."

"What's my favorite color?"

"Scarlet." Oh he was good.

"What's my favorite type of music?"

"Piano – no words."

"Movie?"

"Anything you're in."

I leaned forward onto the table and clasped my hands together before me. Merlin looked completely calm. Actually, he looked eager to prove he knew more. What could I ask that he didn't know? Why did he know so much to begin with? Well, I suppose he probably had nothing better to do with his time and he probably had a great memory for things he heard since he had no eye sight… No! Think of facts he wouldn't know!

"Who's my favorite cook?"

"Your mother."

"What was the name of my favorite cat when I was nine?" I asked, a smug smile on my lips. There was no way he'd get this right.

"You had a cat?" he asked. I frowned.

"Damn it. You know everything about me, don't you? I bet I could ask you what kind of toothpaste I use and you'd get it right," I grumbled. Merlin smiled and leaned forward on the table.

"Something crest, I assume, and no. I don't know _everything_ about you," he replied.

"You know my toothpaste," I pointed out in an almost annoyed manner. Merlin shrugged.

"I guessed."

"I hate you."

"If that makes your day better, I don't mind."

Silence followed that. Merlin was like Mordred. He was inside my head, wasn't he? I knew fans could become obsessive about actors they liked. I knew some fans who could tell me my birth weight if you asked them. However, Merlin didn't seem like one of those fans. He wasn't hyperactive. He wasn't crazy. Merlin wasn't swooning at my voice. In fact, he seemed sometimes bored with me. He knew all these little details about me, and yet he seemed almost uninterested. How was that even possible? How could he care enough to remember all of those things and not become excited about talking to me?

"Oh," I suddenly had an idea. "Speaking of making my week, how was your Tuesday?"

Merlin's eyebrows knit together. He obviously hadn't expected my brain to switch that fast. I should have felt insulted about that. I didn't.

"Fine," he replied suspiciously. Then he smiled a little. "Actually, Will got me a birthday present."

"Birthday?" I asked curiously. I hadn't known it was his birthday.

"Yeah. My birthday is tomorrow. Don't worry. I don't expect you to get me anything," Merlin assured me. He lifted his tea off the table and took a sip. I wished I had a coffee or latte or something. Watching Merlin was making me thirsty.

"Oh? What did Will get you?" I asked nonchalantly. There was a light sting in my gut, and I wondered why. I couldn't possibly be jealous.

"A CD of nature sounds, but mostly the ocean," Merlin replied. Now I was glad I didn't have a drink. It would have been all over Merlin after that statement – spit right from my mouth.

"He did what?" I asked, voice lowering dangerously. That bastard had taken credit for my gift?

"He bought me a CD of ocean sounds," Merlin repeated.

"Did he now?" I asked, struggling to make my voice return to normal. It wasn't working. My eyes caught sight of Will at the counter. My fingers gripped each other tightly until my knuckles cracked. I couldn't do anything. I had to remember I'd gotten over petty attacks a long time ago. I repeated that over and over in my mind.

"Are you okay?" Merlin asked, sounding uneasy for the first time today.

"Fine. Sorry. I have to go. I need some air. I'll be back at lunch. You like Chinese? I'm gonna go get some Chinese," I said quickly but not nervously. I stood up and left the table before Merlin could answer me. Will caught my gaze as I left. I saw him flinch, but that didn't stop the acid in my chest from burning my every limb.

* * *

I didn't go back to the bookstore that day. I went and got Chinese takeout, but I ate it in my car. I couldn't believe I had trusted Will to give Merlin my gift. The sneaky blighter had taken all my glory. He was just lucky I wasn't at the store anymore. I'd driven like a madman to the Chinese place and now sat steaming in my car. Whenever I was sure no one was around, I'd honk my horn and convince myself that if I pushed a little harder, all my anger would go with it.

I couldn't go back to the store now. I'd probably do something I'd regret. When I finished my lunch, I pulled out my cell phone and called the bookstore. A sweet desk clerk answered. She sounded cute, but I could hardly bring myself to notice. All I was thinking was that it wasn't Will or Merlin. I asked her to please find Merlin and apologize for me. I came up with a lame excuse about my cousin coming early and my mom needing help with cooking.

It was hardly lunchtime, and I was already out of things to do. I tossed my takeout box into the nearest trash can. My stomach ached like a black hole, but I couldn't bring myself to want anything else to eat. In my head, all I could see was Merlin's joy at the idea of his gift. All I could hear echoing through my head was Merlin's voice telling me of Will treachery and Will's voice from the day I'd given him the CD.

'I'll do it this time, but I'm not your dog.'

Yeah, he did it alright. I sat in my car, crushed by never ending waves of vivid anger and unexplainable sadness. They were making me queasier than the swaying I'd experienced in the store or any boat ride I'd ever experienced. I'd never felt so sick without moving. I could almost hear the sounds of the emotions as they cascaded down on me.

There was a sudden loud blaring of music in my ears, and at first, I couldn't remember what it was. Then my brain restarted, and I realized it was my phone. I took a deep breath and pressed the call button.

"Hello?" I answered it with a steady, calm voice. I wasn't an actor for nothing. Hiding a bit of anger was nothing to me.

"Arthur, are busy right now?" it was my mother. I hadn't even checked or I probably would have answered slightly differently.

"Not particularly. Is everything alright?" I asked. I hoped so. I couldn't take much more right now.

"No… No, I mean yes! Everything's fine. I just wanted to see if you could come home soon to help me with dinner. Turns out Lancelot will be here sooner than expected and-," I didn't let her finished.

"I'll be home in ten minutes tops. You can time me," I joked. I heard her laugh under her breath.

"Don't speed. I'll see you soon. I love you," she said.

"I love you too," I replied. I paused for a second of silence and then hung up.

As I started my car, I had a bitterly ironic thought. The lie I'd told the desk clerk was coming true… Well at least I could back it up next time I saw Merlin… if he asked… and if I went back to see him ever again.

* * *

"Lancelot! It's good to see you!" I heard my mother greet my cousin in the doorway. I was setting the last of the silverware on the table. Mordred was sitting in his seat, which would be right next to mine, and staring at me. I tried to ignore it, but after a while I just couldn't. I stared back as I set down his utensils.

"What happened?" he asked. I looked at my hand as I set down my mother's silverware.

"Nothing. I ate some bad Chinese today," I replied. I still couldn't quite figure out how he knew all of this.

"You don't like Chinese," he murmured. He set his hands on the table and leaned his head on them. He stared up at me with big round eyes and a small frown. It was curiously worried look. I sighed.

"Could you look any more like a kicked puppy?" I asked rhetorically. I reached down and ruffled his hair. "Look. I'm fine. Once this dinner is over with, I'll be even better."

"So it's because of Lancelot?" Mordred asked even softer than before, as though the question wasn't meant to be heard. He had now focused his gaze across the table, away from me.

That's when I remembered it. The last time Lancelot had come to visit, Mordred had been only six. He had moved to America then and had only just returned to England about five months ago. This would be almost like Mordred's first meeting with Lancelot. Despite his phenomenal brain power, Mordred was still just a kid. He had fuzzy memories of people he met, especially over half a lifetime ago.

"Don't worry. I'm sure you'll love him," I consoled him and ruffled his hair again, but this time I was more putting it back in place from how I'd messed it up before.

"Arthur, Mordred! Lancelot's here," mother announced as she entered the room with Lancelot in tow. As they stepped further in, I noticed another guest. She was fair with dark skin and curly dark hair. Her eyes caught me in their shadows.

"Who's the chocolate bar?" Mordred asked.

All gazes snapped to him, and I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing. Mordred had never been known to insult someone, but for some reason he hadn't even let the poor girl introduce herself before letting his wrath out on her. I was both startled into laughter at how amazingly epic Mordred had been just then and laughing out of the context of the joke.

"Mordred!" our mother scolded. "That wasn't very nice."

"Hello. I'm Guinevere, but my friends call me Gwen," the woman replied sweetly as if Mordred's comment hadn't been heard. She extended her hand to Mordred with a bright smile on her face.

"Hello, Guinevere," Mordred greeted. "I am Mordred Pendragon."

"Pleasure to meet you," she replied. Was I the only one who saw the context in Mordred's sentence? He had just classified her as 'not a friend' because he hadn't called her "Gwen". Gwen offered her hand to me.

"Arthur Pendragon," I greeted, though I knew I probably only needed my first name. "What brings you to our humble abode?"

" _My_ humble abode," mother corrected teasingly then motioned toward Lancelot, who looked slightly uncomfortable, and Gwen. "Lancelot brought her all the way from America."

I could have told her that. Gwen had an obvious American accent.

"Gwen and I are going to be married," Lancelot revealed.

Even my mother seemed to stop breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview: Chapter 6 - Most Loyal Brat
> 
> I may have imagined it, but I thought I saw Mordred's gaze glance in my direction as though looking for approval or assistance. The more I thought, the more it seemed probable. Mordred had been normal when I'd picked him up from school. He'd been annoyingly normal, watching me as I'd cooked and set the table. The only thing not normal about that was the way he hadn't brought a book to read while he invaded my space.
> 
> I leaned my head into my hand and inwardly grumbled. Why did he have to be so damn courteous and... and... 'perfect'?
> 
> This all might have been good and well if... well, if I even knew what my next role was. What the hell was Lancelot blathering on about?!
> 
> "I think I'm sick. Think I really am going to need to lie down for a while," I murmured.
> 
> I took in a deep steady breath and then... forgot to keep breathing.
> 
> "I saw him in the middle of the aisle. Without stopping to think of the consequences, I walked right up and punched him in the face."
> 
> "I'm sorry," Mordred whispered.


	6. Most Loyal Brat

Marriage?!

"Marriage?" my mother gasped almost at the same time the word had screamed its way through my mind. "Oh my! This is truly wonderful! Oh, welcome to the family!" she cheered and moved around Lancelot to wrap her arms around the delicate looking Guinevere. I'd never thought of my mother as pale before, but next to Gwen's dark skin, my mother may as well have been one of the living dead.

"Thank you very much," Gwen replied, a warm smile constantly on her lips. Mother patted her back and held her tightly for a moment more, and then she turned her attack on Lancelot. He was more acquainted with this so he had no trouble comfortably embracing my mother as she congratulated him continuously and squeezed him tightly.

"So does that make you my new cousin-in-law, Guinevere?" Mordred asked. Again, I noted the way he seemed to refuse to call her Gwen. That brought me a bit of pleasure.

"Something like that, I think," Gwen replied. She put her hand on the back of one of the chairs and regarded Mordred curiously. "Mordred, you know you can call me 'Gwen'."

Mordred shook his head. "No I can't. You said only friends can call you Gwen, and we aren't friends."

I may have imagined it, but I thought I saw Mordred's gaze glance in my direction as though looking for approval or assistance. A thought crossed my mind then as mother broke her hug with Lancelot to try and convince Mordred Gwen was now family and therefore a friend. Was it possible Mordred had decided to be rude to Gwen and Lancelot before ever meeting them because I'd shown distaste for them? Was that even imaginable?

The more I thought, the more it seemed probable. Mordred had been normal when I'd picked him up from school. He'd been annoyingly normal, watching me as I'd cooked and set the table. The only thing not normal about that was the way he hadn't brought a book to read while he invaded my space. Then I'd covered up my stress about Merlin by focusing on the stress Lancelot brought and now Mordred was being almost alarmingly rude... well, for Mordred at least. I felt a surge of... was this pride? Mordred was siding with me. He was like my co-star in the movie called 'our life'. I smiled broadly and watched as Mordred ignored my mother to glance over at the expression. He smiled almost shyly, and my mother's words seemed to be muted in his ears.

I don't think I've ever been so proud of that twat.

After mother realized her attempts were getting her nowhere, she apologized to Gwen and decided to start dinner. I sat down at the same time as Gwen only to realize Lancelot was still standing. He was letting the 'lady' sit first. I leaned my head into my hand and inwardly grumbled. Why did he have to be so damn courteous and... and... _'perfect'_? If I had noticed him still standing, I wouldn't have sat either. I needed to pay more attention.

Merlin probably would have noticed Lancelot not moving to sit down, and he was absurdly blind!.... I took a moment to digest that thought. I was thinking about Merlin again. I had stubbornly decided to avoid him from now on, and here I was thinking about him. I hadn't even been away from him for a day!

"Arthur, are you alright?" Lancelot asked as my mother began passing out the food. I sat up straight as though I'd been smacked for being rude and gave him a practiced faux smile.

"No. I think I'm sick," I replied with an actually truthful answer.

"What?" my mother shot her hand to my forehead. "No, you feel fine." I couldn't help but chuckle at that.

"No, Mom. That's not what I meant. Don't worry about it. It was nothing," I assured her.

Mom let it drop. I saw Mordred watching me out of the corner of my eye, but as soon as I looked at him he dropped his gaze to his plate. When I looked up to get myself some food, I noticed the one person who hadn't seemed to let it drop. Lancelot watched me with such a strangely curious expression that I almost wanted to.... well, to hit him. I almost felt as though he were violating me with his eyes - like he was prying into my mind the way Mordred did without trying.

I plastered on my smile again. "So Lance... a lot, what have you been doing since you returned to our great island?"

"Hm?" Lancelot seemed to be ripped from his thoughts. "Oh, um... I was requested to work on a film. You know I don't usually do movies, but the directors and I have been talking over the last two months and they think I'd work really well with this role."

Oh sweet god in heaven, this couldn't be happening. Lancelot was going to find his stake as the perfect guy AND take over my only advantage on him by becoming a movie star?! Wasn't it enough that he modeled and voiced commercials?! I felt my stomach sinking away until I almost couldn't bring myself to eat.

"I'll be playing a slightly minor role, so don't worry, Arthur. I won't steal your spotlight. I'll even make sure any posters or interviewers leave me out of it. You know I don't like that sort of thing," Lancelot assured me. I froze.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, making my voice sound almost bored.

"Hm? Oh, I suppose you haven't found out yet. That's alright. Like I said, it's a small role, but um.. I'm going to be in your new film," he clarified. I felt my heart pump double for a second and it made me light headed.

"Oh?" I asked, keeping myself conscious and civil.

"Yes," and Lancelot was smiling. "I only have a few small scenes, and your character dominates in all of them. He let me look over the script. I have to say, your character is truly brilliant. He's really a befitting action hero."

This all might have been good and well if... well, if I even knew what my next role was.

What the hell was Lancelot blathering on about?!

Just then, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I had a message. Confusion and jealousy raged inside my chest as I pulled it out and opened the blinking message. It was from my agent. I'll give you three guesses what it said. No, make that one.

"We're talking about _The Death of Chivalry?"_ I asked, sounding as though I already knew. I stared at the message a moment longer to make it seem as if I wasn't just learning all of this and then nodded once and slipped it back into my pocket.

"Yep. Was that a business message?" Lancelot asked.

"Yeah. Congratulations on the role... and on your beautiful new fiancée. Well, not that she's actually _new_ , but you get what I mean," I grunted out the ending. Gwen hid a laugh behind her hand, and Lancelot almost beamed.

"Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me," he said. If he put anymore raw emotion into that, he would have been gushing. I felt truly ill now.

"You're welcome. Um, actually Mother, I think I really am going to need to lie down for a while. Save my dinner?" I asked.

"Oh, sure. Take some medicine before you lie down. We can't have you getting sick just before filming starts," she said.

"Thanks." I pushed my chair back and left in a dignified manner. I got the medicine from the kitchen and the water with which to take it, but I didn't touch the meds. No medicine would make this ache go away, so I just went to my room. I set the glass and pills on my side table and flopped onto my plush bed. Life had seemed so simple once. I wondered where all of that had gone.

* * *

I couldn't begin to know how long I'd been there, sprawled out across my bed. I know I had dozed off at least once. I would have checked the clock except I felt strange. In a way, I think I had woken up to the door opening, though I couldn't recall hearing it move. Still, without even opening my eyes, I got the sense that I was not alone in my room anymore.

I kept my breathing steady, as though I were sleeping. I'd filmed a sleeping shot nearly a dozen times once because my costar kept forgetting her lines. I could do this easily. I heard an almost inaudible shuffle as someone moved up to my bed. They sounded... small. Mordred?

Then there was pure, loud silence. Slowly, I began to recognize the sound of breathing. Had this been a horror movie I may have been worried. I was awake enough that if I felt threatened I could defend myself, but this was most definitely Mordred. What was he doing just standing there?

"I'm sorry," Mordred whispered before I could begin processing the way to speak. "I tried to make them leave, you know... I tried to convince them it would be better to stay somewhere else. I used real logic, but they all just told me I wasn't being fair. Mom said they could stay in our house for another day so they could at least speak with father."

There was a long silence. I heard Mordred sniffle, but when he spoke again there were no signs of tears.

"I don't see how I'm the one being unfair. Doesn't anyone else notice how much you don't want him here?"

I shifted my head so I could hear him better and let out a low grunt my mother used to say I made while I slept. Mordred became deathly silent. For a scary second I was worried I had moved for nothing, that my movement had made him not want to talk anymore at all. Then I heard him sigh out a long breath and draw in a new one.

"You know what?... Merlin once told me you used to have a temper. I remember mom mentioning it before too. According to Merlin, you used to get so upset at people that you'd actually cause them physical harm... with fire or falling equipment. I'm... I mean, I'm glad you got over that, but... I'm just a kid, Arthur. No one listens to me seriously except you. Can't you let at least a little bit of your temper out? Defend yourself like you do in your movies," he murmured.

I took in a deep steady breath and then... forgot to keep breathing. I heard Mordred move closer to the bed and then back away nervously. I let out my held breath. I hadn't realized my fake sleeping had stopped. I mentally scolded myself. Mordred didn't move for quite awhile, so long that I almost got angry at having to pretend to sleep. But, of course, I didn't _have_ to pretend. I could always 'wake up' now. Still, what was the fun in that?

Mordred shuffled away and to the door. I felt it more than heard it close. After a minute, I decided he had truly left and I opened my eyes. I let out a tired sigh and glanced over at the clock. Midnight. I felt an oncoming yawn but beat it down before it could start.

My gaze shifted to the door. I'd never realized Mordred was so inconceivably loyal to me. Groggily I wondered if that made him my biggest fan. It certainly made me feel proud to have apparently done something so right with helping to raise him. I couldn't remember doing anything special for Mordred except never complaining about taking him places when Mom told me to. I pushed myself up onto my elbows and then smiled lightly as I shifted to put myself under my covers. I was suddenly aware of the air conditioner. It must have been the swelling warmth inside me.

I pressed my hand against my mouth to try and smash the smile off my face, but it appeared to be useless, and I fell asleep with it still on.

* * *

"On Saturday, I didn't go to the movie set. I ignored my ringing cell phone as I got into the car. I remember I drove so fast the street blurred before me. All the lights were green and I maneuvered through the light traffic as though there were no traffic at all. Within a few seconds, I was parking at the bookstore, on the sidewalk. No one even seemed to care I was halfway in the street and half on the sidewalk. In fact, they were calling out to me and taking excited pictures as if I were arriving at a movie premiere.

I walked into the store and the bell sounded so loud it hurt my ears. No one inside the store noticed me, and everyone outside of the store seemed to vanish. I walked right down the middle aisle of books, somehow knowing exactly where to go. In the third aisle, I turned in and saw exactly who I was looking for. He noticed me too, but didn't move. Disregarding all possible consequences, I walked right up to him and _punched him_ right in the face, as hard as I could.

It felt good. I felt really good. My hand didn't even hurt, but Will was on the ground so I knew I'd hit him. I was pretty sure Will was unconscious, but I didn't care. I'd managed to slug him a new one. Then suddenly it seemed as though the whole world had stuffed itself around the edges of the aisle. Some people were cheering while others were shocked and confused.

That was when Morgana pushed her way through the sea of people. She took one glancing look between me and Will and started crying. Not full on sobs, but she definitely had some water rolling down her cheeks. She looked at me like some piece of pond scum and told me she never wanted to see me again. Then she ran off through the crowd as though they were air.

Then they really were air. I was standing in the aisle all alone while the world became foggy and then dark. I felt completely crushed. I mean, I've never felt so mortified with myself! I still can't understand it. Why on Earth would I be so swayed by one person's opinion?! It isn't like she's the first person to tell me to go die or to disappear or even that the world would be better without men like me," I whined.

"You want my honest opinion about this dream, right Arthur?" an older man sitting beside me asked. I frowned.

"That's why I pay you, isn't it?" I asked rudely.

"You pay me out of courtesy. I'm a family friend," he pointed out. I rolled my eyes.

"Just tell me, Gaius."

"Alright. First off, I think you're lying. I don't think it was Morgana in your dream, but that doesn't change the point of the dream much. Next I think it means your harboring deep anger towards 'Will' but you're afraid to act on that feeling because of how um.. _Morgana_ will react. I'm assuming the two of them are friends, right?" Gaius asked.

"In the dream," I replied, trying to pretend as though Gaius hadn't seen straight through me. "But why would I care so much about what any single person thinks? Especially one I've only known for a short while and don't know anything about."

"Well, us mere mortals like to call that a crush," Gaius teased and stood up. He walked to a mini-fridge and pulled out a beer and a coke. He tossed the chilled bottle to me while he popped open his can of soda.

I was sitting in a psychologist's office. Why? Because it was a retarded Sunday when I couldn't think of anything but how shitty my Friday had gone, how awesome and weird my brother was, and how achingly painful my stomach became every time I thought about the bookstore or Merlin… which was almost every second I wasn't thinking about the other two things.

Gaius was an old family friend. We knew him through my father, though the story of how they'd met was rather unclear. We were strung between Father having mental problems and needing a psychologist and Gaius being a friend he met in college. It could honestly be either, though we didn't have much proof one way or the other.

"A crush?" I gaped. "I've never had a _crush_ on anyone! I barely like anyone enough to remember their names! How could you think I'd have a crush on someone?"

"Well if you've never had an issue like this with anyone else you've known, and you've never had a crush on anyone else you've known, then this new person obviously had a new and positive effect on you which is called a _crush_ ," Gaius stressed the word.

"What about any of this is positive? My week has been shitty lately," I grumbled and pouted. I took a swig of my beer.

"You're having serious issues going and 'slugging' this Will person. That's a form of self-control you used to only lie about. You bought something for someone else simply for the purpose of getting it for them. That's a plus to your personality. It means you don't only care about what happens to you anymore. Also, this person is getting you out of the house more often. That is definitely a plus. According to your mother, you were becoming a sort of recluse… so does she know about this new person in your life?" Gaius asked.

"We're still talking about my _dream_ right?" I evaded.

"Right," Gaius nodded and then chuckled softly under his breath. Old fart… he found my plight amusing.

"Any advice?" I asked sourly.

"Yes," Gaius answered, walking to his office door. "Go get Mordred before he starts helping patients like he did last time. Then take him out for an ice cream. He's been helping lately, right?"

"Right," I replied suspiciously. Gaius opened the door and I stood up to leave.

"And when you're finished with that," Gaius added on as I passed, "go visit that bookstore."

"Who said it was a bookstore?" I asked. "That was just a dream."

"Oh get on with it," the older man grunted, but I could tell he was enjoying himself. I smiled as I left with my drink. I tried to work out exactly how I was supposed to just walk in and see Merlin… and then I rounded the corner and saw Mordred, sitting and conversing with a patient about the most effective ways to cure depression.

He could have been spouting complete shit to that poor guy and I wouldn't have known about it. I wasn't even trying to listen in on them. My mind was working. I know. Scary stuff, right?

"Hey, Mordred!" I called before I was even in earshot. This was rather clever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview:
> 
> I hadn't walked more than three feet when I saw Merlin's shoulders tense and his vacant expression turned hard. He turned away from me and walked down an aisle.
> 
> "Don't touch me," Merlin snapped in a whisper. He glared at me and shoved his way out of my arms. "I knew you were a jerk and a prat, but I'd never pictured you as a coward."
> 
> "How did you find out?" I asked, voice soft and harmless.
> 
> "Arthur, what are you expecting to gain out of this friendship?" Merlin asked.
> 
> I wasn't even two feet past the blind bookie when I felt a desperate grab at my arm followed by a successful snag of fingers on my shirt.
> 
> "Morgana!" I exclaimed in shock. "What the bloody hell are you doing here?"
> 
> Morgana did not look impressed. This was definitely not the last time she'd bring him up.


	7. In the Palm of My Hand

"Are we going to the bookstore today?" Mordred asked.

"Yep. Pick any book you want. I'm buying," I answered with a nod as I drove. Mordred seemed to be torn between curiosity and joy.

"Out of your own pocket?" he asked. I nodded again.

For a moment, there was blissful silence in the car. Mordred was taking a moment to think and to suck down some of his cherry banana smoothie, which he'd chosen instead of ice cream. It made very little sound, which I was glad for. I hated the sound of an empty plastic cup with the straw trying to find something else to suck up. It grated on my nerves… Anyway, the silence didn't last long. Mordred looked at me for only a second, and I could already tell he'd figured it out.

"I'll take as long as possible," he assured me in a completely serious fashion, and yet it somehow seemed too cute for words… which was definitely _not_ what I was thinking because I never thought of my brother as 'cute'… definitely not.

"Thanks," I commented shortly. Yep. Mordred had figured it all out. He was my excuse for going there so that I could find Merlin and determine if I could stand to be around him and NOT punch Will's lights out.

The parking lot was rather full when we arrived. I almost had to park in the front where people could see. I found a spot just to the back, barely where I wanted to be, and parked. Mordred hopped out of the car like some humanoid rabbit and scurried over to the store. I locked the car and did my best to not slouch in dismal anxiety. Even my brother's adorable run couldn't brighten my mood now.

With a deep breath, I pulled on my beanie and stepped into the store after Mordred. For once, I spotted Merlin instantly. Mordred was hurrying off in the opposite direction of the bookie. I assumed he'd diverted his course so he wouldn't get in the way. I shrugged. He definitely was my loyal brat. I should get him a trophy.

I hadn't walked more than three feet when I saw Merlin's shoulders tense and his vacant expression turned hard. He turned away from me and walked down an aisle. I raised a curious eyebrow and followed him. He darted around the corner into the next aisle.

What was he doing? I hurriedly followed him before he could disappear into some employee room I didn't know about. Three aisles over, I finally caught his pattern and dodged over into the next aisle. He ran right into me in his attempt to escape.

"What are you doing?" I grunted in annoyance. Merlin glared at me and shoved his way out of my arms.

"Don't touch me," he snapped in a whisper. I ripped my hands back to my sides as though I'd been burned.

"What's that supposed to mean? What's your problem?" I growled back. There was this odd burning in my chest that I passed off as anger and annoyance, but for some reason I kept hearing Gaius' words in my head.

"My problem?" Merlin exclaimed softly. "What's your problem? You left me to…. I mean you let me believe-," he stuttered and shook his head. "Look, I knew you were a jerk and a prat, but I'd never pictured you as a coward."

"A coward?" I hissed, voiced raising a bit. A woman across the middle aisle looked up to see what was going on but quickly decided to leave it alone. "I am not a coward," I spoke harshly but lowered my volume.

"Then why don't you go to the front counter _right now_ and punch Will in the nose, huh? Go on. Go! If you're half the man I thought you were, you're dying to do it, so why don't you just get on with it?" Merlin growled back.

"Why on God's green Earth would I do something stupid like that?" I snapped. What had been intended to be a harmless conversation with Merlin had somehow turned into a silent screaming match. If we'd been outside, I imagined we wouldn't be hissing so silently.

"He stole your gift, obviously!" Merlin angrily replied as though it were obvious. "Did you get amnesia over the weekend?"

I froze, literally. The burning anger in my chest went out like a fire that had water poured on it. I glanced toward the counter, but I couldn't see it through the shelves. My gaze drifted over Merlin's sour expression. He was upset… because I hadn't claimed my gift?

"How did you find out?" I asked, voice soft and harmless. Merlin seemed taken aback by my tone, just as I'd been shocked by his words.

"W-Wasn't hard to figure out," he stuttered, trying to still be angry. "You left so suddenly after I mentioned it and you were so foul about it. Then I remembered Will gave me the present on Tuesday, the same day you asked me about. I confronted him later and managed to get him to admit to it, but you weren't coming back and then I didn't hear from you all weekend. I mean, I was shocked just by the fact that you didn't slug him as soon as you heard."

"Why?"

"Well you used to get back at people all the time. The news used report the injuries that happened during your movies," Merlin replied, again as though it were obvious but not angry anymore.

"Excuse me," I hissed lightly. "Some people do grow up."

"Oh?" Merlin asked. God, now he sounded like he was teasing me. I huffed.

"Yes, thank you. I learned my lesson on getting revenge several years ago. If I do anything to actually hurt someone now, all I hear is a hundred voices asking me about some poor kid I accidentally put in the hospital. Now I just … blackmail or scare people," I finished lamely, nudging the nearest bookcase with the toe of my shoe.

"Maybe the world should thank that kid, then… but I was still waiting for you to crash a car through the front door on your way to hit him," Merlin admitted, shrugging his shoulders in a nonchalant manner.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I replied sarcastically. "Anything else?"

Merlin smiled up at me, catching me off guard. I took a half step backwards and felt my chest ache in an oddly pleasant way. Maybe this really was a crush… no. Couldn't be.

"Thanks," he said simply. "I really like the CD."

"O-Oh… You're welcome," I stuttered. I'd never given anyone a gift before, so I wasn't accustomed to the thanks that gifts entailed. I wondered if it was something I could get used to. It felt awkward, and I didn't know how to respond properly. I both loved it and loathed it.

We stood in the middle of the aisle for quite a long time, both metaphorically twiddling our fingers and wondering what to say. Anything I'd planned on saying to Merlin was so far back that I couldn't remember any of it, not one word.

"So…," Merlin's voice saved me from having to remember. "What brings you to the bookstore?"

"Oh. I had a bad day after I left here on Saturday, right? Well my little brother, Mordred, was a big help to me so I'm treating him to a book. I told him he could pick any book he wanted and I'd buy it," I explained, easily slipping into my cover story.

"I see. Is he done with the others already?" Merlin asked, turning and dragging his fingers over a label on a shelf. He was figuring out what part of the store I'd stopped him in.

"Beats me, but he could always use another, right?" I answered and hoped it sounded legit. Well, it was, but it was an add-on to a semi-lie so it wasn't entirely a lie… Okay. I was starting to confuse myself.

"Right," Merlin murmured. I was about to say he was frowning but he looked up at me with a confused look instead. He looked slightly lost, and I felt the innate urge to help him and make him feel better, though I didn't know why. I didn't understand myself at all these last few days. "Arthur, why do you keep coming back?"

"W-What?" I stammered out, returning from my own confusion.

"What are you expecting to gain out of this friendship? I know you don't usually talk to people without some motive in mind. I'm no movie producer or anything, so why are you befriending me?" Merlin clarified. He sounded almost nervous about the answer.

"I can't just decide to be your friend for no reason?" I asked, slightly put off… though I didn't know why I was upset. What had he said to hit a nerve in me? Why did I feel like I was being verbally attacked?

"Well I guess you could, but… Arthur Pendragon buying presents for someone other than family? Come on. I don't buy that as something that can just happen overnight. So be honest with me, Arthur. What are you looking for in this relationship?" Merlin asked, and he looked almost pleading… though that could have just been the far-off look in his eyes.

I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Merlin had a point. Why _did_ I keep coming back? My original idea was that I wanted Merlin to pay attention to me, to take notice of me, and to admire me. Merlin couldn't be more aware of my presence if he tried. He could recognize me from the simplest grunt or the sound of my walking. He couldn't know more about me even if we Vulcan mind-melded and shared all of our memories. Merlin knew all of the details about my life… and yet he still put up with me. You couldn't get more admiring than that, so why was I still here?

"I… I don't know," I answered honestly. "I really don't know."

Merlin's expression became even more confused and curious. He looked in my general direction as though trying to read through the words he heard. I understood. Arthur Pendragon never said things like that. I knew that better than anyone. I didn't know why I was doing something, why I was hanging out with a person? Someone should call the world leaders, because the world was going to end soon.

"Right," I murmured after a minute of silence between the two of us. I nodded. "I'm going to go find Mordred."

Without moving, I could see my brother's head poking out from behind a shelf several aisles over. It was a straight walk from where I was. Mordred was hiding behind the shelf, apparently kneeling on the floor. I sighed a little and moved past Merlin towards Mordred. I wasn't even two feet past the blind bookie when I felt a desperate grab at my arm followed by a successful snag of fingers on my shirt.

"W-wait," Merlin murmured, tugging on me as though merely holding on wouldn't keep me from walking. I took a step back toward him.

"Yeah?" I asked, trying to sound disinterested. Merlin looked rather adorable standing there. He pressed his lips together in thought and then looked up at my face, or his best guess of where that was.

"When should I expect you back again?" he said. It was simple question, but I heard something deeper in the words. Was it just me or was he actually asking 'Are you coming back?' He seemed urgent about it, so I smiled. I set my hand over Merlin's vice grip on my shirt. He relaxed a bit.

"How does tomorrow sound? See you for lunch?" I asked. Merlin nearly beamed.

"Sure," he said, shrugging and releasing me. It was funny. He was trying to seem like it didn't matter, but Merlin wore his emotions on his sleeve. I laughed softly.

"Okay. Now I really should go get Mordred. I can see him looking for me with a book held to his chest already. See you later," I said and waved a little though I knew he couldn't see it.

"Oh, right. See you," Merlin stumbled over his words as though he hadn't really been listening.

I smiled. Well this had turned out alright after all. As I passed over to Mordred's aisle, I spotted Will at the front counter. He must have noticed me, but he determinedly kept his gaze on his next customer and made no notion toward me. That was okay. I'd let him off the hook this time.

For some reason, I felt unexplainably light. I decided I liked it.

* * *

"Cut!" the director called out.

Without waiting for my interns to show up and fan me like the Greek god I was, I hoped off the stage and over to my chair. My hair clung to my forehead with perspiration and I probably needed to talk to my costar about the next scene, but I ignored it all. I nearly tripped on my way over to the chair, momentarily forgetting there was a stair between the set and the ground.

When I finally managed to get to my chair, I dug into my jacket pocket and pulled out my cell phone. I felt like a grinning idiot when I saw the screen alerting me to a new message. I quickly flipped open the phone and opened my txt messages.

'Merlin: knowing you I exp…..'

I hurriedly clicked on it before the director could call a scene up again. It had been three weeks since I'd 'made up' with Merlin. Exactly three days afterward, almost down to the minute, I handed over my cell phone number. At first I wasn't sure if it would be any good to a blind man, but Merlin assured me it would work. He only asked that I not send things in txt speak. Apparently the program on his phone read out the words, but it had problems with abbreviations and lingo. I had no problems with that condition. I didn't use txt speak anyway. Actually, I'd hardly ever txted before in my life.

At the moment, we were talking about the film I was shooting. Merlin knew the bare minimum, about what everyone else knew about the movie. I was forbidden from giving away any secrets about the plot or ending. It was in my contract.

"Well you look unusually happy. Hang on, are you txting?" a familiar voice called. My heart skipped a beat and I spun around, hiding my phone behind my back.

"Morgana!" I exclaimed in shock. "What the bloody hell are you doing here?"

"Language, Arthur. And I came to speak with the director. You don't need to know why," she explained. Need to know? She couldn't tell me, more like it. "Anyway, who are you txting?" She tried to peer around me to see my phone.

"You don't need to know," I quote her words. She frowned.

"Oh please," she laughed humorlessly and rolled her eyes. "Someone is bound to notice the way you're hovering over that phone like an oxygen mask. You'll go on set, and they're going to figure out who it is that makes Arthur Pendragon go gaga over his phone…. Buuuut, if you had someone you knew who could hold the phone for you while you were on stage….," and she trailed off, looking down at her fingers as though it wasn't obvious what she was planning. I sighed in annoyance.

"He's just some guy," I admitted. "He's not in the business so I don't see him every day. He suggested txting. End of story."

Morgana did not look impressed.

"Just some guy? Arthur, you've never had a normal friend. Heck, you've hardly had a famous friend. How did you even meet this guy?" she asked. Despite her questions being almost rudely invasive, she somehow managed to sound concerned and unobtrusive. Wow, the powers of an actress.

"He introduced Mordred to young adult books," I explained rapidly, hitting the send button on my phone and the slipping the device into my pocket.

"…Young adult?" Morgana repeated as though speaking through a pillow. She sounded almost muffled.

"Yep. Sorry. I must return to the stage. See you another time, Morgana. Do enjoy yourself while you're here," I said and hurried over to the scene again. My interns popped up to do some quick 'helping' before the stage hands ripped them out of the way.

I glanced over toward Morgana, who was standing and watching me curiously, just before we started shooting again. She seemed more confused than before. This random guy must seem like an enigma to her. He got Mordred to read books for his age group. He got me to txt. Yep. No doubt Merlin was eating away at Morgana's mind. This was definitely not the last time she'd bring him up.

* * *

"Hello?" I asked as I answered the phone. As soon as I did, I wished I'd checked the caller ID.

"Don't hang up," Morgana's voice sounded in my ear. I groaned. "Look, I'm just worried. I don't want you to get tired of this guy and drop him under the bus in a week or two."

"Why on earth would I 'drop him under a bus', Morgana?" I asked sarcastically. I held the phone with my shoulder while I… um… filed my nails…. But only because they needed it! It wasn't like I enjoyed doing it or anything…

"Fine – 'throw him under a bus'. Is that better? And because I've known you since we met on the set of Doctor Who when we were nine years old and playing extras. I've seen you take an interest in something only to grow bored of it and throw it aside. You do it all the time – electronics, games, hobbies, even certain movie deals. I just don't want it to happen to this poor book guy - to get his hopes all built up on this friendship only to have you dash them to pieces when you move on," Morgana finished, exasperated.

"Well that certainly was a mouthful," I commented. I heard her growl.

"Arthur, this is serious," she huffed. I examined my handy work on one hand and then switched over to the other.

"Morgana, you're concern is adorable, believe me, but you've really got nothing to worry about. It'll be fine. Trust me. I can tell the difference between a hobby and a human being. After all, I've kept you around, haven't I?" I teased gently.

It turned out that I didn't need to hang up on Morgana after all. She hung up on me. I smiled a bit smugly and tossed my phone onto the bed beside me until I could finish my nails. I wasn't going to toss Merlin aside. He was more important than some video game or … fencing, for example. He was a person. I couldn't just throw away a person, could I? .... Could I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview: Paris by Night
> 
> Chin up. Chin down. Bend the knee. Sit. Stand. Lay down. Necklaces, chokers, bracelets, rings, silver or gold, long or short, bigger or smaller, antique or shiny new. Flashes. I blinked in rapid fire to clear my vision.
> 
> That darkness was what Merlin saw everyday… all the time.
> 
> "How are things between you and Will?" I asked to get the conversation off of me.
> 
> "Hm, but you never really told me either," I pointed out smugly.
> 
> I gently slid my fingers over his hand until I could guide it. My eyes were on his hand, pale and smooth on the back, rough but gentle on the front. I remember tracing the lines.
> 
> I stood up and grabbed my coat from the back of my chair. "Do you want me to get anything for you? Some kind of souvenir or something?"
> 
> "Well… I guess I'll be seeing you," I said as we paused in front of the large glass doors. Just as I turned to leave, I felt a tug around my neck.
> 
> He tugged down on the necklace more, a strong and swift movement. I was pulled down a half an inch and then Merlin's lips…
> 
> …wait, what?


	8. Paris by Night

"So how are things going with Lancelot?" Merlin asked one average day in November. We sat outside the bookshop that day. We were playing cards in the warm sunlight. I know what you're thinking. Merlin's blind. How could he play cards? Well, apparently they make special brail decks for these occasions. Nifty, right?

"They're not. I see him every few days on set. He really does have a minor role… but I do my best not to talk to him outside of characters," I explained as I put down a card. Merlin reached out to feel it before deciding what to do.

Usually I read out what card it was so he wouldn't have to touch it and take up time, but this time I had been speaking. I realized how easy it would be for me to cheat at cards with him, but I didn't. Somehow, I got the impression that Merlin would remember every card I said I put down and when I flubbed up and said the same card again, he'd know… then our friendship would probably fall into rough seas until he decided I was nothing but a cheater at the core and left me… I mean, told me to stop coming. And that was the worst case scenario, of course. I'd rather play fairly and prove I was trustworthy.

"How are things between you and Will?" I asked to get the conversation off of me.

"Fine," Merlin replied, laying down his card. "He went out and bought me a new gift."

"Oh yeah? What did he get you?" I asked, sounding genuinely interested. I was curious to see what Merlin's actual friend would have gotten him. Merlin cracked a grin as though I'd said a joke.

"He bought me a pair of sunglasses and a bottle of vanilla hand lotion," Merlin answered. If possible, his grin got even wider. It infected my face.

"Do you like vanilla?" I asked. Well holy beans on toast – that smile even infected my voice.

"Not really," Merlin laughed breathily. "Will really is shit when it comes to buying gifts. I was genuinely shocked when he said he got me that music CD. I've never even told him I like the sound of the ocean."

"Hm, but you never really told _me_ either," I pointed out smugly. I put my whole hand down on the table.

"True, but I already knew you were more perceptive than Will. He's too wrapped up in his mother and his work to notice much else. He's a good friend, an awesome bloke. He just isn't as attentive as some people," Merlin replied and I wasn't sure if he was defending Will or explaining him.

"I win," I said. Merlin froze.

"You what?"

"I win. Phase 10 complete," I rephrased. Merlin's brow furrowed.

"Liar," he grunted, but I could tell he didn't mean it.

"Read them for yourself." I leaned on the table and pushed the cards an inch closer to Merlin.

He set his hand facedown and reached forward across the table. I gently slid my fingers over his hand until I could guide it to the cards. Merlin barely touched the cards before his head tilted up, eyes looking up toward where my face should be. My eyes were on his hand, pale and smooth on the back, rough but gentle on the front. I slowly moved my finger across the back of his hand while he felt out the cards.

I don't recall exactly when he turned his hand over in mine, but I remember tracing the lines of his palm as though they were something important that I had to remember. I heard Merlin let out some sort of breathy noise and then he tilted his head down, eyes moving toward where his hand was.

"You're right," he nearly breathed out. "You win."

His voice broke my concentration, which I should have been glad for. I let go of his hand, which he pulled back across the table and set lightly on his knee. We sat in silence for a few minutes. I don't know what was going through his mind, but mine was virtually blank.

I wondered what I had been doing to his hand, why I had been doing it, and…. More worrisome, if he would let me do it again. However, beyond these three questions, my mind thought nothing. I didn't contemplate the answers. I didn't try to imagine what he was thinking. I didn't even wonder if anyone had seen. I was just blank.

I reached up to straighten my beanie and frowned. My mind had started to work again. I had a photo shoot in France tomorrow. I had to leave for the airport by three to arrive on time by the company's schedule. I glanced at my watch. It was barely one, but I hadn't packed and the airport was a half hour away. I frowned.

"Sorry. I have to go," I spoke up, breaking the silence. I stood up and grabbed my coat from the back of my chair. "I'll be back from Paris in two days, um… Do you want me to get anything for you? Some kind of souvenir or something?"

Merlin smiled softly. "A new pair of eyes?" he asked teasingly. I smiled and then frowned.

"I wish," I countered. "Still, I don't think French handiwork is quite skillful enough. Anything else?"

"I'm sure you'll think of something," Merlin assured me, standing up as well. "And I won't be crushed if you don't get anything."

"Right," I agreed. I gathered all the cards up off the table and handed the box to Merlin. "Good game. Next time we should try and see if you're as good at chess."

"I doubt it," Merlin laughed.

There was a pleasant silence between us for a moment and then we walked back into the store. Merlin followed me toward the back door as I headed to my car. It had become a slightly common occurrence. Sometimes it made me feel like a girl, being walked to my door after a date… except I was only being walked to the back entrance of a store and this was definitely not a date.

"Well… I guess I'll be seeing you," I said as we paused in front of the large glass doors. Merlin nodded.

Just as I turned to leave, I felt a tug around my neck. Merlin had grabbed hold of my necklace. It was the whistle one. I'd been wearing it when I didn't have work, though I wasn't entirely sure why. It wasn't a particularly special necklace, though it was made out of silver.

"What?" I asked. Merlin wasn't speaking. Merlin pulled a bit tighter on the necklace and I lowered my head to compensate. He was pulling me down like he was about to tell me a secret.

"Don't take this off," he murmured. "It sounds nice."

Sounds? But this whistle never made any noise. What was he talking about? I frowned as I thought. Well Merlin's ears were definitely more attuned to soft sounds than mine were. Maybe my necklace really did whistle as I walked and I just couldn't hear it. I smiled a bit. Maybe that was how Merlin always knew when I walked in. He could hear the whistle.

"Alright," I agreed and shrugged lightly. "See you in three days?"

"See you in three days," Merlin repeated. He tugged down on the necklace more, a strong and swift movement. I was pulled down a half an inch and then Merlin's lips connected with mine. His eyes were shut behind his sunglasses and his breathing was calm, though I could feel his quick heartbeat through his lips.

It was a half minute kiss that took me by surprise and left me speechless. Merlin still held my necklace captive in his hands. My eyes, which had never closed, watched in awed shock as Merlin's eyes reopened behind the colored lenses of his glasses. Merlin's eyes did not attempt to lock with mine. They just stared, forward and open, more toward my chest than my face.

"…Merlin?" I heard myself breathe. Merlin nodded once.

"It's a promise," he said and it sounded like the most important words I'd ever heard. Then Merlin released the whistle and walked away. I was still processing the kiss as I watched him vanish into the shelves.

When I walked outside, the sun hit me hard. I squinted in the bright rays but continued onto my car without pause. As I sat in my car, I decided it was okay to think about what had just happened. Well it wasn't like I hadn't been kissed before. I'd been kissed by tons of girls and plenty of guys – I didn't keep track of how many of those, though it was probably nearly the same. However, never ever in my entire life had I been kissed by someone I actually knew and cared about… well… There was Morgana, but that was for a movie. I turned the key in the ignition. That was when it hit me.

Merlin had kissed me.

I pulled out of the parking space and looked over at the shop. My phone rang with a message from my mother. I shook my head and drove out of the lot. Merlin had kissed me, but I didn't have time to act, much less think about acting. Wait… maybe that was the other way around… Anyway, I had a flight to catch. I'd figure out what to do about Merlin while I was on the plane.

* * *

"So the shoot is set to begin exactly at noon. Are you listening? Noon. That means we have to be there half an hour early so you can find your designers before it begins. They'll do your make-up and get you into your outfits. The cameras start clicking at three. We'll be done and out of there by six if everything goes off without a hitch. If the photog gets picky or changes his mind, we could be there till seven, and if they decide to give you new outfits to work with, we could even be in there till eight or nine, but right now we're shooting for six. But you know photographers, Arthur. If you tell them you have no other appointments that day, they'll take all the time they want. Drat. I should have told them you had a dinner date at seven."

"Calm down, Helen. Everything will be fine," I assured her. "If they take an extra hour to film me in sexy clothes, I don't mind. Oh, but make sure I have some shopping time. I want to check a few places for a souvenir or two."

"For your family?"

"Yeah. For my family…. So what's on the schedule the next day?"

"You're getting interviewed by the magazine. Here's the list of questions they plan to ask, but there is always a chance for improvisation. Now, they may-…"

I looked out of the plane window, Helen's voice drifting into a hazy mumble. We were nearing France. It would be late when we arrived at the hotel, but I didn't mind. I didn't want to examine the city of light and love just yet. I wanted to think about… well about Merlin. I wanted to talk to Gaius about it and see what I should do. I wasn't good at expressing emotion. I didn't even know how to feel about this, and that was the scary part. I'd never had a problem understanding myself before. I'd always known how to handle situations like this. You run. You run away from things like this… But I didn't want to run. That was all I knew. I didn't even know why.

The Eiffel Tower came into view then and I gasped. I'd never seen it lit up like that… not in person. I pulled my phone from my pocket and opened a new message. Instinctively, I found Merlin in my phone and began the message.

'I wish you could see this. Paris is beautiful.'

I paused, my finger over the send button. I was about to send a message to Merlin. I didn't even know how to feel about our last encounter and I was going to message him. I may be emotionally inept, but I knew how to tell when I was giving people the wrong signals. What if I wanted to lighten my relationship with Merlin? Would sending him a message about the beauty of Paris and 'wishing' he could see it really be in my best interest right now? I closed the phone without sending.

"Arthur, are you even listening to me?" Helen's voice seemed much too loud in my ear.

"What? Yes!" I answered reflexively, turning in my chair and jumping in shock. I'd actually forgotten she was there. "I mean… Sorry, what?" I gave her a half apologetic half confused look which was probably not as effective as my usual puppy dog look, but it seemed to work… even though it wasn't planned at all and completely genuine. She sighed.

"Okay, you're right. It's not every day you get to see Paris from the sky. We'll go over this again tomorrow after the photo shoot," she conceded. Then she joined me in staring out the windows. I smiled gratefully and she winked. I didn't wonder why. Maybe I should have.

* * *

Every time the flashbulbs lit, light flooded my vision. For that blinking moment afterward, the world went black before returning to full and beautiful color. Flash after flash surrounded me. Turn one way. Turn the other way. Chin up. Chin down. Bend the knee. Sit. Stand. Lay down. Hand up by the head, eyes shut. Elbows on the knees, hands folded and eyes looking out over the knuckles. Hat. No hat. Sunglasses? No. Jeans. T-shirts. Jackets – denim, cotton, leather. Suits – pin striped and solid. Sneakers – sketchers and converse. Trench coats and old inspector gadget hats. Necklaces, chokers, bracelets, rings, silver or gold, long or short, bigger or smaller, antique or shiny new.

Flashes. I blinked in rapid fire to clear my vision. The darkness. Temporary blindness. Merlin.

"Arthur, are you okay?" I heard Helen call to me. I smiled over at her and nodded.

That darkness was what Merlin saw everyday… all the time. I wondered if I would be able to handle being blind. Would I go into some mega-drama depression? Would they make a sitcom about me? A movie? Could I play myself in a movie? That could be interesting.

I let out a little sigh. I was letting my mind wander too far. If I didn't concentrate, I'd end up ruining the shoot. Still, my mind kept drifting every time a flash went off. Every time I experienced the momentary blindness, my mind wandered away and to a bookie sitting somewhere far away.

I frowned. In a split second, two things happened. I imagined Merlin, alone in a house of darkness and just waiting for the sun to warm him in the morning. I imagined Merlin kissing me and making my next visit into a promise. I imagined him, sitting with me all these days and talking to me… unable to see a thing. I imagined liking someone I couldn't see, someone I had only ever heard… literally falling in love with someone's voice.

Love? Yes maybe that was part of the answer to my problems. A crush this very well may be. I had never had one of these before, so I wasn't positive on how to continue, but I decided I would send my message to Merlin… because there were no 'wrong' signals I could send with a message like that – not if this was definitely a crush.

So yes, two things happened. The first was me deciding to continue this relationship I had with Merlin, however odd it was for me to decide something like that. The second thing was that the photographer got very angry at me for ruining his shots with a frown and stormed out of the room for a ten minute 'cool down'. Oops.

I walked calmly to Helen, who gave me an exasperated look. She shook her head at me. I just smiled and took my phone from her. I opened a new message and sent my first txt from France. Somewhere in England, a blind man was being stirred from his daily routine. His phone would open the message and he would hear that odd computer voice say 'I wish you could see the beauty of the tower. It is the brightest point in Paris I have seen and reminds me of you –Merlin, you are like Paris by night. Be home soon – Arthur.'

That's when I decided something else too. As I shut the phone and handed it back to Helen, I decided to give Lancelot a call when I got back. I would have called that very instant, but I needed some time to plan out a speech. It wasn't everyday you tried to tell your cousin that you've been jealous of him since he was brought into the world.

Wow. Merlin was some kind of miracle worker – a crush and Lancelot all in one kiss. I couldn't wait to see what happened after a proper snogging.

…. Wait, what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview: So Many Little Details
> 
> Ask me why I'm jealous of my cousin. In some cases, that could be all that really mattered… but not to me. As I looked across the table at Lancelot, I had to strictly remind myself not to lie during this confession. No more pissing about.
> 
> "You're just trying to change the subject," I accused.
> 
> "No I'm not," Lancelot sighed. He took another drink of his coffee. "You're changing… scarily for the better, I think. It's just not like you, Arthur…."
> 
> Before I could try to answer or argue, Gaius hung up on me. I looked down at my phone and then stuck my tongue out at it. I felt like a silly child.
> 
> When I entered the store, I noticed the music first. I leaned in and closed my eyes. Good lord, this would be the first time I'd voluntarily kissed someone offset.
> 
> "Arthur, is that you?"
> 
> I watched as my father looked Merlin over again. I could see the gears working and the final realization. My heart swelled. These new emotions would be the death of me.


	9. So Many Little Details

Ask me why I'm jealous of my cousin. I'll tell you exactly what Merlin told me. The blighter had a beautiful fiancée, a successful career in modeling, the attention of three leading countries, more fans than he wanted, handsome looks, perfectly humble personality, the chivalry of a knight, and a new budding fix in acting. I only beat him in two categories. I had a finer and longer reputation, and I had more money. In some cases, that could be all that really mattered… but not to me.

I was still an attention whore at heart, so his flippant disregard for the millions of men and women who flocked to his image really bugged me. Still, I tried to hold that in. As I looked across the table at Lancelot, I had to strictly remind myself not to lie during this confession. I wasn't allowed to skirt the issue any longer. No more pissing about.

"You know, I was genuinely surprised to see you were asking me to lunch… through a txt message, no less. When did you even start doing that?" Lancelot asked cheerfully. Then he shook his head. "You know what? It doesn't matter. I'm just glad we get to spend time together."

Add 'psychic' to the list of reasons I hated him. He obviously knew me too well. He'd guessed how annoyed I would be with that question before I even managed to express it on my face. Damn it! Only Mordred was allowed to read my mind!

"Okay, well let's not get too comfy. This isn't strictly free time. I did ask you here partially on business," I avowed. A waitress stopped by our table and set down two mugs of coffee. I thought she lingered longer than necessary, but I didn't even look up at her. I stared right into Lancelot's eyes. He broke our eye contact long enough to thank her.

"Ok," he allowed once she had gone. "What do you need to talk about?"

"I hate you."

Lancelot pulled his cup away from his mouth before he could even take a sip and regarded me with wildly confused eyes. For a long while, we said nothing. I held a blank stare. Lancelot seemed to grow more confused and concerned as time passed. He slowly lowered his coffee back to the table.

"W-what?" he finally managed to utter. I shifted in my seat and glanced out the window.

"Okay, so maybe 'hate' is a bit strong. How about this one? Sometimes you make me so jealous that I want to drive insanely and dangerously fast and I even get ill when I think about you," I restated. Yep. That about summed it up.

Lancelot looked even more concerned than before.

"Arthur, I had no idea," he began and then stopped. He seemed to consider his next words carefully, as though they didn't make sense to him. "Why on Earth would you be jealous of _me_?"

"Oh don't act innocent," I answered blandly. I was proud of how easy it was to keep check on my anger. "Your popularity, your looks, you lover – oh, I mean fiancée, I mean even your clothes make me jealous. You are given awesome clothes. I wear those for photo shoots and then they're returned to the designer. I have to buy all of my own clothes. But what truly drives me up a wall…. how you bat that all aside like it's nothing. Nothing!"

"But it _is_ nothing," Lancelot murmured, obviously unsure with himself. I shook my head.

"No, it's not. It's practically everything," I corrected, my voice raising an octave but not changing in volume.

Lancelot's expression changed then. It became curiously confused instead of concerned. It was as if he was suddenly confused by me instead of by himself or the conversation. I didn't like that look directed at me, especially by him. Without talking, he took a drink of his coffee. Mine remained untouched. I imagined it would stay that way, as it often did when I visited Merlin.

"Have you looked at yourself lately?" Lancelot asked, and it seemed outrageously off topic.

"What?" was my brilliant response.

"Your clothes… I just realized they've changed," he reiterated. I looked down at myself. Blue shirt with buttons at the collar and three quarter sleeves, fitted jeans, my whistle necklace, a leather watch, and a brown belt. What was so special about my outfit? "You're buttoned up," Lancelot pointed out, answering my unspoken question.

"So?" I asked, obviously missing the point. That was a huge difference?

"That's a huge difference," Lance repeated my thoughts. "You used to do small things, like unbuttoning those top buttons, to make yourself more… sexually appealing. I've noticed it at work too. You're dressing more… conservative, Arthur."

"You're just trying to change the subject," I accused, but I still reached up to unbutton the for-show buttons.

"No I'm not," Lancelot sighed. He took another drink of his coffee. "You're changing… scarily for the better, I think. For example, your clothes. For another, this kind of jealousy doesn't happen overnight. It must have been something extensive that finally pressed you into admitting this. It's just not like you, Arthur…. I wonder how many other people have noticed."

"And how is this not changing the subject?" I purposefully drank from my coffee, looking away from Lancelot and to the window. The apocalypse must be soon. I actually hated the attention I was getting from Lancelot.

"You say recognition and attention and power are all that matter… and yet you're changing from your old habits," Lancelot explained. "When was the last time you went out to a party? Flirted? In public? With a _girl_?"

"Are you trying to insinuate something?" I growled, my gaze snapping back to him. Like usual, I felt as though I was being attacked by his words.

"No. I can't insinuate something if it's already true," he pointed out. I narrowed my eyes in confusion. He smiled nervously. "You're mother and Morgana may or may not have told me about this new guy in your life."

"Traitors," I cursed under my breath, looking away again. Lancelot laughed softly.

"There is a first for everything," he murmured in awe. "I even think you're blushing."

I refused to admit that his continued laughter didn't feel like it was stinging me anymore. And had it become so obvious to others- this change Lancelot pointed out? When had I started changing my outfits and my schedule? How had I managed to change so many little details of my life without noticing it myself?

* * *

"No, I'm telling you, I must be ill," I said for what felt like the 100th time in the last hour. "Gaius, stop laughing. Look, I'm not that far away. I could turn this car around and be at your office in less than ten minutes, so if you don't stop joking with me, I'm coming over and wiping the giggles right off your face."

"Oh you would not," Gaius corrected. "I bet you're pulling into the parking space right now, aren't you?"

I pressed my lips into a thin line. I was already parked. I heard Gaius laugh a little more, but he must be covering the phone to hide it from me. News flash: it wasn't working.

"Listen to me," the old man began when he had control over his voice. "All I can tell you is that there is no cure for love. If you have honestly been swooned by this man, there's nothing to do but accept it or reject it… but I warn you, rejecting can mask it up with hatred. But there is good news."

"What would that be?" I half snapped. I knew what he was saying was true, but I still didn't like hearing it. If I told myself that, it was fine. I'd already done that, but hearing Gaius say it made me upset with him.

"You've stopped trying to tell me it was a dream," Gaius replied. I scowled and hit my forehead. Oh damn. "Haha, don't think too much on it, Arthur. Just go inside and ask him out for a meal or something."

Before I could try to answer or argue, Gaius hung up on me. I looked down at my phone and then stuck my tongue out at it. I felt like a silly child. The phone's screen went dark just before I slid it into my pocket. Gaius had one point… I was here, so I might as well go in. Besides, I'd promised Merlin to come visit when I got back.

I felt like I was making excuses for nothing, almost as though I thought I would have to explain myself to Merlin when I found him. A sigh escaped my lips.

When I entered the store, I noticed the music first. It seemed slightly louder than normal, almost as though there was more room than normal in the store. It was a bit early, I noted. The shop had just opened. I guessed the difference was the lack of people scanning the shelves. Slowly, I made my way down the side aisle so even less people would notice me. I wasn't wearing my beanie today. I didn't need a fan to be one of the four people shopping and cause a ruckus.

"Arthur?" I heard a soft voice asked. I looked behind me and smiled.

"Merlin," I replied. "How did you get behind me? I checked every aisle," I teased lightly.

"Luck, I guess," he said. He seemed uncertain and nervous. I let out a half sigh and walked over to him.

"Relax. It's just me." I put my hand on his shoulder, and he jumped a bit but did seem to calm down afterward.

"I'm just surprised," he explained. "I wasn't sure you'd be coming back."

"You mean because you kissed me," I clarified, my voice going flat. "You're right. I was stunned. I was shocked. I got all the way to my photo shoot in Paris before I finally decided how I felt about that. Speaking of which, did you get my message?"

Merlin's face lit up with a blush that was more obvious on his pale skin than it would ever be on mine. The bookie nodded. I smiled.

"Good. Then it's all settled," I said, tone turning pleased.

"What?" Merlin asked, confusion battling embarrassment on his face.

I felt my heart beating in my chest so strongly I was sure even Merlin could hear it. It wasn't speedy or fluttering, but it was powerful. I could virtually feel it pump adrenaline through me. For a moment, I didn't understand it. I didn't need energy or a chemical high right now. I felt my fingers tingle with an odd desire to move, but until they did, I didn't know why.

Then I was taking Merlin's face between my hands, holding him gently and yet not letting him move. I leaned in and closed my eyes. Good lord, this would be the first time I'd voluntarily kissed someone offset.

"Arthur?"

I froze, a simple inch between me and Merlin. My hands slowly dropped to Merlin's shoulders and I pulled back an inch more. I let out a soft sigh.

"Arthur, is that you?" the voice was closer.

"Sorry," I whispered. I felt the adrenaline seeping out of me. Merlin looked shocked and confused. He stretched his hands up toward my face, probably trying to figure out my expression, but I caught his hands before they reached me. "I'm sorry," I repeated.

I turned around, dropping Merlin's hands.

"Father," I greeted with fake enthusiasm. "What are you doing here so early?"

"Mordred needed more books. He insisted we wait for you to come back. He said he wanted you to take him, but I managed to pry the name of the store out of him yesterday along with a few book titles. What are you doing here?" he asked. My father, the kindly giant… until he heard something he didn't like. If I honestly told him 'I came to find this worker and snog him into the bookshelf'… well let's just say it wouldn't go over too well.

Father knew my preferences ranged, but he'd never seen me actually with a guy. Actually, he'd only ever seen me with Sophia – God rest that failure of a relationship – and some blonde woman from Scotland. Both didn't last more than a week, and father never seemed too surprised by it… but I still didn't want to test his reaction to my newfound ability to have a crush.

"I just stopped by to visit a friend," I replied. It was more or less true. Merlin was definitely a friend. I stepped to the side. "This is Merlin," I introduced. "He's the bookie who showed Mordred the young adult books he's been reading."

"Oh?" My father regarded Merlin in awed appraisal for a moment. Then he seemed to deem him worthy. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Uther Pendragon, Arthur's father."

He held out his hand, but Merlin didn't move to respond. I moved swiftly, taking Merlin's hand and tugging him forward a bit until his fingers touched my father's hand. Merlin took over from there, sliding his hand into my father's much larger palm and shaking it firmly.

"Merlin Emrys, and the pleasure is all mine. Your sons are very nice. I was just doing my job," he insisted. As soon as the handshake was over, Merlin backed up to his previous spot, just behind me.

I watched as father looked Merlin over again. This time he seemed to notice the sunglasses more than before and the half-lidded eyes behind the lenses. I could see the gears working and the final realization.

"Yes well… Thank you for everything. It's nice to hear Arthur has a friend," Father partially murmured. However, his voice was so strong that even a murmur sounded like normal speech. "If you'll excuse me, I have somewhere to be shortly and need to finish my shopping."

With that, Uther Pendragon turned and walked away. He didn't even say anything to me. Usually he would have said something to me about seeing me at home or have a nice day or something. This was nothing. I raised an inquisitive eyebrow. Interesting.

"I don't think he liked me," Merlin spoke up and it sounded like a joke. I smiled back at him.

"Nah. You must seem like the missing link to him. You got Mordred into a new style of book. You got me a friend, and to top it all off, you're blind. It must be driving him mad to try and figure you out," I teased, poking Merlin in the forehead.

Merlin laughed and so did I. I made him laugh. That brought me unusual joy… the kind of emotion I portrayed in movies but had little experience with in life. As Merlin stopped laughing, I sighed out peacefully. Then, before anymore interruptions could come between us, I swooped down and captured the blind man's lips with my own. He only seemed mildly shocked.

I tilted us sideways and stepped forward until Merlin's back connected with the wall shelf. Then I peppered his lips with kisses. He did his best to match me, unable to see and with little time to listen for my next move. Mostly, I think he counted on pure desire to move me to meet him, instead of the other way around. That worked until, finally, I drew back and stayed back.

"I've been waiting since Paris to do that," I admitted, just truly realizing it myself.

"Was it like in the movies?" Merlin teased quietly. I scoffed and kissed him one more time.

"No. Not at all." And it was the truth. It wasn't as smooth or graceful as my movie kisses, but I could learn to like it. Merlin smiled at my answer. My heart swelled. These new emotions would be the death of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview: Acting Blind
> 
> Change doesn't happen instantly. I discovered that the hard way.
> 
> "Honey… Are you in love?" she asked, glee evident in her voice.
> 
> "Is he blind?"
> 
> "Is it that obvious?"
> 
> I could see his eyes were closed. He looked really good in his navy blue swimming trunks and matching short sleeved shirt. His hair moved gently in the wind and I briefly wanted to touch it. I mentally blocked that desire and focused on his words.
> 
> "Good point. Maybe I'm a pedophile," I pondered aloud.
> 
> "There is something I want to do," Merlin admitted.
> 
> "Oh yeah? What's that?" I asked, almost turning my full body to look at him. Merlin did turn. He crossed his legs and rotated all the way around to face me.
> 
> "I want to feel you," he said.
> 
> "Like what you feel?" I teased, boasting partially. I opened my eyes in time to see Merlin's face change from pale with a tint of pink to full on red.
> 
> Needless to say, I sort of lost it. I glared right back at the woman on the ground as a nurse checked her wrist. I was pretty sure I'd broken it. The mysterious set fall had a dozen people crowding around to try and fix it and figure out what had happened. The set manager was furious. There was so much noise, more noise than I had ever heard on a set.


	10. Acting Blind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was also alerted by a reviewer that going to the beach at the time of year this is would be ludicrous... well hindsight being what it is. Sorry.

Rag in hand, I cleaned and polished my mother's dining room table. The counters were clear and shining. The carpets were so fresh they may have been new. I ran my rag over the wood of the table until I could virtually see myself in it. It may have just been me, but I could feel a bounce when I walked.

Mordred sat on the couch, leaning over the back to watch me work. He looked mildly concerned for my mental health, but I paid him little mind. The young teen just stared at me until the door opened from the lift. He instantly knew who it was coming in and slowly turned a pointed look toward me.

"Mum! Arthur's lost his marbles!" he called out as though he were tattling on me. I gave him a half hearted glare.

"I have not!" I called back.

"I'll believe that when I see it… Goodness. It smells so clean in here. Have you boys been working?" my mother asked as she took her shoes off and headed to the living room to set down her bags. She froze when she got there and put a hand to her mouth. She looked around the room and then into the dining room. With slow, careful steps, she moved to see into the kitchen.

"Oh my…," we all she could say.

"I told you so," Mordred said. "He's been hoping around the house and cleaning ever since he woke up this morning. Mom, I don't want a crazy person for a brother. What happened to Arthur?"

"Shove off," I whined. "Just because I cleaned up doesn't mean I've lost it."

"Is it a holiday?" mother asked. "Someone's birthday? Have I forgotten something?"

"No," I laughed, unable to stay upset. I sort of slid over to my mother and hugged her. "I just wanted to do something nice for you. Besides, I had all of this energy held inside me. I had to do something with it."

I watched my mother's face shift from surprise to pleased to proud. Then she reached her hand up to my face and caressed my cheek. I smiled and leaned into it a bit. She let out a soft chuckle. Her other hand rested on my shoulder.

"Honey… Are you in love?" she asked, glee evident in her voice.

The smile dropped off my face. I replaced it with oblivious confusion.

"No," I answered quickly and turned away from her. I went back to the table and wiped at it in a deliberately harsh manner, nothing like what I'd been doing earlier.

"He's blushing!" Mordred exclaimed, pointing an excited finger at me. I threw my rag at his head and caused him to fall backwards off the couch. Victory.

"Oh, Arthur, stop that," My mother scolded gently. She stepped up to me and grabbed my arm. "It's not something to be ashamed of if you are," she continued. "But when in the world did you find time to fall in love?"

I grabbed her hands and held them between us. Our gazes locked, mine steady and revealing nothing. After a second, when I was sure she was paying attention, I spoke, slowly so she wouldn't misunderstand.

"Mother, I am not in love," I clarified. "I just happen to have a good friend… for once." I cast a side glare at Mordred, who was propped up on the couch again, grinning like an idiot. "Is that clear?"

"Sure sure," Mordred agreed flippantly, waving his hand as though to push away any other thoughts on the matter. He didn't believe me at all, I could tell.

"Okay then," My mother consented, nodding her head and lowering her hands out of my grasp. "Well I'm happy for you either way."

With that, she pat me on the shoulder and thanked me for my hard work. I watched her walk into the kitchen to start cooking, using the book I bought her on my second trip to the bookstore. It was probably best if I didn't let her know about the kissing bit. I wasn't entirely sure how she'd react, but I was certain it would be in a flurry of supportive, girl emotion that I just couldn't handle right now. Plus, she was bound to tell father, and I'd already decided not to give him any details.

* * *

On Sunday afternoon, I took Merlin down to the pier again. We sat in the sand wearing dorky swimming trunks and listened. For almost an hour we heard the waves, the wind, and the seagulls… which I could have done without. They were loud and screeching at times. I was shirtless. Merlin was not. The beach was mostly disserted due to the dropping weather, but it was still early November, so it wasn't that bad. We could probably still go in the water so long as we didn't stay in too long and wrapped ourselves in towels as soon as we got out.

"Have you told anyone yet?" Merlin's voice broke the calm.

I looked over at him through my sunglasses. He was wearing his as well, but I could see his eyes were closed. He looked really good in his navy blue swimming trunks and matching short sleeved shirt. His hair moved gently in the wind and I briefly wanted to touch it. I mentally blocked that desire and focused on his words.

"Told who about what?" I asked.

"Everyone, about the kissing," he clarified, turning to look at me. His eyes opened and I stared through the glare of the sun and the darkness of the lenses to see his pale blue eyes.

"No, not yet. They all know about you though. I seem to be terrible at hiding things. They'll find out soon enough," I answered, tilting my head to block some of the glare. "Merlin, how long have you been blind?"

"Six years," he replied instantly, looking back out at the ocean.

"Liar."

"I'm not lying. I had an accident six years ago. You can ask my mom," Merlin defended. I snorted.

"Not that, idiot. I mean you lied to me weeks ago. You keep telling me you've been blind most of your life. Sorry, but last I checked, you weren't eleven," I accused gently. Merlin smirked, still not looking toward me.

"How do you know? Maybe I'm just big for my age," he teased.

"Good point. Maybe I'm a pedophile," I pondered aloud. That did it. He laughed. I smiled for a moment, but as his laughter died away, I frowned. My eyebrows narrowed in seriousness. "Seriously though… what happened?"

"An accident," Merlin repeated himself. "Nothing big."

"What kind of accident?" I pressed. I was eager to know.

"It's not important. It happened six years ago," Merlin assured me, turning to give me a smile. I opened my mouth to protest, but he met my struggle with a kiss. I couldn't argue that, so I simply returned the pressure. "Don't worry about it," he murmured.

"Will you tell me one day?" I asked, my voice soft. We were so close.

"Sure. One day," he agreed. I kissed him again. I understood why he wouldn't tell me. It had to be a sensitive subject, the memory of losing his sight. It must be painful, physically and emotionally. I'd leave it alone for now.

Wow. Lancelot was right. I was changing. A few weeks ago, I would have thrown a fit at not getting what I wanted. I smiled into the string of kisses we had begun. Crushes were good for me.

"You want to get in the water?" I asked when I managed to pull away.

"And get a cold? No way," and Merlin's voice was somehow serious and teasing at the same time. "But there is something I want to do."

"Oh yeah? What's that?" I asked, almost turning my full body to look at him. Merlin did turn. He crossed his legs and rotated all the way around to face me.

"I want to feel you," he said.

At first I was stunned. Feel me? What on God's green and blue Earth did that mean? Then I thought of the movies and how all the blind characters seemed to like to feel their partner's faces to 'see' them. That must be what Merlin was talking about, I told myself. I nodded before remembering he couldn't see it.

"Sure."

Merlin's hands reached up, tentative and shy at first, and did in fact land on my face. They were sand free, surprisingly, and he felt out my cheeks and the bone structure. As he felt out everything but my lips and eyes, I began to feel as though he was checking for imperfections rather than checking for features. Still, his fingers dragging over my skin was oddly sensational and pleasant. I closed my eyes to enjoy it just as he moved his hands away.

Before I could even reopen my eyes, his hands were back… but not on my face. They were on my neck, feeling out the curve and shape of my collarbone and shoulders. I shivered but didn't open my eyes. Maybe it was better if I didn't watch what he was doing right now. I let my other senses take over to follow Merlin's movements and his fingers then found my chest.

He hesitated here, waiting a moment just below my throat as though expecting me to stop him. I suppose I normally would, but I didn't. After that second, Merlin's hands moved again, slowly and meticulously feeling out the contours of my muscles, beautiful and stunningly trained. I heard Merlin make an extremely soft but interested noise. I smirked.

"Like what you feel?" I teased, boasting partially. I opened my eyes in time to see Merlin's face change from pale with a tint of pink to full on red.

"Yeah," he muttered. Just then, his hands reached my stomach. I thought he might go lower, but instead he pulled his hands back.

"What's the diagnosis, Doctor?" I asked mock-seriously. Merlin blushed a bit more, if that was possible, and smiled.

"You'll be happy to know you feel gorgeous," he answered clearly despite his obviously flustered state.

"You're happy to know that what you're snogging is the best looking man in Britain," I corrected and leaned in for one of those many kisses.

"Yeah. I suppose that's a plus," Merlin agreed. I kissed him again. "Although I hear Lancelot's really hot too."

I hit him for that one, but I don't think it made any difference. He was smiling like an idiot afterward.

* * *

Change doesn't happen instantly. I discovered that the hard way. Tuesday, I was at work. My schedule was jamming rather close together this week. I'd been too busy to even call Merlin on Monday. Today I was barely managing to txt him. That wasn't the issue though. The movie was the issue, as usual.

We had a new character in the scenes this time. She was a simple character, just a woman who popped in to give a cryptic message and pop back out. So what was the issue? She was blind…. Not the actress. The character was blind… from birth.

I know. That shouldn't have bothered me a bit. I knew Merlin. I should have been able to pass it off easily… but maybe knowing Merlin was the issue. She had barely walked on screen and I was already against her. She walked slowly, finding her steps carefully and yet gracefully. Then, when she reached me, she kept her eyes down all the time and never looked up at me. When she grabbed my hand, the moment when she should have her amazing premonition of the future, she looked slightly to the left but did not raise her eyes as she gasped.

Needless to say, I sort of lost it.

When she gasped at her 'vision', I ripped my hand back from her. At first it seemed like I was acting, but then I pushed her. She stumbled back and fell over and down the short stairs of the set. People started murmuring to themselves and talking loudly in the background. A pair of medical advisors ran up to check her. They were on standby because of the set we were using. She was glaring up at me through her icy contacts.

"Arthur!? What are you doing?!" someone yelled at me. I glared right back at the woman on the ground as a nurse checked her wrist. I was pretty sure I'd broken it, though she hadn't made much noise over it.

"You expect me to work with someone like this? She can't even act her part!" I accused, pointing a finger at her. "She stumbles around like some kind of idiot!"

"I'm blind!" the woman wailed. I winced briefly and then shook my head.

"Exactly! You're character has been blind from birth and is gifted with foresight! What kind of naturally blind magician can't walk a straight line?! And another thing! What blind person keeps their eyes on the floor?! They can't see! They look wherever they bloody hell want to! You seem more like a silly, newly-healed, cripple baby!" I yelled.

The director headed for me, probably no doubt to kick me off the set for the day or something, but that's when the scene behind everyone fell over. I spun around to look at it, completely shocked. I hadn't had anything to do with that. I swear to Christ.

"Holy God almighty," someone gasped out. I think it was Anthony Head to my right. I was playing his son and he was the main character.

"That set is held together with iron bars! How did it fall over?!" the director began to yell. Soon there was nothing but yelling. Adrenaline pumped through me as my mind tried to wrap around all that was happening.

The mysterious set fall had a dozen people crowding around to try and fix it and figure out what had happened. The set manager was furious. The medical staff was loudly explaining to the young actress that her wrist had a minor fracture and they needed to take her in for a cast. They had to yell to be heard over everyone else, which included the actors. Managers and agents were being phoned and the director was ordering everyone off the stage until it could be proven safe. There was so much noise, more noise than I had ever heard on a set outside of an action scene with lots of explosions. I jumped off of the set and hurried over to my chair where my jacket sat. What did I do now? Somewhere, though I couldn't place which direction, I heard the director yelling for all the stars to return to their trailers until they received further instruction. I was ready to agree.

I hurried out of the area as fast as I could and up into my trailer, slamming the door behind me. The silence allowed me space, unlike the normal silence that crushed me. This silence gave me room to calm down and figure out exactly what I was feeling. I thanked it in my mind.

Then there was a knock on my trailer door. I half expected it to be the director or a PR man come to tell me I was banned from the set or something. However, I was pleased to find that not the case… or really 'pleased' isn't the right word. When I opened the door, Lancelot was smiling up at me. I gave a half smile.

"Oh… Lancelot… Hello," I greeted poorly. What did he want and why was he smiling like that?

"That was great," Lancelot said and moved past me into my trailer. "I mean, it wasn't as hard as I'd thought it would be and I don't even feel as guilty as I expected. All I had to do was loosen one spring and the whole thing came down! I mean wasn't that great?! And the timing was perfect too."

Well he was rather pleased with himself, wasn't he?

"Wait. Are you telling me that it was _you_ who knocked down the wall?" I asked, incredulous. No way could Mr. Big and Perfect ruin a set like that with no guilt whatsoever. No way.

"Yeah. I knew you were getting into some trouble so I did the first thing I could think of. I released the set wall. It was made with iron bars but it was only a small latch to unhook everything," he explained. He continued to beam at his handiwork.

"You don't do this sort of thing often do you?" I asked, leaning on the arm of the attached sofa. Lancelot shook his head.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Only a lot. I mean, even I wouldn't be this stupidly giddy over breaking a set. Then again, I always got yelled at for messing up sets," I mused shortly. "Anyway, yeah… stop grinning like a loon and you might get away with doing it."

"Right," Lancelot agreed. He nodded and forced himself to frown. It was actually rather amusing. My perfect cousin had strayed from the path of perfectness to save me and become imperfect. Wow. Maybe Merlin was right and I had a complex. Still, it was… somehow heartwarming to understand that it had all been done to save me from my own outburst.

"Lance," I said, using a nickname and catching his attention. He couldn't help but smile at me. I gave a small grin in return. "Thanks."

"Are we on a nickname basis?" he teased. I frowned instantly.

"Definitely not. But if you keep talking like an idiot, we will be on a 'kicking Lancelot out of my trailer' basis," I assured him and walked to my mini-fridge. I knelt down to grab each of us a beer, still debating if I was even going to offer him one.

"Is he blind?"

"What?" I asked, standing up and nearly running my head into the overhead cabinet.

"The mystery guy who's changing you, is he blind?" Lancelot repeated. I frowned contemplatively over at my cousin.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked, parroting him from earlier. He must have noticed, because he let out a laugh and smirked.

"Only a lot," he said.

I couldn't begin to decide when I'd begun to feel comfortable around Lancelot, but if I had to chose, this moment would have been it. We both smiled at each other in that knowing way before we grabbed ourselves some beer and settled down on the couch to have a much overdo conversation. He told me all about meeting and courting to Guinevere and, after much alcohol and being possessed by some unknown crazy man, I allowed Lancelot to be privy to my relationship with Merlin… everything up until the kissing. I left out the kissing. I would trust Lancelot, but not that far. I had no idea how he'd react to information like that. His superstar cousin was gay and liked kissing some random guy he met in a bookstore? Hell, even I'd think I was crazy if I wasn't living it… and then sometimes I still did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview: Chapter 11 - Day Four:
> 
> I was pissed like a fire hydrant after a dog gets hold of it. I was burning like acid, the searing pain kind and the hallucinogen at the same time.
> 
> Four days ago, Merlin was regaling me with a tale from his childhood. Then, Merlin let off an activated, explosive mine.
> 
> "Listen," I began, "It's only a week. I can survive a week without you… I'm sure you could last months without me. It'll be fine.
> 
> Day one, two, three. I went to sleep feeling as though I'd forgotten to do something. My phone hadn't gone off for a txt message at all. Even I could tell how desperate and pathetic I sounded. If I were Morgana, I would hang up now.
> 
> "Now listen… listen closely, Arthur, because this is the most important part," she stressed.
> 
> "Morgana?" I asked softly.
> 
> "Yes, Arthur?"
> 
> "Is this how friends act?"


	11. Day Four

I was angry. No, that was too gentle. I was fuming. I was pissed like a cat being sprayed by a hose being held by a dog. I was livid like a humiliated and heartbroken woman with one too many shots of vodka and really persuasive friends. I was burning like acid, the searing pain kind and the hallucinogen at the same time.

Okay, so maybe I was overdoing it, but I was definitely not in the mood for the cheery ringback that was echoing over the phone into my ear as I waited for the line to pick up.

Maybe I'm ahead of myself. Let me back up.

Four days ago, I was my normal peppy self. Well, I was as peppy as Arthur Pendragon can ever be assumed to be. I was sitting in a restaurant on the boardwalk with Merlin, and we were enjoying possibly the best tasting calamari of my entire life. Merlin was regaling me with a tale from his childhood in which his mother saved up money for two months to pay for the transportation over to this city and then to pay for the calamari we were currently eating.

His mother lived in a rustic little town called Ealdor. It was one of those villages that survived the dark ages and was comprised mostly of farms and brand name stores that invaded the countryside. According to Merlin, his uncle lived somewhere in the city, but he'd had little chance to talk to him in the last two years. Busy schedules or something, he said. The point was, Merlin used to visit Camelot as a child to see his relatives... or erm… relative. His father was in the movie business like me, or he used to be. Balinor, Merlin called him, was a props master and second in line to be the lighting director. This meant his father got to be a big shot if the original director was out or got hurt or cancelled. Still, props master was a pretty good job. I'd met with several kinds of prop masters. Some would teach me stunts. Some warned me about the items I'd be using on set. Some, my favorite, taught me to sword fight. I briefly wondered if Merlin's father had ever worked on a movie with me.

Merlin recaptured my attention with a story about Will meeting his mother. Apparently they met Will just after Merlin's eye accident, which he still refused to tell me the details of. Will instantly offered to help Merlin find a job at the bookstore and help him keep it. According to Merlin, Will was a stuttering, rush of insistence that I would have paid money to see. Will was definitely into Merlin. Even if he was usually straight, this guy was aimed in a Merlin-sexual direction. Ever since that first meeting, Will has been Merlin's best friend. I withheld comments on Will's people skills and friend quality.

Then, in the midst of my laughter over an image of Will trying to convince Merlin's mother of his honesty and credibility, Merlin let off an activated, explosive mine. Mind you, it didn't explode immediately. Mines normally don't. Someone has to trip the alert for mines to blow.

"I'm leaving for a week." That was it right there. Four days later I would pick out that moment as when it all started. Merlin popped another fried squid into his mouth and waited for me to reply.

"A week? Where to?" I asked, trying to pretend I wasn't already coming up with possible reasons why he should stay.

"My mother wants me to visit… and my father's grandfather died, so his funeral is coming up," Merlin explained. Instantly all my arguments fell away. I couldn't be a dick and tell him not to go to that.

"You mean your great grandfather?" I asked.

"Yeah, but I wasn't really close to him. He liked to travel a lot, tell short stories, and disappear for a year with no communication between us. Still, he was my great grandfather. I have to honor him."

"Okay. Well, have fun I guess," I said, unsure exactly what I was supposed to say to that. Merlin sounded like… well, kinda like Lancelot when we spoke so traditionally. He had to 'honor' his grandfather by attending his funeral? It was definitely the kind of weird thing Lancelot would say…. Why did I never get to say things like that?

"I'll miss you," was the murmur I almost didn't catch over the sounds of crashing waves. I looked at Merlin across our food and tried to find some clue in his ever befuddling expression to prove to me that he'd actually spoken. He seemed to grow uncomfortable in the silence, and I took that as a good hint.

"Say 'ah'," I ordered, picking up a calamari.

Merlin did as he was told without fuss. I wondered if I could order him like that on a regular basis or if he would tell me to shove it. Anyway, I poked the little snack into his mouth. It must have shocked him, because he gasped and closed his mouth. That would have been merely cute, but he caught my finger in there. I pulled it out almost instantly, and nothing odd had happened because of it, and yet suddenly we both seemed stunned and unable to speak. For several moments, I couldn't remember why I'd done that, and then I jumped in remembrance.

"Listen," I began, "It's only a week. I can survive a week without you… I'm sure you could last months without me. It'll be fine. So let's just enjoy the last of this delicious food made out of weird animals and have some fun for the rest of the time we have until you have to leave."

Merlin looked like he wanted to make a comment, but I could visibly see him retract his statement and swallow it. A small, uneasy smile spread across his lips, and he nodded.

"Right," he said.

I started to get the hint that the missing comment had something to do with how long he could last without me. From that response, either he couldn't last without me, or he could probably leave me in a cardboard box on the street corner for some random stranger to take me home. I'd get rained on and nearly drown before the box would finally brake and I could escape … oh hang on. That's Oliver and Company.

I dropped Merlin off in front of a nice, but not expensive, house as I had for our last two dates. The first time, I'd asked if I could come in. However, Merlin had turned me down pretty quickly so I hadn't asked since. In a way, that in itself was pointing back to Lancelot's words on my changes. I was thinking back to that conversation a lot lately. Anyway, I watched Merlin until he was safely inside before I drove on home.

That's when the trouble started.

Day one dawned. I went to work as usual and found that flimsy blind costar had been converted into a decent actress during her period away for the broken wrist. She never looked directly at me while she acted, which was fine and actually rather good on her part. She'd straightened out most of her character till it was much more believable. I suspected the director had a chat with her after the incident where I snapped her wrist. Which I was totally, _completely_ sorry about… Well not really, but that's what I told her to keep her from suing me.

The day went smoothly. Shooting got farther than ever before in one day. My lunch break was filled with good looking interns and Lancelot. I got home and had dinner with both of my parents. Mordred said he was almost finished with the books we'd gotten him, which meant a trip to the bookstore, but he didn't directly ask to be taken. Somehow, that little psychic must have known Merlin was out of town and that I had no interest in going book shopping without the prospect of seeing him. I got this inference from the way his big eyes kept glancing over at me while he spoke.

I went to sleep feeling pretty good. My phone hadn't gone off once that day.

Day two dawned. I woke up and went to the studio. I wasn't in as many scenes and spent much of my time in my trailer. I read more on day two than I could ever remember reading in a single setting before in my life. I nearly finished that Inkheart book.

Lancelot came to eat lunch with me in my trailer, which was great and fine, but I still wasn't completely comfortable telling him my life story per say. He knew about as much as my father, maybe a little bit more, and that was all he was going to know for now. Lunch grew tedious.

I went home and watched my competition for stardom for an hour or so until I went down one floor to have dinner with my mother and brother. This was still very enjoyable. There was a lot of laughing and a semi-food fight I'd love to go into detail about, but in the effort of time I'll refrain.

I went to sleep feeling as though I'd forgotten to do something. My phone hadn't gone off for a txt message at all.

Day three. Okay, so this was definitely the worst of it. I went to work until one in the afternoon before I was given the day off to rest. They said I looked tired. I think they were full of shit. Regardless, I went home… where I rotted my brain out counting the odd shapes I could find in the makings of my ceiling and thinking about seafood.

Of course seafood made me think of Merlin which led me to think of our last outing together before he left. It had only been three days and I was already thinking about him as though I could just go pick him up for coffee.

My mind wandered. I thought of the way he'd closed his mouth on my finger by accident and the way his lips felt around my finger and how they felt on _my_ lips. Then my mind spiraled into thoughts and ideas and visions of Merlin's mouth. I tried to divert my concentration onto other things, but they all somehow managed to revert back to Merlin's lips.

Around four in the afternoon I decided it was time for a shower. As the water ran over my body, I winced at the cold I had stepped into before it grew warm. I focused on how to take a shower, forcing myself not to wonder about Merlin… and then I punched the wall so hard I cracked one of the tiles. I apparently had little control over my mind when it came to Merlin.

I ate dinner alone, which I was actually glad for, and went to bed early. Once again, my cell phone remained silent. I never thought I'd miss its ring so much.

So now it's day four, and I woke up mad. I had no work today. I had nowhere to be. I was left alone with myself, which seemed to be a bad thing these days. I checked my phone when I got up only to realize I was checking for messages from Merlin. I slammed the phone down on the desk and groaned at myself. I was pathetic about this.

As the minutes ticked by in my suite, my feelings festered. Annoyance and confusion for my own thoughts and actions. Annoyance at Merlin for leaving. Shock at myself. Distaste for the lack of things to distract myself with. Put that all together and let it simmer in my mind with all the hormones of a pregnant woman. I greeted the afternoon with a sizzling growl.

I was pissed like a fire hydrant after a dog gets hold of it. I was pissed like a college guy in a bar after failing his midterm. I was pissed… like Arthur Pendragon after realizing he's changed into a wussy who can't go four days without seeing some stupid blind bookie and is so bored he counts the waves in his morning Shredded Wheat!

How had I turned into this? I had become so dependent on Merlin to fill my free hours that I was flailing without him. Why was Merlin not here to entertain me and keep me company?! Why was he not here to insult my taste in coffee and compliment my acting and hate my attitude but love my presence?! And why couldn't I distract myself from all of that?

No. I HAD to distract myself. More than that, I had to find something new to entertain me during the days.

I wasn't going to stand for this! I was Arthur Pendragon, god damn it! I didn't have to sit here alone! I could call up a friend of mine and go DO something with the day! I flipped open my phone to scroll through the contacts and see who I could call for a fun time.

Oh…

* * *

I found myself torn between emotions when the cheery ring-back began. The Beatles 'It Won't Be Long' was not my idea of a good ring-back. I was starting to regret my decision to call when the line finally picked up.

"Arthur?" Morgana's voice asked in wild confusion. "You never call me. Did you need something?"

"Heh. Yeah. About that… You see, Merlin's out of town for the week, and I don't have any work to do…. So I thought I'd call some friends of mine and chat for a bit or at least set up a place to hang out later on in the week…. And uh… well that's when I noticed I don't have any friends! Heh. Heh heh," I paused here, half expecting her to begin to laugh at me too. When she didn't, I took a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair. "I mean, we've known each other for years, right, but we're still not friends! My only 'friend' is out of town and my next closest 'friend' hates me… but I figured you didn't hate me enough to hang up on me so I called. Also,… well, I know I can be a real prat at times, but could we… possibly… just for the next five minutes or so, act like we're friends?"

Even I could tell how desperate and pathetic I sounded. If I were Morgana, I would hang up now. I was actually laughing on the inside at just how miserable I was. I rubbed my eyes and let out another sour laugh.

"I'm really pathetic," I teased myself. Morgana's voice sighed over the phone.

"Oh Arthur," she said, and though she seemed partially annoyed, there was an overwhelming caring tone in there. I almost felt my chest burst in response. "I'm free right now. Go on and tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong," I countered, feeling defensive. "Not having friends isn't a bad thing."

"No. It just makes you want to cry when, all at once, you're lonely," Morgana replied bitterly. "Stop being a prude and talk to me."

Cry? I paused a moment to think on that. She was right. My eyes were beginning to feel that obnoxious burn. I pressed at them again even though I didn't think they were going to fall.

I took a deep breath. Morgana and I had never had a deep conversation, but it seemed I was about to spill my heart out to her over the receiver, even more than I'd spilled it for Lancelot. I gripped the phone tightly and nodded to no one. Then I began to talk. I told her about meeting Merlin and the impossible desire to grab his attention because he was blind. I told her about the beach and the sounds it made. I told her how it made me feel and about the CD I'd purchased for both Merlin and myself.

I told her about how I spent every week planning on how to surprise him when I visited and how my new movie made me angry because my costar couldn't act blind to save her life at first. I told her everything. For the next hour, I rambled to her until my throat and mouth became dry. I told her about how he was my only friend and about the day he'd told me that's what we were and the day I'd realized it myself. I even told her about Paris and the force of my desire to kiss Merlin. For some reason, maybe because she was a woman, I even went so far as to talk about the actual kissing. In the end, I told her about him leaving to visit his mother and felt my eyes stinging.

By the end of the hour, my mouth was dry… and my cheeks were hot. How had I managed to live this long without realizing how pathetic I was? How had I disillusioned myself about the need for friends? I leaned my head into my hand and pushed my hair back from my face. It hurt my head, feeling all of this emotion. I leaned my forehead against the table to feel its cool surface. If this was change, I didn't want it. It pained me.

"Arthur," Morgana's voice seemed almost too sweet. "Why did you do this over the phone? It's so much easier to comfort someone in person," she scolded gently. "But don't worry. We're friends too, Arthur. Only a friend could listen to the great Arthur Pendragon whine over being friendless and not laugh at him."

I snorted. She was laughing… in her own way. She gave a sad giggle and then sighed.

"Arthur, really… I _am_ your friend. I know we argue a lot, but we have a lot in common, and we have trust. If we didn't, we couldn't tease each other like we do. We have to trust that the other won't become so angry that shooting halts or ruins our lives. Understand?" she said.

"Yeah… Yes, I understand," I replied, a bit of my normal edge returning to my tone. "Christ, I never thought I'd see the day when we decided to be friends." Even after knowing each other most of our lives, I'd hardly seen this coming.

"Miracles do happen, I'm told. And yet fairies…," she began. I cut her off.

"Oh don't even say they don't exist," I laughed.

My eyes widened, and I froze. I… _laughed_? I could hear Morgana triumphantly laughing on the other end of the line. How? How had she done that? I was reeling in the emotion of realizing I was pathetic, and she says two words and I'm laughing?

"Morgana?" I asked softly. Her laughter turned into quiet giggles.

"Yes, Arthur?"

"Is this how friends act?" I asked. This wasn't quite how Merlin and I interacted. Maybe it was because he was male and she was female.

"Yes. Yes, Arthur. Friends make you smile even when you're sad. Friends tell you the truth and what you need to hear. Friends can be cruel and they can be saviors," she said and sounded both wise and corny. "We are definitely friends, Arthur… especially since I'm about to tell you the biggest truth of your life, and, trust me, I'm shocked about it too."

"Say what?" I asked, still resting my head on the table. My eyes were shut, enjoying the chill that ran through my body from the contact.

"Now listen… listen closely, Arthur, because this is the most important part," she stressed, her voice becoming more serious than caring.

"Will you just tell me?" I half barked, curious and annoyed with her presentation.

"You're in love," Morgana stated. I narrowed my eyes and clenched the phone… but the idea didn't taste as sour as it probably should have, no matter how much I thought it should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview: Chapter 12 – Feeling Gay
> 
> I think I can honestly say I have never spent more time with Morgana. The scary part? I was getting really into it. We each pointed out shirts and pants and full body ensembles. Then we'd debate the good and bad of them.
> 
> "He's not my boyfriend," I grunted. "We're just friends."
> 
> "Right."
> 
> 'I missed you too.' Since it was just text, I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not.
> 
> "Well then why are you dressed so… handsomely?"
> 
> "First, I thank you for the compliment. Second, I'm going to see a friend."
> 
> "The anti-alcohol actress or the virgin male?"
> 
> "Mom!"
> 
> I smiled a little and looked down at my feet. To think, only a little over a month and a half ago my thoughts would have been completely opposite. That's the train whistle sounded and the bright green engine pulled into the station. Only I didn't see him anywhere in the crowd. Plenty of men, but no Merlin.
> 
> 'How have you been?'


	12. Feeling Gay

I think I can honestly say I have never spent more time with Morgana. She took me shopping with her on day five. While I helped her pick out clothes, she was apparently psychoanalyzing me. She wanted to know everything about Merlin, the ins and outs that I knew. Sometimes the questions were very general, sometimes they were very specific. However, when she asked me something too personal, for instance "So have you ever thought about grabbing him inappropriately?" I usually answered like so "So have you ever noticed that dress makes you look frumpy and fat?"

Morgana had mood swings too. She was constantly bouncing between enjoying our shopping day and threatening to leave me to my own devices. I wasn't sure which one I would prefer. Still, talking to her seemed to really help me sort out my thoughts.

By noon, we had somehow switched from buying _her_ clothes to buying _me_ clothes. The scary part? I was getting really into it. We each pointed out shirts and pants and full body ensembles. Then we'd debate the good and bad of them, and, if they passed the test, I would try them on. Morgana continued to remark that I could pull off any outfit, including a shopping bag or a pillowcase like Dobby in Harry Potter.

About three, we headed to a hair salon so Morgana could pick up some shampoo, only she ended up having tricked me into going. I knew it was a trick because I was somehow scheduled in for an appointment in the nail salon next door at three. I definitely hadn't scheduled it, so it had to be Morgana.

Anyway, she bullied and forced me into it. I was sitting down getting a… a… good lord, I was getting a mani-pedi. I'd never felt so… gay in my entire life.

"Oh!" the nail lady and Morgana kept exclaiming, "but men come here all the time! It's great for blood circulation!"

Well I didn't give a flying fart in space. I just hoped no paparazzi had noticed us and come to follow us in here. I was only doing this because one of Morgana's pleas had said she'd already paid for it. I didn't know if that was possible, but I went along with it just in case.

"Listen, Morgana. I know you're trying to make me feel like we're best friends, but is this really necessary?" I asked.

"Of course," she retorted like it was obvious. She leaned back in her little massaging chair and closed her eyes. "If I didn't drag you into this, you'd be left alone to wallow in your loneliness without your boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend," I grunted. "We're just friends."

"Right. That's why you always want to 'snog him into the wall' whenever you see him, right?" she asked. I could tell it was rhetorical. "Look, you're dating him. You go out together, alone, and have lunch or dinner. You've bought him two gifts – that CD and a bracelet from Paris. You kiss each other, on the lips, all the time. How much more do you want before you evolve it from a crush into a couple in your head?"

I leaned back in my chair and said nothing. She had a point. Were Merlin and I to the point where we were considered a couple? The thought had crossed my mind before but…

"Dear God," Morgana breathed out. I looked over and noticed she was watching me. "You don't know how to be in a relationship do you?" I felt my face heat up and I glowered at her.

"Look, it's not my fault. I've just never been in a relationship that lasted more than three days or wasn't on screen," I defended. Morgana shook her head.

"Oh don't apologize. Listen, I'll try to help you out. We can keep it a secret between the two of us. Your parents never have to know, especially your father. They can stay in the dark until you can handle it yourself. Watch. They'll be so proud of the man you become right in front of them," Morgana said, her face and voice made of pride, expectations, and some strange sort of independent wisdom.

"Right. You're my coach? We'll see how long _this_ can last," I sneered. Morgana flicked water over at me from her foot tub thing. It didn't reach me, but it had been a very valiant effort. I couldn't help myself, though. I started laughing at her.

* * *

Understand the situation. Two a.m., pitch black in the room. I'm sound asleep, dreaming of nothing in particular – or nothing I can remember. It's a good night. The sounds of the city aren't loud tonight, and I'm too high up to hear the sounds that still prevail in the dark. I'm alone in my home. A little light comes on, originating from my bedside table. Then the object begins to vibrate.

You can imagine how much I enjoy my beauty sleep, so when my phone started to move… well let's just say I was about to answer the phone with the best curse I could think of. I snatched the phone off the night stand, grumbling and groaning as I rolled over in bed. I reached over and clicked on my lamp so I wouldn't burn my eyes out looking at my phone's screen.

'New Txt Message

From: Merlin'

Okay so maybe I wouldn't be sending back a nasty message, but I was still tired so I couldn't feel nearly as much joy as I probably would have had I been awake. I flipped the phone open and looked at the message.

'Hey. Sorry I haven't called or anything. My phone died on the ride over, and I forgot my charger.'

My fingers move instinctively to a reply message.

'That explains it. I was starting to wonder. At first, I thought you had managed to get yourself killed on the way over there.'

I set the phone back on my side table and rolled over to return to sleep. I didn't even turn off the light. Sadly, I had barely closed my eyes when the phone went off again. I was almost annoyed now. Sure I wanted to hear from Merlin, but I wanted to sleep too!

'Ha ha. I missed you too.' Since it was just text, I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

'When will you be back?' So I decided not to respond to what he said, just to be on the safe side.

'I will be on the train in the morning. It's scheduled to arrive at 3 pm tomorrow.'

'See you soon then.'

I thought that was where the conversation was going to end. Honestly, Ealdor wasn't that far away. He must have been aware of the time, right? Wrong. Apparently being blind also meant you couldn't tell time, because it didn't take Merlin long to set my phone off again with another message.

'How have you been?'

'Fine. Bored but stable. I told you I could last a week without you,' I lied through txting. If he'd been face to face with me, he probably could've picked out my lie easily. Merlin had a way of listening to my voice and noticing changes in it that I had never known about. It made me try really hard to lie fluently around him, though usually I failed.

'Oh. I've been good too, but I'm feeling miserable, because everyone around me is depressed. Still, it was nice seeing family.'

'I'll cheer you up, no problem,' I assured him. I could feel my aching need to sleep slowly ebbing away from my prolonged consciousness and the fact that I actually had to use my brain to formulate replies.

'I look forward to it.'

I smiled a little. 'Hey, Merlin, guess what.'

'What?'

'I'm starting to miss you.'

'Me too.'

* * *

I slept-in for three hours that morning. Then I jumped up and starting grooming myself to look my best. I went through my entire closet to decide on something to wear and found myself feeling like a gay guy again. Since when did I put so much thought into my outfits and matching and looking 'fabulous'? Damn, the guy I was going to see wouldn't even notice it! He was blind! And yet here I was, holding clothes up in front of me while I looked in the mirror and tried to decide what looked best on me. I truly had never felt so gay… or so nervous.

I finally decided on a pair of roughed up Levi's, who had given me plenty of pants because it was advertisement for them, and a short sleeved, crimson red t-shirt. It had an abstract design on it that symbolized nothing in particular. After gauging the look in the mirror, I pulled on a black leather jacket that somehow looked really amazing with the rest of my outfit. Oh okay, I'm lying. I definitely knew it was going to look hot which is why I pulled it on to look in the first place.

Satisfied with my outfit, I focused on my hair. Girls never quite realize how much work goes into keeping hair like mine looking as great as it does. It's a practiced art, ladies. Guys don't just wake up and walk out. We actually put some work into our hairdos… or… at least me and every bisexual and gay man. I also took this opportunity to shave.

By the time I was done preparing my looks, I had completely passed any chance of making it to 'breakfast'. I threw on some deodorant and some of my personal brand of cologne before skittering out to catch the elevator. Down in my parent's house, I found my mother just setting down some shopping bags. They were filled to the brims with objects I couldn't begin to imagine her needing.

"Mum, did you get a new hobby?" I asked, walking over to inspect. She jumped, realizing I was there, and laughed.

"What? No. These are things we need for my new charity drive happening next Friday," she said. "Do you want to help me make some banners for it?"

"Um, no thanks, Mum. I was just coming to see if you were going to have lunch. I missed breakfast," I said truthfully.

Of course, hearing I hadn't yet eaten sent my mother off on a frenzy. She nearly dragged me into the kitchen to feed her 'poor starving child'. Honestly, sometimes I thought her brain was misfiring and making her think I was one of her charity orphans or homeless children.

Over scrambled eggs and a French dish I couldn't pronounce and had never eaten before, I caught up with my mother. I told her about the actress I'd wounded and Lancelot breaking the stage. I explained my honest awe at how easy it was to tell Lancelot how I felt about him at any given moment after holding it in for nearly twenty years. Of course, my mother was ecstatic to hear I was moving on from my 'little' jealousy issue, but she did give me a scolding for how I treated a woman who was 'just trying her best to act the part'. I couldn't tell if Mum was on my side or not by the end of everything.

When I finished talking about work and my evolving personal life with the cousin I used to despise, my mother finally noticed my appearance. She squinted at me as though she was seeing me through a fog.

"Arthur, are you… are you going clubbing or something today?" she asked. I snorted.

"Honestly, what is the point of going clubbing, Mum? Stars only go clubbing to be stupid with friends or stupid with themselves. Since my only friend is an alcohol-phobic actress and a man whose closest drink to an alcoholic beverage is a virgin daiquiri, I think I'll be staying away from the clubs. Besides, I'm not in the habit of being stupid… in the public eye," I replied smartly.

"Okay, okay. Down boy," my mother said as she rolled her eyes. I glared defiantly at her for the dog reference. "Well then why are you dressed so… handsomely?"

"First, I thank you for the compliment. Second, I'm going to see a friend."

"The anti-alcohol actress or the virgin male?" she asked. She grinned like she'd just told the best joke in the world and was waiting for me to catch it. Trust me, it wasn't hard to catch.

"Mum!" I exclaimed, a smile breaking over my face. I scrutinized her with awe and admiration. "That was almost a dirty joke! I expect _clean_ things from you, young lady. And, not that it matters or anything, but I'm going to see the virgin."

"Well isn't he the lucky guy. You don't look this good for most women! I'm sure he'll tell you you're gorgeous – oh, I mean… is he a friend or a .. a _friend_?" she asked, stressing the second friend.

"It's been recently brought to my attention that he hasn't been just a friend for a few weeks," I said, to which she clapped but otherwise held in her apparent joy. "But all the same, I don't think he'll make any comment either way on my looks."

"What?" Her face fell like a child who had just been told we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas this year… Speaking of which, that was only a few weeks away. "Why wouldn't he say anything? My son, the most handsome man in Europe, has cleaned himself up so brilliantly for him!"

I laughed.

"Cause he's blind, Mum." She seemed so stunned that I laughed again, harder. When I calmed, she was still looking confused. "He's the bookie that showed Mordred the young adult books. He's blind as a rock, but he's brilliant."

"My son fell for someone who didn't stare at him or worship the ground he walked on…," she murmured out, her fingers coming up to rest on her chin in a classic thinking position. She smiled a little. "I always knew this day would come, and I told your father it wouldn't happen with one of those prissy actresses or fans. I knew it… Oh, is this the person you bought that CD for?"

"Yep."

"That explains why you bought the CD full of nature sounds. I was wondering what kind of person you'd think of by hearing the ocean," she mused on. She was having fun with this, putting all the little pieces together. I was having fun watching.

"He likes walking at the pier and listening to the activity there."

"And when you were on that cleaning spree…?"

"I'd just made out with him for the first time the day before," I answered matter-of-factly. My mother seemed most surprised by this answer and took a moment to think about it. Then she nodded.

"You will have to bring him by the house so your father and I can meet him, of course," she said.

"Father has already met him. When I got back from Paris, I went to see him to kiss him for the first time, and father walked in on us just before I had the chance. I introduced them, and Father seemed a little off-put by Merlin's blindness. Father left after that and then I spent the rest of my visit kissing Merlin," I explained.

"Oh, well that makes matters simpler,… I think. Does anyone else know about… Merlin, you said?"

"Lancelot knows everything except the crush… relationship, kissing stuff. Morgana knows everything. Father knows almost nothing. Mordred, I think he knows everything but I didn't tell him anything. And then there's you," I said. As I spoke, I realized Mordred wasn't there. "Where is my miniature telepath anyway?"

"He went to work with your father. He told him it was take your son to work day, but I checked. That's not till Mid-April."

"Mum, only you would think to look that up," I teased. She blushed a little.

"When do you go to meet Merlin?" she asked to move the subject away from herself.

"His train arrives at three, unless it gets delayed or something."

"Well then you best stop talking and eat. By the time I'm done with you, those trousers may not fit anymore." I knew she was joking, but I still glanced warily down at my waistline.

* * *

The train station platform was something I'd never experienced before. There was a line you weren't allowed to pass unless you were boarding or exiting the trains. I had to stay behind this line while I waited, so I chose a spot on the wall and leaned. I wasn't wearing my beanie or my sunglasses, but no one took a second glance at me. I was watching the people as I waited, and no one seemed to notice me standing there. I was just another face in the crowd, an average Joe waiting for the train. Okay, so I'd slipped a hat on, a ball cap, but that didn't exactly 'mask my true identity' or anything.

Still, it was best if the people here didn't notice who I was. I didn't want to turn this into something about me. I wanted to greet Merlin and hug him until he couldn't breathe. I wanted this time to be about him, and I didn't want to bring fans and paparazzi and press in on the moment.

I smiled a little and looked down at my feet. To think, only a little over a month and a half ago my thoughts would have been completely opposite. I'd have wanted everyone to know who I was. I'd have thought Merlin would love the attention too and thanked me for putting him in the spotlight even if it made him miserable. I really wouldn't have been dressed nice and waiting for a guy to get off a train. I wouldn't have let Morgana drag me in to get my nails properly sized and cleaned and my hand massaged. I wouldn't have let her take me shopping all over the fashion hub of Camelot. I wouldn't have done a lot of the things I'd done recently. So much wouldn't have happened… I was infinitely glad I'd met Merlin and followed the spark that led me to this place.

I was starting to love who I'd become, and I was becoming shocked at who I used to be. I loved the new me almost as much as I… as I loved Merlin. This was all thanks to Merlin, and my new-found feelings were nothing in comparison to how much I owed him… but something told me Merlin would not only disagree, he'd think it was too much.

That's when the train whistle sounded and the bright green engine pulled into the station. I mentally wondered why they'd picked green, though it didn't truly matter. When the doors finally opened, hundreds of people poured off the train. After about twenty people had passed each general area, the new passengers started to form odd lines to make their ways to the train. It must have been some odd train-station manners I didn't understand. Maybe I should ask Merlin…

Only I didn't see him anywhere in the crowd. I walked closer to the drawn line and scoured the disembarking people. Plenty of men, but no Merlin. I was starting to think he'd missed the train, and that's when I saw the stick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview: Chapter 13 – Secret Search Party
> 
> "You have no idea how much I missed you," he said.
> 
> Merlin told me about his family and the funeral. He said the two sides of the family stood on opposite sides of the grave during the actual burial. There were lots of tears.
> 
> "Are you okay?" I asked.
> 
> "He wasn't there," Merlin finally said. "I thought he'd be there, but he didn't show."
> 
> I was the most epically ineloquent speaker in the history of boyfriends! I said nothing. I just watched him. The other patrons and workers around us bustled and made noise, completely unaware of the drama taking place and the moment we were having.
> 
> "Oh, Arthur, there you are," my mother spoke cheerfully. "This is Balinor Emrys."
> 
> Had Balinor hurt Merlin? I grit my teeth.
> 
> "Welcome home."


	13. Secret Search Party

The platform was crowded with people, tens of hundreds of them tumbling off or piling on the train. Amidst the chaos of people, I searched and scoured for the one person I was looking for. Still, as the seconds ticked by, I saw no Merlin. Plenty of men were moving around the station, but no Merlin. And that's when I saw the stick.

I saw it hit the stairs to board the train. Then I saw it hit the ground. It was Merlin… with a walking stick. I'd never seen him with one before. He'd never needed one before. Sometimes I forgot he couldn't see until he stumbled… but there was no way to mistake that he was blind now. The way he walked cautiously across the platform, making his way to the exit to find his way home, feeling out the space in front of him with the cane as he went to make sure he didn't run into anyone or anything, it was obvious his sight was gone.

I didn't like it. He seemed more helpless this way, like anyone could just run up and steal the bag he had hooked over his shoulder, like anyone could kick his cane and knock him to the ground like a cripple. It wasn't that I just didn't like it, I hated it. I never wanted him to need that stick again. I wanted him to walk free like he normally did…. I wanted to be his walking cane. I wanted to be his eyes. I wanted to be the one to keep him safe and catch him when he stumbled. I wanted him to use me to see and keep him safe… I didn't want him to use that cane.

As soon as Merlin passed the boarding line, I rushed over to him. I wrapped my arms around him and lifted him from the platform an inch before I set him down, but I did not let go. I buried my face in his shoulder. Merlin was so shocked that he actually dropped his walking stick. He gasped, but I didn't let him speak.

"Okay, I lied. I missed you even before you left," I said honestly. Merlin instantly relaxed at my voice. His arms just about snapped around me, holding me close. It was loud in the station, but even if I couldn't hear it, I could still feel the deep breath he took in, leaning his head down on my shoulder too.

"You jerk, you're not wearing the whistle. You nearly gave me a heart attack," he scolded.

"Then I win. I finally surprised you."

"You're such a baby."

"Sore loser."

"Prat."

I didn't respond. I took a deep breath and smiled. Only Heaven knew how much I'd missed him… and maybe Morgana. I picked him up and moved him around till I was facing the exit. I set him down and pulled back. His cane was partially on my foot. I half glared at it but kicked it up into my hands anyway. The hollow sound of it made me hate it even more. Merlin recognized the sound.

"Can I have my walking stick back?" he asked. I wanted to say no, but I handed it over.

"I'd rather burn it," I answered. Merlin snickered.

"You have no idea how much I missed you," he said, setting the end of the cane on the ground and looking rather stylish about it.

"Welcome home."

* * *

I took Merlin to a play, like to an actual theater. It was his idea. He said he couldn't see it, but he could hear the words and the actions… besides, just because he was blind didn't mean he didn't like shows, after all, he'd seen all my movies, hadn't he?

"I was a big movie and theater fan before I lost my sight. After the accident, I thought I'd hate all of it, but it turned out that I still loved it, maybe even more than before," he'd said.

So we sat through a Shakespeare play, Othello, and then went out for dinner. I got to choose our destination this time, so I picked a rather fancy Italian place that my mother and I loved. I made Merlin leave his stupid stick in the car. Maybe if I could make him forget to take it home, I could make it magically disappear.

Merlin told me about his family and the funeral. Apparently the family wasn't very big, but they also weren't very close. He said the two sides of the family argued for the entire viewing, became civil during the eulogy, and then stood on opposite sides of the grave during the actual burial. There were lots of tears. At the mention of these sad emotions, Merlin became really quiet. He moved his straw around his glass and stared down at the table.

"Are you okay?" I asked. He seemed generally upset. At first he didn't answer me. That stabbed at my annoyance center, but I held that back. I didn't need to be like that with Merlin. I took a breath, ready to ask again.

"He wasn't there," Merlin finally said.

"Who wasn't there?" I asked, subconsciously leaning closer as if that would reveal the answer.

"My father." Merlin's voice was quiet, almost sad. "I thought he'd be there, but he didn't show."

"What, you never even saw him at the house?" I asked, surprised. His father was a props master, but he should still have time to go to a funeral or at least go home.

"My father hasn't lived with my mother for… almost six years," Merlin murmured. "He left after the accident… something about being a danger to his own son. He never told me directly. I had to listen in through the door while he spoke with my mother. Then one day he went off to work and… never came back. Mum doesn't like to talk about it, so I don't even know if he's still in show business or turned into a hermit or something."

"Ah." Yep. After all my growth as a person and all my emotions coming out, and all my feelings for Merlin, I came out with 'ah' in response to his depressing family history. Yep. I was officially the biggest loser on the planet, the entire planet – not just in Camelot. I was the most epically ineloquent speaker in the history of boyfriends!

Oh… Well that was new. At the thought 'boyfriends', my chest gave off this odd hop feeling that made me want to smile a little. I held it in for the sake of the conversation.

"Yeah… He wasn't there. It was his grandfather who died, but he didn't show. Mum didn't say anything, but I'm sure she noticed too. I was hoping to see him again after so long… well, not literally, but you know what I mean," Merlin said, a bit of a joking tone entering his voice at the end.

I said nothing. I just watched him. The other patrons and workers around us bustled and made noise, completely unaware of the drama taking place and the moment we were having. I heard every noise as though it was right beside me and trying to pull my thoughts off track. My eyes stayed trained on Merlin, trying to figure out what to say to make him smile again. Nothing I was hearing from the restaurant was going to help or give me inspiration.

"Well maybe I can help," I decided to say. Merlin looked over at me curiously, his creased in confusion eyebrows saying everything he wanted to convey. "I'm in the movie business, remember? If your father is still working the sets, I'll see if I can find him for you. Would that make you drop the frown?"

I can't exactly describe how he replied. It was… it was like I'd given him water in the middle of a drought, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, like the lights had come back on after a blackout. He didn't exactly beam or shine or give me a huge smile, but I knew… I could somehow tell he was really happy at the idea of me finding his father.

"Thank you, Arthur," he said. "Really. Thank you so much."

"Right. Yeah. Look, let's just eat and we'll talk payment later, okay?" I teased, flicking a complimentary mint over at him. It hit him on the cheek and he flinched. Then he smiled.

"Hey!" he complained. He couldn't exactly retaliate. He wouldn't be able to see what he was going to throw, much less where to aim. Instead he retrieved my weapon from where it had landed in his lap and he ate it. "Now stop. I don't like mints."

"What? But you're-!" I began. Then I stopped and just laughed. Sometimes Merlin made absolutely no sense to me, and yet those times just made him exasperatingly funny…. or was it fun? I always did get those mixed up.

And, as was my luck, when the waiter came to serve us our appetizer, he surprised me so much I choked on my laughter and nearly fell out of my chair. Needless to say, I was embarrassed, and it was Merlin's turn to laugh.

* * *

'What are you doing right now?'

I closed my mobile without answering the message. As I slipped the mobile back into the pocket of my jacket, I stepped into an open meeting room. The room was wide and spacious, but empty to a fault. Across the room from the entrance, where I was, were two people having what appeared to be a lovely conversation. One was my mother, beautiful and glorious as she was in a simple blue dress. The other was a man nearly two heads taller with thick dark hair and a full beard. He wore clothes I determined to be between formal work wear and street casual. He wore worn Converse sneakers in black, which made me smile a bit. Merlin wore the same shoes, only not as worn down.

When I entered the room, both of them broke from their conversation to look at me. The man had been laughing, but when he saw me he instantly stopped.

"Oh, Arthur, there you are," my mother spoke cheerfully. "I need to introduce you. You probably don't remember this man. You were rather young last time you met him face to face. This is Balinor Emrys. He's a props master and is working with me for my next movie."

She was explaining things for the fun of it. I already knew who he was. I was the one who asked her to find him. He just happened to be working on my mum's next big project. If that wasn't some sort of fate, I didn't know what was. Balinor did not look altogether pleased to see me. Actually, that may be an understatement.

"It's a pleasure, Mr. Emrys. Sorry. I don't remember your face," I said, bowing slightly to the older male. That had been the only piece of my mother's introduction that I hadn't expected. I'd met this man before? He didn't look familiar. Then again, I didn't usually pay attention to stage hands.

"I wouldn't expect you to. You were always a busy brat," Balinor replied. Then he cleared his throat and looked at my mother. "I mean no offense."

Well that was rude. He insulted me and apologized to my mother. How could this man possibly be related to Merlin? They didn't even look the same! Okay, so maybe I could pick out the hair color and the texture, and maybe if I squinted they had similar noses and facial structures, but under all of this man's hair it was hard to tell.

"None taken, I'm sure. Arthur doesn't hold grudges easily these days, isn't that right?" and mother looked to me. I straightened up and nodded a bit.

"So it would seem," I answered gruffly. I wanted to hold a huge grudge against Balinor. Only Merlin had ever been so rude to me from the start. Oops. Maybe they _were_ related after all.

"I guess love changes a person. Anyway, Balinor, I'll see you later. Arthur, I'm making your favorite dinner tonight, so don't be late," Mother explained. She winked at me as she walked past and then the door closed with a resounding thud. It sounded like doom.

The room was quiet for quite a while. Balinor seemed in no mood to talk to me, and yet he seemed to know I wanted to talk. He made no move for the door, probably anticipating that I would block it. I promised Merlin I would find his reclusive father if he was still in show business, and so I had. Now I had to get him to go see Merlin. I debated how to begin while the intensity of his stare made the walls fold in on us and crush me in the emptiness of the room.

"Love?" Balinor broke the silence after all. The room seemed to spring back to its original form.

"Hm?"

"Mrs. Igraine said you don't hold grudges easily anymore because you're in love. Sorry. I'm just shocked to hear it. I haven't heard the reporters buzzing about any new relationships in any of the Pendragon's lives, much less yours. I wasn't aware you still had a heart," he explained. My face fell into a hard frown.

"Yes. Sorry to burst your stone cold bubble, but it's true. I am with someone at the moment, but I'm keeping it quiet. I didn't think they'd enjoy the spotlight. Besides, it's hard to find a couple in the limelight that isn't suffering. I figured the relationship might last longer if I didn't show it off," I retorted, my tone becoming rough.

"That's quite a shocker too. You care what someone else thinks now? This must be some serious love to whip you into being so kind and well-mannered. It's funny. I'm not used to hearing such things about _you_." I could actually tell he was picking at me on purpose. This wasn't just distaste.

Balinor _hated_ me.

I blinked and changed my expression into one of confusion. Balinor blatantly hated me, and for once I had no clue as to why. Balinor noticed my change. He fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Sorry. I know this must seem odd for you… but I'm confused. Listen, I didn't come here to fight. I just wanted to see if I could convince you to accompany me to meet someone," I said, shaking my head lightly. Maybe I'd ask later why he had such a strong distaste for me. Right now, I had business to take care of.

"Someone? Why me? You didn't even know I was here until you walked in," Balinor couldn't get that tone out of his voice.

"Well in a way, it's my fault you are here. I sent out a hush hush search party for you," I revealed, pressing a finger to my lips conspiratorially.

"If you don't tell me why in the next thirty seconds, I'm walking out that door," Balinor threatened.

 _I'd like to see you try_ , I wanted to say but kept it inside. Instead I nodded and dropped my hand to my waist.

"Well, you see, my boyfriend went home for a week to visit his family, and when he got back he expressed a desire to see you - though now that I've formally met you, I can't imagine why," I said. "But I told him I'd find you if you still had your old job. Lucky me, you did. Now do you want to come see him or not?"

"You're… boyfriend?" Balinor spoke slowly, inching toward me and the door. He dragged his hand from one chair to another as he went. He was seeming more like Merlin the longer I stayed in the same room as him.

"Yes. But if the press gets hold of anything I've told you in this room, I'll make your life a living hell for every time a journalist asks me about it or a paparazzi parade keeps me from seeing him or even going outside. Yes or no, Balinor?" I asked, getting slightly annoyed with his antics.

Balinor crossed the entirety of the room until he was standing before me. To my surprise, he was nearly a foot taller than Merlin. Damn. Now I knew where Merlin got it all. I looked up into the other male's eyes defiantly, not about to let him push me around like a child.

"Who is your boyfriend?" and his voice almost sounded worried. That was silly though. Why would knowing that his son was dating me make any…. Oh. Was Balinor one of those parents? He didn't accept Merlin? No wonder he didn't come to the funeral. Did Merlin's eye accident have something to do with his coming out about liking guys?

' _He left after the accident… something about being a danger to his own son.'_

Had Balinor hurt Merlin? I grit my teeth. If this guy was the reason Merlin was blind, I'd have to fight the instinct to punch him in the face. On one hand, it was in the past and if not for Merlin's blindness, I probably never would have given him a second glance. On the other hand, Merlin had been injured to the point of losing his eyes forever. If Merlin ever finally told me how it happened, I'd definitely have some unresolved issues with the person responsible.

"Tell me, Pendragon! Who is your boyfriend?" Balinor's raised voice ripped me from my thoughts. I steadied myself and held his gaze, now almost too close for comfort.

"Your son, Merlin Emrys is my boyfriend," I answered clearly and decisively.

Balinor's eyes widened in fearful shock. Then disbelief and worry replaced it. He clenched his hands tighter than I'd imagined he could without breaking the skin. Then his fist came up and caught me in the jaw, sending me tumbling into the table. I gripped it for support and flipped to face Balinor again. I was about to start shouting angry curses at him when he beat me to the chase.

"No! I won't allow it, you hear? My son will have nothing to do with a Pendragon, especially Arthur Pendragon. Do you hear?! I will tell him myself! You don't get to play with people like this, young man. I'm putting a stop to this," he declared loudly but not so loud as to draw passer-by attention. Then he got right up in my face and pointed at me. "Stay away from my son."

Then, before I could get out more than an annoyed 'hey', he was gone. The door sounded like the slam of a door in a prison. What had that been all about? I hadn't done anything to deserve being punched, at least nothing to him, and I definitely hadn't done anything to deserve being separated from Merlin. If nothing else, I had been gracious and loving to Merlin!

I pulled out my mobile so I could warn Merlin that his father was on the way. I hissed and felt my cheek. It was already becoming sore. God damn. What had that been all about?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14 Preview: The Corner of Your Heart
> 
> "My father did this to you." It wasn't a question. He knew.
> 
> "Unless you know another Pendragon hating man named Balinor."
> 
> I felt a sting in my chest. "That's it isn't it? This whole time has been a lie, hasn't it? Have you enjoyed watching me obsess over you and pour my horrible heart out to you?!"
> 
> "Arthur, stop it!" Merlin yelled. I stumbled back in fear. "This isn't a trick, and you know it!"
> 
> "Do I?" I snapped back.
> 
> "Okay. I'll tell you about the accident. I'll tell you everything."
> 
> I was childish to the end, I suppose.


	14. The Corner of Your Heart

I hissed in pain. Merlin ripped his fingers away from my face as though he'd been the one to feel the sting. He covered his own mouth and his eyebrows narrowed in confusion and concern.

"What happened to you?" he asked. I tenderly placed my own fingers over the bruise forming on my jaw. It was sore even for me to touch it, and I know how much pressure it would take to hurt.

"A crazy props master slapped me with his fist," I answered gruffly. I pressed my lips together, but that made my jaw hurt too, so I stopped. "It's no big deal. It'll go away."

"But it must be visible. Can the make-up department hide it or will you have to postpone shooting?" Merlin asked, reaching forward as if to check it again and then rethinking it and pulling his hands tightly to his sides.

"I can hide it myself, so they should be more than capable. I told you, it's no big deal," I assured, flicking him in the forehead. He flinched back, not expecting it.

He rubbed his forehead and frowned, obviously still concerned about me getting punched in the face. I could see the gears turning in his head as he thought over everything I said and probably wondered what I could've done to piss off a props master. If he figured that one out, I'd like to hear his theories. I still didn't know what I'd done to deserve it.

"Wait, you said a props master hit you?" he asked. Oh, he must have figured it out.

"Yeah. He really didn't like me. Can't imagine why," I joked. I smiled instead of laughed, but the strain it put on my cheek made me flinch back into a flat expression.

"You mean… my father did this to you." It wasn't a question. He knew. His frown was far too deep to belong on his face.

"Unless you know another Pendragon hating man named Balinor."

"I'm so sorry. I should've known he wouldn't like you. I'm sorry," Merlin apologized, slouching into the wall. I frowned lightly and turned a bit on the bench.

We were by the beach again, this time down at the end where people generally didn't populate because it was so far from all the shops and main roads. I figured it was a good spot for some alone time. We probably wouldn't be bothered over here.

"Does your father not approve of gays?" I asked, trying to sound like it didn't matter.

"What? No. I mean, I don't think he has a problem with it. Why?" Merlin asked.

"Well, I'm trying to figure out why he hated me so much, obviously," I said.

"Oh. Well it's not really your fault… I mean, it might be… Sort of…," Merlin fumbled over his words and turned his body away from me.

"It has something to do with the accident, doesn't it?"

"Maybe."

I felt a spark of annoyance. It wasn't the first spark. Ever since meeting his father, I'd begun to feel tense inside. I imagined that the hatred must have come from the announcement that I was dating his son, and I knew it also had something to do with the accident six years ago. Then the more I tried to unravel the mystery before talking to Merlin, the more I realized a huge, no, a colossal secret was being kept from me. It seemed Merlin was hiding everything about that accident like a hideous scar, and that scar was a canyon keeping me from the true depths of Merlin. I frowned deeply. I may have changed a lot, but I still didn't like being told no or being kept away from something I wanted. I was childish to the end, I suppose.

"Maybe?" I asked harshly, even harsher than I'd meant for it to be. "That's all you can say? Maybe? Your father just bruised my jaw, and you know why… and all you say is 'maybe'?"

I didn't remember standing.

"Arthur?" Merlin asked, reaching a hand toward me that I didn't take. "It's not a big deal. Don't worry about-"

"Not a big deal?! Merlin, it's a huge deal. It seems like everything is anchored around this apparently insignificant event that took your eyes from you," I pointed out. Here I grabbed his hand and cupped his chin to make him look directly at me. "But Merlin, that in itself is huge. It's the event that snatched away your sight and gave you these clouded blue pupils. It broke apart your family and changed your life forever! How can that not be huge?"

Merlin pressed his lips together. My jaw was aching from the movement and strain I was forcing on it. I held Merlin's hand and chin unwaveringly while he thought over everything. I could see him debating with himself.

"I… I don't want to tell you," he finally said. My gaze hardened. I dropped my hands away from him and took a step back.

"Why not?"

"It would change everything for you," he said, gaze lowering.

"What does this have to do with me?" I barked. That's when something occurred to me. I felt a sting in my chest. "Hang on… Don't tell me. Are you some kind of paparazzi?"

"What?" Merlin asked, face snapping back up to look toward me. He looked shocked… surprised.

"That's it isn't it? This whole time has been a lie, hasn't it? You got in close to Mordred so you could get in close to me. It's brilliant. Truly, I commend you. You're a better actor than I am. Just tell me… how much was a lie? Was there really an accident? Are you really blind? Have you enjoyed watching me obsess over you and pour my horrible heart out to you?!"

"Arthur, stop it!" Merlin yelled. I stumbled back in fear. I'd never heard him yell like that before. He sounded suddenly exhausted. "This isn't a trick, and you know it!"

"Do I?" I snapped back. "There's a wall between us, Merlin. There's some deep dark secret that you just can't bear to tell me. And after all that's happened with your father, if he really was your father, what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to pretend I don't care what happened, that it doesn't haunt me, that I'm not confused out of my mind about it? I'm supposed to act like being with you is enough, but it isn't, Merlin. Relationships like that don't work out, and I'm not about to subject myself to one."

"You don't understand," Merlin began.

"You right about that. I don't understand it at all. I haven't understood since the day I bloody met you," I huffed, crossing my arms and feeling my energy had been spent. I'd ranted too much, and now I was actually starting to feel sorry about it.

There was more silence between us. Merlin was gripping his hands together like they would produce physical confidence if he pressed them together a bit harder. I found my frown stuck on my face and fleetingly hoped it wasn't permanent.

"If I tell you, you have to promise it won't change you… that you'll still want me, and I'll still have some semblance of a corner of your heart," Merlin spoke up over the waves.

"Well I can't guarantee any of that, but I'll do my best… and you'll have to accept that as enough," I said. Merlin nodded.

"Okay. Fine. I'll tell you," Merlin agreed. He reached his hand up and removed his sunglasses. He fiddled with them in his hands before he let out a sigh and looked up toward me. "I guess… well see, when I was little, I used to con my father into taking me to work with him a lot. He worked with a lot of big stars, including you and your mother. Above all, it was my childhood dream to meet you. I mean, you were the person who made me realize I liked guys. I've been watching your movies since you first started acting. Most of that stuff I know about you, I learned it before I went blind."

"So you've been my little stalker forever," I clarified. I wish he'd get to the point. I wanted my doubts cleared. I wanted to believe it was all real and I hadn't been cheated.

"Yes. And you were right. I did use Mordred to get to you. When I realized who he was, I started talking to him and befriending him. I kept asking him to bring you in with him. I've always wanted to meet you, for as long as I can remember. Or I should say I've always wanted to meet you _again_. See, when I was fourteen, I went to work with my father because he was finally working on a project with you. You have no idea how excited I was. I came every day for the chance to see you up close. I knew you weren't the nicest person in real life, but at the time I just didn't care. I thought you looked like… like…," Merlin trailed off.

"Like what?" I asked with a bit more sting than I'd meant. I was genuinely curious, but my anticipation was getting the best of me. Merlin blushed a deep red.

"Like sunshine," he murmured embarrassedly. "I used to follow you at far distances while you worked. You never even noticed me. Then one day, the leading male actor decided to start a mess with you because you were young but clearly better than he was. He'd been giving you evil glares ever since shooting began. You didn't notice, but I did."

A new idea started to materialize for me, and I felt my fingers shaking in a scared plea that the idea wouldn't pan out. I gripped my arms tighter.

"He started taunting you and insulting you and… well we both know how those sort of conversations used to end," Merlin continued. No way. He couldn't be talking about…. "Well you gave him a good shove and he nearly broke a table when he fell over. When he pushed himself up off the table, I saw he was about to really let you have it, so I started to run over to help you. Then he hit a board on the table… it all happened so fast. The board swung around and hit a fire extinguisher. It was an old one so it was kind of rusty and all… a nail in the board hit it just right and it sort of exploded in my face."

I could feel my whole body starting to shake now. This had to be some sort of joke, right?

"I remembered seeing you, closer than ever before… and then there was a flash and my eyes started to burn. I cried and screamed… My father grabbed me while someone else called the ambulance. He was trying to comfort me, which helped, but it hurt so much…," Merlin paused to rub at his eyes as though remembering the pain. "When they got me in the ambulance, they gave me a sedative to knock me out and give me some peace… and when I woke up, I couldn't see anymore… And that's everything. Now you know."

Silence. Overwhelming, painful silence. Even the waves in the ocean were as good as gone for me. My hand found my mouth and covered it. My lips were parted and trembling. My whole body was quivering. I found my chest in tight pain and gasped for air.

"Oh god," I breathed out, and it sounded like I was suffocating. Hell, it felt like it. I fell to my knees, and rough sand forced its way through my clothes to rub against me.

Merlin sat before me, silent and patient. I found my chest felt tight and it was hard to draw a breath. I pressed my lips together. At that moment, I felt an odd guilt stir from deep in my gut and it gripped my heart, my lungs, and every muscle in my body. Merlin's unseeing eyes didn't look away from me and I realized he had known all along… He had known who I was.

Tears – hot, streaming droplets burned my skin. My eyes stung with them and I tried to bite them back, but they wouldn't stop. I felt no urge to cry and yet they were running freely from my eyes. I knew I'd conjured them. I knew I should have cried for this years and years ago… and I knew I wanted them to stop.

I gripped my shirt over my chest and grit my teeth. My chest had begun to hurt, much like my years-long dry eyes were stinging. Around the pain and the guilt and the tears, my mind managed to wrap around something Morgana had spoken to me. It seemed like a lifetime ago when she'd spoken to me last.

Was love the cause of this pain? Was this what my newfound emotions would cause me? I pressed my lips together to give my teeth a break. My eyes looked over Merlin's face again. His expression had grown confused at my silence.

"Oh god," I gasped out again. "I'm-" Merlin's expression turned worried. I pressed one hand to my eyes, trying to push the tears away. I cursed in my mind. Merlin had dropped beside me and was warily reaching for me, unsure where to move his hand. My chest clenched again.

I was the cause of all his grief and pain. I was the despicable person who had stolen his sight. It was all my fault… yet here he was, reaching for me. I swallowed heavily. I reached my hand out, away from my face, and grabbed his hand. He visibly relaxed and let me guide his hand to my face. I knew that's what he wanted. Then his expression turned cold.

"Arthur," he began, but I cut him off. I knew what he was going to ask.

"It was me," I heard my voice crack. "Bloody hell! It was me."

My head throbbed with the force of a fever, and my chest burned with pain and desire and utter guilt. I had never felt so strongly that I cried over it… and the pain I felt throughout my body was almost more than I could bear. Merlin could see that, even without his eyes… those eyes that I had taken away. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. There, held like a child, I felt phenomenally blessed where I once would have felt belittled. I didn't care how I looked right now. It was all my fault, and yet he was still here.

"I am so sorry," I managed to get out, grabbing hold of him and gripping tight, my face in his shoulder.

"It's okay, Arthur," Merlin assured me as his fingers found my hair. "I forgive you."

I couldn't form a sentence, so I grunted out a confused syllable. He ran his fingers through my hair.

"When it happened, I told you the last thing I saw was you. You were looking right at me when it happened, and you looked scared. You even had your hand rising up toward me. I remembered that bit, Arthur. You didn't mean for it to happen. You didn't like that it happened. You were worried for me. I wanted to thank you for that," he said.

"Thank me?!" I exclaimed, pushing away from him enough to look at him. "It's my fault!"

"Yes, it was," Merlin replied monotonously. I was stunned at his bluntness. Then he continued in a 'this is obvious' sort of tone. "But it wasn't on purpose or anything. I'm not like the woman you pushed under a torch so her hair would be burned off. I was an accident, and you knew it, and you tried to warn me. Things happen, Arthur, and I forgave you before my doctor could even explain what had happened to me."

"Merlin," I murmured, gripping his shirt between my fingers.

"Yes?"

"I hate you." Of course I was lying, but how could Merlin be so magnanimous? It seemed Merlin knew I was lying.

"If that makes your day brighter, I'm okay with that," he said. I thought I recognized that from a previous conversation, but it didn't matter. I was burying my face in his shoulder again, no longer crying but still shivering and working through the knowledge that I had been the one to mess up his life… and yet he somehow forgave me.

I felt immensely lucky… and suddenly very sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 15 – Psychological Problems:
> 
> I'm not the brightest man in the world, but I'm definitely not slow. I wasn't going to see Merlin, not now and not for awhile. Yes, I know what you're thinking. Well you know what? Shut up. It physically hurt.
> 
> "I don't care what you demand!" I shouted, scaring her back a few steps. "I don't have to answer to you! So just Leave. Me. Alone!"
> 
> He froze and looked at me curiously, his expression saying he didn't know how to react. I smiled encouragingly at him and ruffled his hair a bit. He regarded me with worry and then looked absolutely conflicted with anxiety.
> 
> "Are you dying?" he asked quietly.
> 
> "He's not acting right! I need to know! It's not normal for him to be depressive!"
> 
> "What is normal for him?" my mother asked testily. "Maybe it's good he isn't being normal anymore."
> 
> I could tell he was taking in the way I was dressed: covered, closed, and refined. It was as though he was finally seeing me for all the changes that had taken place, was finally seeing everything clearly.
> 
> Still, it didn't help. I had to find a way to like myself again.


	15. Psychological Problems

I'm not the brightest man in the world, but I'm definitely not slow. It wasn't a complete mystery to me, the fact that I wasn't going to the bookstore and I wasn't replying to phone messages. I definitely noticed it, no matter how much Mordred called me an idiot and tried to 'hint' at me to get me to go see Merlin. I definitely knew I wanted to go. I didn't need him poking me to do it… but I wasn't going to go. I wasn't going to see Merlin, not now and not for awhile.

I know what you're thinking. 'Arthur, you jerk. Go see him! He just told you his big secret!' or maybe 'What's wrong with you now, Arthur?' or perhaps even 'What?! What do you mean you won't be seeing Merlin for awhile?! I need to see the cuteness!!!!' Yes, I know what you're thinking. Well you know what? Shut up.

It's not because I disowned him or hate him. I mean, I told you I was kidding when I said that. I haven't grown tired of Merlin either. It's nothing to do with him. He's as brilliant as always. I'm just… I'm scared, alright?

How was I supposed to face Merlin in my current state? Every time I got near the bookstore or drove on the roads that would eventually lead me there, I started to panic. What if I saw him and started trembling again? What if I cried again? What if all I felt for the rest of our relationship was pity and guilt for him? And what if he slowly began to blame me for his eyes? What if his graciousness had a limit? How many times could I royal screw up before he'd grow tired of me?

I was terrified. No one else would know that by looking at me, though. I was an actor after all. But I was definitely scared, and not just of Merlin's reactions or what might happen between us. I was also scared by the fact that I was so frightened of the relationship. I… I didn't like feeling this way.

"Arthur!" an annoyed sounding voice chipped in my ear. I jumped, my eyes wide, and snapped around to see who was calling me. It was Morgana. Oh no.

"What, Morgana?" I asked bitterly. I didn't want to have to deal with her right now. She was going to ask me all sorts of questions that I didn't want to answer.

"I've been yelling at you for the last five minutes! What's up with your head?" she asked.

"Nothing and none of your business," I snapped. "Leave me alone, Morgana. I'm not in the mood."

"Don't give me that. As your friend, I demand to know what's wrong with you," she said. I clenched my fists. I didn't want to do this right now!

"I don't care what you demand!" I shouted, scaring her back a few steps. Some other workers on the set jumped in alarm as well. "I don't have to answer to you, Morgana! So just Leave. Me. Alone!"

And with that, I made my way from the room. I tried to walk dignified, but I wondered if anyone could tell it was a desperate attempt not to run wildly away.

* * *

If I thought living without Merlin for a week while he was visiting family was hard, I didn't know what hard was. The days after Merlin's admission about his eyes, I stayed away, and it physically hurt. Unless you've ever gotten smashed or horribly ill, I doubt you've ever spent as much time as me heaving into your porcelain throne. Two days away from Merlin and I could hardly stand. I had to call into the station and tell them to film what they could without me.

When my mother got home from her work for the day, she made me some odd herbal tea and enriched chicken noodle soup. She thought it was a normal sickness. I would have thought her tea was weird except she'd been giving me exotic 'remedy' teas for illnesses ever since I was a baby, and they had yet to affect me badly.

Mordred brought the food up to me. He set a box down on the floor and then put a folding table over me on the bed. I let him do it even though I doubted it would change anything in my stomach. Mordred opened his box and pulled out my meal and set it up all nice and neat for me. He was too short to quite reach all the way across my lap to position the stuff perfectly, so he had to lift himself up onto the bed to make it look the way he wanted.

I reached out before he could climb back down and pat him on the head. He froze and looked at me curiously, his expression saying he didn't know how to react. I smiled encouragingly at him and ruffled his hair a bit. He regarded me with worry and then looked absolutely conflicted with anxiety.

"Are you dying?" he asked quietly.

"Of course not," I said, though if this was day two, I didn't want to know what would happen next.

"But… you're really sick – too sick to work. That hasn't happened since… since before I was born, and you're petting me," Mordred pointed out, lowering his head but looking right into my eyes. He looked like a puppy afraid of being smacked.

I smiled sadly. "That's not it, Mordred. I'm not dying. I'm just sick… sick about myself. It'll pass."

"Sick about yourself?" Mordred asked. "Did you do something wrong?"

"I don't really want to talk about it," I answered quickly. I bit my lip and frowned. "Sorry. Thanks for asking though."

Mordred nodded and climbed down off my bed. He closed up his box and shuffled toward the door. I got the distinct image of an orphan with the way he was carrying that box and how he hung his head. I had started to sip my tea when he stopped walking. He turned around to look at me, my hair unkempt, shirtless and still in my pajama bottoms.

"Whatever you did… Merlin will still like you," Mordred spoke up. He sounded almost mystical, like he really was my little telepath. Then, before I could answer back, he made his way carefully out of the door and shut it securely behind him.

I listened to the sound of the elevator rumbling as it reached my floor and then took Mordred away. It was faint, but I could hear it. When I was sure he was gone, I closed my eyes and let my head fall back against my headboard.

I hoped I could move tomorrow. Staying home gave me too much time to think, and put me much too close to Mordred's psychological receptors.

"I know that," I murmured in response to Mordred. I knew Merlin still liked me… or he had last time I'd seen him. He'd liked me this whole time after knowing what I'd done, but that didn't help. I had to find a way to like myself again.

* * *

"He just hasn't been himself lately, and he won't talk to me these days. What do you think? He confides in you, at least," I heard my father complain to my mother. He didn't know I was just around the corner.

"If he needs you to know, he'll tell you, I'm sure," my mother replied.

"He's not acting right! I need to know! It's not normal for him to be depressive!"

"What _is_ normal for him?" my mother asked testily.

"Normal for Arthur? Come now, Igraine. You know what Arthur is like. He dresses flashy and flaunts himself. He plans interviews every other week! He walks down the street for no good reason, just so people take pictures of him! He gets angry when he doesn't get what he wants! He's Arthur, for heaven's sake!" Wow… glad to know my father had such a high opinion of me.

"Well maybe it's good he isn't being _normal_ anymore," my mother argued calmly. "I prefer him like this, saving himself and not spewing his life to the paparazzi."

"Saving himself?" my father asked in shock. "For what?"

"Come now, Uther. You know Arthur's reaching that age. He's going to want to find someone sooner or later. When he does, he won't want to be the flamboyant playboy actor without any secrets. He'll want to be someone who can be intimate without cameras, and someone who has a few mysteries to keep the other person interested," mother explained.

I actually blushed. Flamboyant playboy? Was that what I used to be? When she put it like that, it sounded just horrible. A flamboyant playboy? … Intimate without cameras, I liked the sound of that. I looked up toward the ceiling and slouched against the wall. Intimate without cameras. Intimate with Merlin.

"Flamboyant playboy?" my father asked, the slightest hint of disgust in his voice.

"Oh goodness. Out of all of that, that's the only thing you retained?" She sounded annoyed now. "You're son's in love and you want him to go back to the way he used to be. That's just bloody brilliant."

"Watch your language. A woman shouldn't talk that way…. And Arthur's not in love. He doesn't know how to be in love. That's one of the last things he's talked to me about," my father reminisced aloud.

"Well he is, so you may as well get used to the way he is, because he's only going to get better," I heard my mother say in that tone that I'd grown to know meant the discussion was over. "Maybe if you were around more often, he'd be telling you things as well."

I heard my father try to reply, but Mum must have walked away to do the wash or something because the retort sputtered and died. I heard him take a deep breath and could visualize the way he would brush his hand back over his head and what hair he had left. I slipped over to the door and carefully opened it and closed it, loudly.

"Anybody home?" I called as though I'd just arrived.

"I-In here!" I must have startled him with my voice. Had he not heard the door?

"Is Mum around?" I asked, walking around the corner to face him. He waved absently toward the wash room.

"Yes, um, she's… cleaning," he mumbled, looking me over. I could tell he was taking in the way I was dressed: covered, closed, refined, and brilliantly good-looking. It was as though he was finally seeing me for all the changes that had taken place, was finally seeing everything clearly.

"Right," I replied and started to make my way back to find my mother.

"Arthur," I heard my father begin so I stopped. I didn't turn around, but I did glance back over my shoulder. "You're looking… good."

"Hm. Much appreciated, Father," I answered with a slightly haughty smile. "You look good today as well."

"No, I mean it," he reaffirmed. I turned to face him, curious where he was going to take this. "I… I suppose I don't pay enough attention to you boys. Not nearly as much as I should… I know this. I just… I wanted to let you know that looking at you, right now, I… I'm proud of you. I am. Truly. And I want you to know you can still tell me anything. You know that, don't you?"

His words were slightly hurt by the fact that I heard his conversion earlier, but he got an A for his efforts. I took a deep breath and nodded.

"Of course," I said. "Thank you." Really, my father didn't say words like these very often. You had to give him credit when he did, no matter what was influencing him.

"Good. Good," he muttered to himself, running his hand over his head again. "Oh, speaking of, Arthur… How are you? Feeling better?"

"Not entirely well, no," I answered honestly. "But I'm sure a trip to Gaius might help." I was lying. I didn't actually intend on going to see Gaius, but it would undoubtedly get my father off my back.

"So this is a psychological problem?" Father asked. "What happened that could possibly make you ill like this?"

"Oh nothing much," I said nonchalantly. I watched his face fall and he looked to the side. He murmured something like 'oh yes. right' Before I spoke again. "I just found out I'm the biggest prat and truly the most horrible boyfriend in the history of England – and I mean even worse than King Henry VIII. But I don't really feel like getting into it right now, so could we possibly discuss this later?"

"Oh… Alright," he agreed, but he looked so stunned that I was almost tickled enough to laugh. The gloomy cloud over my head, however, refused to give me respite, not even enough to simply chuckle. I moved on to see my mother, nothing left to say to Father. It wasn't that I disliked him… there were just things I didn't believe he'd understand.

Like Merlin… or how the story of the poor stagehand's kid that I injured with a fire extinguisher that used to not bother me at all suddenly made me too ill to work. There were definitely things he wouldn't understand. I was going to attempt to distract myself from some of the things even I couldn't understand, and also from the things I could. I wanted to help my mum clean and organize, go shopping or protesting or whatever it was she had planned for the day. I wanted to distract myself enough to eat and enough to smile.

I wanted to do anything but think about Merlin.

* * *

"So what? Did Mummy and Daddy call you because of my condition the past two days?" I asked in slight annoyance. The room was deathly silent, so much more so than I could ever remember it having been. In all the times I'd come here, not once had it seemed like such a large and imposing place. It usually offered such comfort.

"No. I called you in for quite a different reason, but I am interested in what you've been doing the past few days," Gaius replied. He sat behind his desk, something he hadn't done with me for years. We usually sat in a personal manner. He only sat behind his desk when he had to make a serious point or had bad news of some sort.

Something occurred to me then as I watched him twiddle a pencil between his fingers and look down at me through his reading glasses. He had a book open in front of him that I'd interrupted when I came in. He was sitting and watching me, not even bothering to move his book and make his desk look professional. It came to me then, remembering the phone call that had called me down to this man's office in the first place.

"Gaius, why _did_ you call me?" I asked.

Gaius frowned a bit and shook his head swiftly back and forth, as though he were disappointed in the question. He leaned forward and shifted his position in the chair. Then he sighed.

"I called you in because of the way you're treating my nephew," he said. I knit my eyebrows together in confusion and tilted my head to the side.

"Sorry, what?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 16 – Spiritual Digging:
> 
> When I was very young, my parents caught me standing on the roof of our house, threatening to jump off. I was five years old and trying to show off for the cameras. It was luck that had my parents grabbing me before paparazzi could even get a whiff of the stunt. It soon became apparent that I was suffering from an incurable disease called Popularity Necessity. Gaius worked with my parents to teach me when being in the limelight could go too far, like jumping off of a building. I'm sure I got most of the message.
> 
> But so much took place in just a week.
> 
> "It was news to me as well. I had no idea you were one of the actors involved with his little accident," he said.
> 
> "Little?" I asked, partially skeptical and partially angry.
> 
> "You're not tired and sick and upset because of Merlin's eyes. That's just a catalyst. There's something much more going on here. Arthur Pendragon, you're going to sit back down in that chair and decide for yourself why you're so angry all the time!" Gaius ordered in such a powerful voice that I actually fell back into my chair.
> 
> "For once, Gaius, stop jerking me around and just tell me the damn answer! I don't want to look inside myself just to get it wrong!"
> 
> It was just me and him in an endless expanse of shadows and nighttime creatures in this large office. Just me and him and my endless, guilt ridden thoughts. But I changed for him... for Merlin! It was all for him! He'd never be able to marvel in the fact that he changed me for the better! I changed for him!
> 
> "Gaius, it's not good at all. I've gone mad!"
> 
> "No. I want him to be Merlin."


	16. Spiritual Digging

When I was very young, my parents caught me standing on the roof of our house, threatening to jump off. I was five years old and trying to show off for the cameras. It was luck that had my parents grabbing me before paparazzi could even get a whiff of the stunt. Still, the event left my parents worried, and I was sent to see a psychologist named Gaius. He was a friend of my father's going way back.

Gaius originally declined the chance to take me on as a patient. He said it went against codes and protocols to session friends or family because you were too close to them. But after much pleading, I was accepted for an hour session every Monday under a 'visit Gaius' ruse. He was paid in cash by my father so I never showed up on the records. As far as others were concerned, it was just an hour Gaius took off every week.

It soon became apparent that I was suffering from an incurable disease called Popularity Necessity. I needed to be seen and be heard, and I was only five. Gaius worked with my parents to teach me when being in the limelight could go too far, like jumping off of a building. I'm sure I got most of the message.

Over the years, I was no longer a patient, and Gaius was simply someone I could always count on to have time to listen to my complaints and give me some awesome and yet annoying unhelpful advice. A beer together in his office or some self-help book to read while I was away, these were things Gaius and I did together.

I'd never asked much about his family. I knew his wife had died many years ago, even before I was born. He had no children. He had one sister who lived in their hometown, but Gaius had moved to the city for school and work a long time ago. I knew he had a nephew, and I knew only his mother was still alive out of his parents. However, I'd never pressed into any details about his family.

So if someone could please explain to me how on Earth I was mistreating his nephew, I'd be happy to listen.

"Sorry, what?" I asked, sitting slouched in one of his session chairs. Only my expression changed, and not by much. He was making less sense than usual, and I wasn't really up for it.

"I received a phone call from my nephew yesterday which I returned after the last of my patients left for the night. According to him, you're avoiding him," Gaius explained. I grunted.

"Gaius, that's ridiculous. I've never met your nephew before in my life," I countered. I rolled my eyes and looked up toward the ceiling. I could be home right now… home and moping like I wanted to be. I heard Gaius sigh.

"You know, Arthur, when you told me about the young man you were chasing after, I never really considered the idea that I might know him as well either. However, it stands to fact that your new boyfriend and my only nephew are one and the same person," he said matter-of-factly.

"Ah," I answered shortly. I probably should have guessed that when he first accused me, but my mind wasn't what it used to be four days ago. Four days… like those four days Merlin went away, back to his home to meet his family. Four days it took to realize I really loved him and three days to find his father, get punched in the face and then in the heart. So much took place in just a week.

"Arthur?" Gaius's voice called, slight concern but mostly annoyance in his voice.

"Yes? What?" I asked, snapping my gaze down to him and sitting up straighter in my chair.

"Is everything alright?" he asked. "You don't seem to be able to focus on our conversation."

"Yes, I mean no… I'm sorry, Gaius. I'm just a little distracted lately. I'm sure Merlin has already told you what happened the other day," I said. It was an excuse, but it was also the truth. That one conversation had me sitting in my room for hours on end with nothing to do but have my mind drift away to think of Merlin with every little thing that happened… just like now. Four days alone and I was already cracking.

"Arthur!" Gaius barked to get my attention.

"Yes!" I shouted, shocked out of my thoughts. I actually did a quick scan of the room to make sure random attackers hadn't popped in through to door. I'd never heard Gaius yell like that before. "S-sorry," I apologized again.

"It's alright… and yes, Merlin told me what happened. It was news to me as well. I had no idea you were one of the actors involved with his little accident," he said.

"Little?" I asked, partially skeptical and partially angry. Gaius regarded me with steady, unwavering eyes.

"Yes. Little," he repeated. I gripped the arm of my chair.

"Gaius, I took away his-," I began.

"Tell me. If you had to choose, would you rather keep your eyes or your voice?" he asked, now looking bored and writing something down on his notepad. He couldn't possibly be taking notes on me, could he?

"…my voice?" I tried. Not only was I sure that was the answer he was going for, but it was also true. If I went mute, I… well I couldn't talk. Maybe it was idiocy, maybe it was just me being narcissistic, but I would really love to be able to talk above being able to stare. Hell, I think I'd love to talk _about_ being able to stare.

"Exactly," Gaius said, drawing me from my thoughts again. For a moment, I thought he'd been in on my inner musings and had commented on those. I had to think back to my actual answer before I was on the right page again.

"Merlin has lost his sight, which is tragic. However, he can still laugh and sing. He can still talk your ear off, as I'm sure you know. He can still hear cars and people and movies. He can still feel. He can still read with his fingers and write letters. He can still use a cell phone and send txt messages or use a computer and the internet. Merlin can still smell food and ugly odors. He can still tell when the flowers bloom in the spring time and, heck, sometimes he can smell when the temperature begins to drop for winter. His other senses make up, mostly, for the sense he has lost. He is at a very slight disadvantage to everyone else," he said.

"But he can't see," I countered. "He can't tell if the sky turns purple on Wednesdays or if the stars are out. He can't see the flowers for their originality or tell what foods are hidden, odorless beneath a counter. He can't see to go shopping unassisted. He can't see, Gaius. He can't even see the Eiffel Tower light up like his eyes!"

"Can you hear yourself?" Gaius asked, looking pleased for some unknown reason.

"Apparently not," I replied. Gaius nodded and leaned forward onto his desk.

"His eyes 'light up', you say? Then does it matter if he's blind or not?" he asked slowly. I frowned.

"Of course it does. He can't see anything. He's not normal like everyone else," I said.

"Do you want him to be like everyone else? Especially when the two of you are alone? You want him to be one of your fans?"

"No. I want him to be Merlin."

"And would Merlin be any different with his sight?" Gaius asked.

No. I didn't say it, but no. Merlin wouldn't be any different with his eyes. He'd still be stupid. He'd still be an idiot. He'd still play with Mordred during his work hours and insult me. He'd still let me take him out to dinner and lean against me during plays. Merlin would still be goofy and barely graceful and smile like a loon. No, Merlin would still be Merlin even if the accident had never happened.

"But-!" I began. I leaned forward, placing my hands on my head and closing my eyes. "But I hurt him. I hurt him and I didn't even care enough to check on him afterward. I didn't care enough to even worry after the accident. I just got angry when people mentioned it!"

"But you did care," Gaius stopped me. "You may have blocked it out, but I remember. After the accident, you scheduled three sessions with me. While you were here, you acted much like you are now – sullen, morose, self-loathing, angry. You would talk and try to push the blame onto the other actor, but you were still blaming yourself. By the third session, you hardly seemed to remember the accident much less worry about it. I think you simply put it out of your mind."

"That's great! But it doesn't change the fact that I hurt Merlin," I said. I felt like I was on repeat.

"That's not why you feel bad," Gaius said. He looked almost scary with the expression he had on. "You're not tired and sick and upset because of Merlin's eyes. That's just a catalyst. There's something much more going on here."

"What, Gaius?! What is it?! Why don't you just tell me so I can go home!?" I yelled, pushing up from my chair and towering over the sitting old man.

"Arthur, you know as well as I that that would completely defeat the purpose," Gaius answered.

"Then defeat the purpose! How can you just sit that like that?! How can you be so calm?! I ruined… _ruined_ your nephews _life,_ and yet you sit there treating me like the same stupid little boy as always! For once, Gaius, stop jerking me around and just tell me the damn answer! I don't want to look inside myself just to get it wrong!" I was throwing my arms out and making wild gestures. I was glaring and even spitting. I was stomping my foot and getting my heart pumping. I was angry and I couldn't entirely explain why. That sort of thing seemed to be happening a lot lately.

Gaius didn't answer me. He just watched me. I stood there, fuming like a bloody idiot for another three minutes before I growled.

"Well if you're not going to talk, I'm leaving," I said.

"No you're not. Arthur Pendragon, you're going to sit back down in that chair and decide for yourself why you're so angry all the time!" Gaius ordered in such a powerful voice that I actually fell, FELL back into my chair.

He hadn't moved a muscle. His gaze had grown fierce, but his body hadn't changed at all. He'd controlled me with his tone alone… and I was shocked to the point of nearly shitting myself.

The office was quiet then. The soft tick of his forest themed clock and the slight sound of a street outside were the only noises. I understood now why he made me his last client of the day. I couldn't use time as an excuse to leave. It was just me and him in an endless expanse of shadows and nighttime creatures in this large office. Just me and him and my endless, guilt ridden thoughts.

I stood and began to pace around the room. I scratched my arms and scratched my head. I rubbed from my shoulders to my elbows, abnormally chilly. I shook my legs. Suddenly, sitting still seemed very unpleasant. At home, it was all I wanted to do, to just lie around and do nothing. Here, I wanted to do anything but sit there under Gaius's all-knowing, disapproving scrutiny. I shivered. I grunted. I cracked my fingers and my wrists and anything else I could manage. I took shallow breaths. I took deep breaths. I felt like a claustrophobic man in a sardine can. And DAMN IT! Why wouldn't he stop looking?!

Stupid old man! Glance down at your notebook or out the window! Check the clock every once in awhile! Hours must be flying by here while I pace, why are you still staring?! Why can't you stop watching me for two bloody seconds while I get a hold of myself?!

Silence. All encompassing. The claustrophobia grew worse. The intensity of his stare bore into me like hammers, like waves breaking on the shore. The guilt inside of me, being picked at by Gaius's words, was unbearable.

Merlin wouldn't be able to watch me. He could stare all he wanted with his unseeing, all-seeing eyes without ever taking in a glimpse of me. He'd never be able to see me for the man I'd become and be able to tell all the changes I'd made physically for him… for Merlin! He'd never be able to marvel in the fact that he changed me for the better! I changed for him!

I took a gasp of air and grabbed onto the back of my chair to keep me steady. My mind quieted. The room stopped spinning, stopped closing in. Suddenly the world was back to a soft ticking clock and the low murmur of cars. The thoughts and sounds rushing through my mind were gone. It was just me and a very old friend sitting in a comfortable office. I must have looked stunned, because Gaius broke into the silence.

"I take it you've realized something," he said. I ran my fingers backwards through my hair and leaned on my chair, face hidden in my arms.

"I…"

"Yes?"

"I'm…"

"Continue."

I pushed up off the chair and gave Gaius a slightly annoyed look.

"Are you going to let me finish?" I asked in an exhausted voice. He didn't reply. How annoyingly witty. "I… am a human being."

"I'm very impressed with your powers of observation," Gaius taunted.

"Oh shut it. What I mean is…. I feel like… I've been using Merlin selfishly. I noticed how he made me feel and used him as a source of entertainment. Then I began to change myself to keep _him_ entertained as well. People started noticing the changes… started complimenting me on them… We both know how much I like being complimented. I was getting attention from my changes. I'm still getting attention," I mused, realization dawning on my face and making me queasy inside.

"I thought I was horrible for hurting him after changing so much for _him_ … but I didn't really do that at all. I used him to change for myself. None of this was for him… it's like adding salt to the wounds," I groaned.

"No. It's like opening a window to a sealed room. Arthur, this is a good thing," Gaius assured me.

"Now you're definitely mental," I said. I motioned to the clock. "I thought hours passed in the last ten minutes. I aged years!... and you're telling me this is a good thing. Gaius, it's not good at all. I've gone mad!"

"Arthur, don't you see? You've found the heart of the issue. You aren't a horrible git like you thought you were. If you were, you wouldn't have gotten so ill over the guilt of it. And besides, getting attention by making people happy isn't bad. So people like the new you, that doesn't mean you should feel bad for drawing their attention. You should use it as motivation to continue moving forward," Gaius said wisely.

"Why do I feel like this is about to turn into a speech about calling your nephew?" I asked. I felt exhausted now that all my thoughts had shoved the stress right out of me. I felt like a waterbed that just got a hole in it or a dam with newly broken walls. The longer I stood here, the more I wanted to lay down and sleep for winter. Gaius laughed.

"Well, since you brought it up… it would probably be in both of your better interests to give him a call. If this keeps up, he'll be as sick as you with guilt. He thinks this is his entire fault, you know. I won't forgive you for that one," he said. It was a threatening statement, and yet I felt increasingly unaffected.

"Right. Can I go home now? All this spiritual digging has worn me out."

"Of course. I'll drive you. The way you look, you might find a way to wrap yourself round a tree, and that won't do anyone a bit of good."

"Not funny, Gaius. This is far from being finished."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 17 – Until the Day I Die:
> 
> I decided I wasn't worse than King Henry VIII. That guy… was an asshole. I was not an asshole. I was a jerk. There is a HUGE difference. And then, because I'd been sick and half-starving myself for the last four days now, I went downstairs and ate some steak with my mother.
> 
> I walked over to her before anyone else could spot me and rope me into work. When I got close, she stood up away from the wall. "I need to talk to you," I said. She slapped me. Okay. I admit it. I deserved it… but it still stung like a beast.
> 
> "If we both have time," I said. "If you meet me after work, we can do coffee." We stood in silence that wasn't awkward and wasn't truly comfortable until someone spotted me and called me to work.
> 
> "Listen, Merlin. I came to apologize. Has anyone told you today that you look great?" I asked.
> 
> "How dark was it?" Merlin asked as we neared a back room.
> 
> "Pitch," I said. "Like I was blind."
> 
> "I liken you to Cool Ranch Doritos," he admitted.
> 
> "Merlin, please, we need to talk," I said. He frowned and shifted his body to face mine.
> 
> "So talk," he said.
> 
> My mouth left his lips and worked down his jaw and throat. He let out little breaths, but no restrictions. When I reached his collarbone, I hesitated. I could feel his hands moving. One was tugging at the buttons on my shirt, the ones that were just for show. The other…


	17. Until the Day I Die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So someone told me this story has a theme song and it's sung by Daughtry. So if you happen to have the time, check out 'What About Now' by Daughtry and let me know if you agree.

I was raised to be confident in the spotlight, to be brave in the face of the crowds and the cameras. I was fearless on stage…. But was I the biggest chicken behind the scenes? Yep. You betcha.

After my talk with Gaius, I sat in my kitchen and ate clam chowder soup like a starving cat while I sorted myself out. I was still a jerk. I'd been using Merlin, but at the same time… he was using me too. Merlin told me that himself. He'd wanted to see me again, so he'd used Mordred and then used my personality to lure me into coming to see him. I'd used him to make myself a better person. All in all, I could have used him for plenty of worse things.

I decided I wasn't worse than King Henry VIII. That guy… was an asshole. I was not an asshole. I was a jerk. There is a _HUGE_ difference. I decided I could face Merlin again, and that I needed to apologize for what I'd put him through these last few days. And then, because I'd been sick and half-starving myself for the last four days now, I went downstairs and ate some steak with my mother. She was more than pleased to see me up and smiling. It wasn't beaming or anything, but at least I was back to 'normal.'

Before I could see Merlin, however, I had another issue to deal with. When I finished eating with my mum, I called the studio to let them know I would be coming in the next day. The director was ecstatic. I was nervous. When I walked into work, I instantly spotted Morgana. She'd definitely gotten the memo about my return. She was leaning against a wall and looking both pissed off and worried at the same time, something I'd decided only she could truly pull off. Her eyes were scanning the set she was nearby, waiting to see my arrival.

I walked over to her before anyone else could spot me and rope me into work. I had to speak with Morgana above all other work priorities.

"Morgana," I called out as I neared her. Her head spun around to watch me approach, but her expression was as fierce as before. When I got close, she stood up away from the wall. "I need to talk to you," I said.

She slapped me. Okay. I admit it. I deserved it… but it still stung like a beast.

"That's for making me worry and yelling at me. Now if you came to tell me what's wrong, then I'll listen. Otherwise, forget it," she said, crossing her arms defiantly, her head held high and proud.

"I came to tell you that Merlin is blind as a mole and a bat and that stupid kid's rhyme about mice all mixed together and it's my fault and I felt like such a jerk that I took it out on you and maybe that wasn't really the best way to deal with it," I quickly explained. I gave her my best 'forgive me?' look, which involved me looking younger than I was somehow, and pressed my hands together in a slightly begging motion, but I didn't hold them up like I was begging because I was above begging… and because I wasn't begging…. What? I wasn't.

"Wow," was all Morgana could manage to say for a few moments. She looked me over as if trying to figure out that story from my physical features. Finally, she dropped her arms and looked interested. "That sounds like one heck of an adventure. You going to tell me about it?"

"If we both have time," I said. "If you meet me after work, we can do coffee. That way, you'll know before I go talk to Merlin and maybe help me figure out how to apologize for ignoring him for an absurdly long time."

"Sure," Morgana answered with a smile. "What are friends for?"

Now I smiled.

"Thanks, Morgana." We stood in silence that wasn't awkward and wasn't truly comfortable until someone spotted me and called me to work. I nodded a goodbye to Morgana and hurried off, glad to finally be up and doing something useful. Morgana hung around the background of wherever I was during shooting like my conscience's personal guardian angel, giving me confidence and strength to make it through the day. The prospect of speaking with her was all that kept me from fretting over my meeting with Merlin today and from getting queasy at the idea.

Up side? I didn't feel angry at all.

* * *

They say if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and slowly heat it to above boiling the frog won't notice and will die. That's about how it felt driving downtown to the middle-class housing area. I swore I was slowly moving toward something I knew nothing about. There was a distinct sense of pressure being dumped upon me, slowly… like the filling of a bath tub.

I looked down at the paper in my hand. I had it smashed against the steering wheel most of the time so the poor white parchment was crumpled torturously, but it was still legible. I held it tight and hid it against the wheel once more as my eyes focused on the road again. I had only been in this part of the city twice, but that was alright. I had a pretty good memory and two trips were usually enough for me. However, I had the directions with me just so I could double check when I wasn't sure. I'd read it wasn't uncommon for nervousness to mess with memory.

The houses went by at ever slower speeds as I neared my destination and began to pay close attention to the surroundings and addresses on the buildings. If I accidentally ended up going into a perfect stranger's house, I was going to strangle somebody… That's what I was thinking just before I found the home with the right address.

I parked my car on the side of the road and stepped out onto the nice, partially manicured lawn. I could feel the softness of the grass through my shoes, or maybe it was anxiety making me imagine it. I focused on putting one foot in front of the other until I reached the front door. For a moment, I couldn't bring myself to ring the bell. My arm just stayed flat on my side. But I couldn't just stand there forever. I took a deep breath and raised my hand up to the button. As I let out my air, my finger pressed in on the round, white device. A string of tones echoed behind the door, signaling my arrival.

For a moment, no one came to the door. I looked around at the house. It was small but quaint. It wasn't run down in any noticeable way, and the yard looked great. There were even some flowering bushes along the edge of the house to give it some flair. The house itself was a pale blue with brown window frames and just-for-show shutters. The door was brown as well. All the accents were brown. It looked slightly cheap. Maybe it was a camouflage technique to keep it from getting robbed…. Gah! Or maybe I was just looking at houses from a prudish, rich boy perspective!

I groaned. Would I always be so mean to people 'lower' than me? That's when the door opened. I put on a smile and then it wavered. I didn't know what to do now that I was here. I found my way here. It was the right house. Dear God, now what?

"Hello?" Merlin asked unsurely. His eyes darted behind his sunglasses despite the fact that it wasn't helping him see at all.

"Hi," I said. It was more like breathing. Merlin's eyebrows shot up in shock and he opened his mouth, but no words came out. "I thought I'd come by instead of calling," I explained.

"Sounds like a good idea," Merlin answered quietly. He brought his hand to his mouth, looking as confused on how to move forward as I was. Merlin slowly slipped off his sunglasses and hooked them on his shirt collar.

"Listen, Merlin. I came to apologize. I realized that day that I was a huge prat, but since then… with the help of a crazy old man, I realized I wasn't a prat for the reasons I thought and then I felt horrible for not seeing you…. Has anyone told you today that you look great?" I asked, unsure where my rant was going to end. I sounded breathless, and he really did look good.

His hair was unbrushed and he was wearing a slightly large shirt that looked like he'd slept in it. Oh. I must have woken him up. He looked unkempt, but he looked pretty hot doing it. Then he cracked a tiny smile.

"Would you like to come inside? My uncle isn't here," Merlin said. I nodded and stepped forward. Merlin stopped me by grabbing my necklace, the whistle one he liked. "You're wearing it."

"Yeah. I figured it would be a good first step this morning," I said, a little shrug tilting my shoulders.

Merlin nodded and released me. I followed him into the semi-darkness of his home. At first I was stunned by how dark it was, but then I rationalized that Merlin didn't need the light, so why would he use it? Though, it did make things rather difficult for someone like me, who was used to bright colors and being able to see what I'd just stubbed my toe on.

"You can turn the light on, if you need it. I don't know how dark it is in here. The switch is right by the door," Merlin said, hearing my unspoken thoughts. Was he spiritually related to Mordred?

The house was much nicer in the light. Wooden furniture and tidy clutter all around. There were books lying on the table, on the couch, on the footstool, on the bookcase, and even on the floor. Two shirts were draped over the back of a chair and were much too large for Merlin. These must be Gaius'. It was horribly messy, and yet it was organized. I noticed Merlin drag his hands along the backs of the chairs he passed and on the back of the sofa, but he never really seemed to doubt where he was going or what was in his path. This place must be even more familiar to him than the bookstore, and no doubt Gaius kept everything where it should be to make it easier.

"How dark was it?" Merlin asked as we neared a back room. Then he clarified, "with the lights off, I mean."

"Pitch," I said. "Like I was blind."

I knew he wouldn't take offense to my explanation, but this small talk felt heavy. I grunted and caught Merlin's hand as he reached for the handle to the room.

"Merlin, please, we need to talk," I said. He frowned and shifted his body to face mine. He didn't fight against my grip at all, in fact, he was leaning into it. That alone made my heart beat faster.

"So talk," he said. I took a deep breath.

"Lately, I realized I've been getting ill whenever I get stressed out, but particularly over you. When I met your father, and even before then, I vowed that when I found out who was the cause of your blindness, I would beat them up. Well, I did. After I left you that day, I went home and collapsed straight onto my bed. For the next two days, I could barely walk, I was so sick… It was terrible… but that's not the point!" I said, shaking my head. I wasn't here to make him feel sorry for me.

"The point is, I realized, with some help, that maybe I wasn't sick because of that guilt…. Merlin, I want to apologize, but not for the reasons you think. I want to apologize for using you," I said. It felt like more of a confession, a dirty excuse. I didn't like the queasy feeling that came with my uncertainty. I had no idea how Merlin would respond to this.

"I used you to entertain myself… and I used you to better myself… to get attention that I wanted and needed – that I still need. I want to apologize for using you even now to clear my conscience, but I needed to tell you. This may sound narcissistic, but I needed to tell you in person so I could be alone with you and have all of your attention on me," I admitted.

There was a lot of silence then. I swore the air was electric with tension, but that must have all been in my head. Merlin looked calmer than a cat on a windowsill… save for the abnormally large breaths he was taking.

"All of my attention on you?" he asked, his voice quiet but not as calm as his body language. I nodded.

"That's what I've wanted from the beginning," I answered, my voice automatically lowering to meet his volume. Merlin nodded. He looked down where I still had his hand. He brought his other hand up and ran it over mine. My grip loosened until he was able to hold my hand between the two of his. He seemed to be toying with my fingers to pass time.

"Well then I must confess too," he finally spoke up again. He kept his eyes down. "I used you too. I know I said I forgave you instantly…. But truthfully, I may have been a bit cross with you. It's true you looked worried when it happened… but you never came to check on me, and my family didn't get much to help with the recuperation. My father's anger at your family really did rub off on me for awhile…"

I frowned. So Merlin really hadn't forgiven me so graciously. I tried to pull my hand from his, but he held it tighter and pulled it closer to himself.

"But I chose to come live in the city for the chance to meet you, to remind myself why I'd liked you before. When I met Mordred, I knew him as a sweet kid before I ever knew who he was. When he told me his last name, I recognized him and used him to get to you. It's true, that my first impression of you left a bad taste in my mouth, though. You talked to me like I was some ruddy video game that wouldn't do what you wanted," Merlin continued, his head lowering ever so slightly.

"And then you kept coming back… and I realized that to understand what a Pendragon truly tastes like… you have to experience it more than once. You're sort of an acquired taste," and here Merlin let out a chuckle.

"And what do I taste like?" I asked. I felt like that question, and this conversation, could very quickly be taken into a very dark and dirty place that I wasn't sure I should cross into without permission. Merlin blushed and smiled a bit.

"I liken you to Cool Ranch Doritos," he admitted. I couldn't help but smile in curiosity.

"Excuse me?" I asked. Merlin returned to toying with my fingers. Maybe he had a nervous habit.

"Well, I used to think they had too much flavor on them and I had to eat them really slow, but now I can eat four or five pieces at a time and still not think the flavor is overwhelming," Merlin explained. "I think you're kind of like that. People have to get used to your 'flavor', your personality. You don't always know how to act around people… and you get nervous, so you get angry and defensive. I think, after awhile, you just made it a permanent part of your person. If I helped you get through even a little of that, well then… I'm happy."

Merlin looked up and smiled at me. His cold, misty blue eyes looked at me with no form of glass between us. They moved back and forth every few moments as if trying to decide where to look. I closed my fingers around his hand and his eyes darted down briefly.

"I-," I began but found my voice trapped in my throat. Merlin's features changed ever so slightly and I could tell he was debating whether or not he'd really heard me speak.

"Arthur? Is there something else?" he asked, stepping closer. My breath caught in my throat and yet I somehow managed to breathe. I felt light headed and my heart beat like my first time on stage. On the outside, I was, of course, the same as always. I had stopped moving much, but my breathing was normal and I wasn't shaking. I lowered my gaze and looked back up quickly. Merlin was still waiting for me to answer.

"Merlin," I began. He tilted his head and waited. I took a deep breath that finally felt like it cleared my insecurities. "Merlin, it took me a week without you to finally put words to my emotions…" I pushed Merlin back until he was pressed gently against the door. "Now that everything else is out in the open… I just wanted to tell you that I love you and I want to be with you until the day you get sick of me and my horrible prat ways. And I want to give you everything you'll ever want and keep you happy, and use every day until the day I die to prove I care and that I deserve you."

It was more romantic and serious than I had ever been off-stage, but it was the whole hearted truth. I hadn't known Merlin as long as Morgana. I hadn't even known him the length of time it takes to get used to a new pet, and yet I knew he was the only one for me. I was addicted and I never wanted to go through rehab. A week of cold-turkey was murder… I wanted Merlin with every conscious thought, with every beat of my no-good, love-retarded heart. I just needed him to love me too.

"Until the day I die," Merlin breathed out. He looked like he was remembering a dream or a distant, beloved memory. He smiled at me through that fantasy mist and gave one quick nod. He reached one of his hands up behind my head to feel my hair and hold me still. Then he moved slowly toward me, being careful of where he went. I caught what he was trying to do and I smiled.

I leaned in and captured his lips with my own. He pressed back against me with fervor and ran his hand down my shoulder and back up. Over and over he did this until I released his other hand to hold myself up off of him. I caressed his face with my thumb as I held his cheek like it was something fragile.

My mouth left his lips and worked down his jaw and throat. He let out little breaths, but no restrictions. When I reached his collarbone, I hesitated. I could feel his hands moving. One was tugging at the buttons on my shirt, the ones that were just for show. The other was rattling against the wall behind him. That's when I remembered it wasn't a wall. His hand turned and we fell back through the doorway and landed on the floor in his room.

I let out a short cry of shock. He let out a groan as I landed on him. That's when we both started to laugh under our breaths. I smiled and pushed up off of him so he could breathe unhindered. I kissed him again while I felt both his hand pulling up on my shirt. A jolt of excitement and freedom rushed through me. As usual, everything Merlin wanted to say came through in his actions. He nodded between kisses as his hands slowly exposed my skin.

"Are you sure about that?" I asked, breathlessly.

"Arthur, I'd be more than happy to be with you," he replied. His voice was steadier than mine, but I knew he was just as nervous as I was.

My shirt still clung to one of my arms and my neck, but I ignored it. I lifted him up off the ground and moved to put him on the bed. It was harder than I thought and I tripped on the way, but I managed to get him there. He was laughing at me and I was smiling about it, myself. Then he kissed me again, and I'd like to keep the rest to myself, you dirty little voyeurs. Go get your own, passionately romantic moments, perverts. Damn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 18 – Horrible Tease:
> 
> If you have a younger sibling with any sort of reverence for you or any kind of energy, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's those moments when some bundle of excitement lands on you, giving you a bloody heart attack, and bounces up and down to wake you up.
> 
> When I got out into the living room, I was half-naked…, but I bet my entire movie salary that I looked damn sexy standing there. I felt myself smirk a little at that thought.
> 
> "I think it's about time you headed home. Your mother is probably worried sick about you, and I hope you didn't skip work for this," Gaius scolded.
> 
> "You honestly want to hear about the going ons and the sex life of a gay couple?... or even of a straight couple?"
> 
> "Not the details, but if you've had sex, I'd like to know that."
> 
> "He doesn't know yet," I said.
> 
> "Not that there's anything wrong with being gay," Gwen spoke up. This must be a nervous habit of hers.
> 
> "Funny, that's not what he said."


	18. Horrible Tease

Early morning visits. If you have a younger sibling with any sort of reverence for you or any kind of energy, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's those moments when you're peacefully deep in sleep and then some bundle of excitement lands on you, giving you a bloody heart attack, and bounces up and down to wake you up. Mordred had only ever done this to me once before, and he was much younger than he is now, but this was not Mordred I was talking about.

The 'bundle of energy' that woke me up was a firm hand over my mouth and a grip pulling roughly on my arm. I tried to complain, but my voice was stuck behind the hand. I glared up at whoever was touching me and saw Gaius.

Okay, I'll admit it. I was seriously freaked out and confused about what Gaius was doing in my room at first. I'm not above admitting my mistakes… in my head. But then I remembered where I was and in whose bed I was laying. I gave Gaius a nod and he removed his hand. He motioned for me to follow him, so I slowly nudged my way from under the mass of blankets Merlin had and found something to wear.

After pulling on some trousers, I looked over at Merlin still lying in the bed. He looked so peaceful and yet his hair made it look like he'd been tossing and turning in his sleep. Well, he'd definitely been tossing and turning, but he wasn't asleep for it. I felt a pressure in my chest and placed my hand over it. It was heavy, but only in my chest, unlike the entire body weight I'd felt when I was guilt-ridden. I let out a sort of tired, awe-struck gasp and closed my eyes. I felt so out of character with emotion. I bent by the bed and let my eyes run over his face, just reveling in the memory of what I'd done.

When I got out into the living room where Gaius was, I was half-naked… I mean, I wasn't wearing a shirt. Gaius gave me a once over. My hair probably looked akin to wind-blown and I was still wearing that necklace, but I bet my entire movie salary that I looked damn sexy standing there. I felt myself smirk a little at that thought.

"So I take it you've made up," Gaius spoke up, reminding me why I was out of bed.

"Definitely," I said. I almost said 'obviously' but decided that wasn't the best thing to say around Gaius. He was decidedly one of those mother-hen types, and I didn't want to tick him off. "Actually, maybe you should ask Merlin. I'm rather curious what he'd say."

"Don't get smart with me, young man," Gaius grunted out, but I didn't sense much anger. "I just found you naked in my nephew's room, in his bed. As his caregiver, I have all rights to throw you out, but since you're a friend I won't… especially since I know how both of you feel – the life of a psychologist."

"Um… Thanks?" I tried, unsure what the right answer was. Gaius sighed and nodded, more to himself than to me. He turned around, and I saw a plate of food sitting on the table. It had some chicken and mashed potatoes on it. I frowned. Oh, Gaius had been coming to fetch Merlin for lunch. Oops?

"Never you mind," he said. "But I think it's about time you headed home. Your mother is probably worried sick about you, and I hope you didn't skip work for this."

"I'm a good little boy, Gaius. I don't skip work, and I'll go call mommy right now," I replied in a mock child's voice.

"Oh hush," Gaius ordered, but even he couldn't help but laugh at me. I grinned, mission accomplished, and headed back to Merlin's room.

Merlin was still asleep on the bed, his upper torso uncovered by my slipping out. I smiled and walked over to him. His hair felt soft and gentle through my fingers, nothing like the dampness I'd felt only a short while ago – or it was short to me, but it was already lunch time. How long had we slept?

I moved away from Merlin and his hair to find my clothes. I could have sworn I'd thrown them all into a semi-pile, but apparently my aim gets off when _I'm_ getting off. I finally managed to snag my shirt off the floor when Merlin stirred on the bed.

"Arthur?" he asked. I walked over and knelt by the bed.

"Here," I said. "Gaius has some food for you in the other room and my mom is probably wondering where I am for lunch, so I'm heading out… okay?"

"Okay," Merlin agreed, but he looked disappointed. I smiled, ruffled his hair, and kissed his forehead.

"Don't give me that look," I teased. "I'll see you tomorrow. I won't do anything, though. You need time off."

"Lunch?" Merlin asked enthusiastically. He looked happier already. I smiled.

"Lunch it is," I agreed. I kissed Merlin's nose. "See you."

"Bye," Merlin said. I heard him stretching and slowly getting up as I left the room. Gaius gave me a slightly warning look as I made my way out of the door, fully dressed and running my fingers through my hair. Oops. I should probably wear my beanie and sunglasses around here next time or I might draw my business life into my personal life. Making sure not to be seen, I slipped into my car and drove off down the road.

* * *

"Listen, Morgana, you may be my new best friend and all, but that doesn't mean you must be privy to everything in my social life."

"Does too, especially when it involves your first love."

"You honestly want to hear about the going ons and the sex life of a gay couple?... or even of a straight couple?"

"Not the details, but if you've had sex, I'd like to know that." Morgana sounded way too excited for my tastes.

"Well forget it. My personal life is officially not up for discussion," I said definitively and moved to a rack of clothes far away from her.

"You knew I'd ask if you came shopping with me, so you obviously want me to know," Morgana pointed out. I frowned.

"Of course I _want_ you to know," I said. "But I'm trying to keep it a secret for once."

"Save that for the paparazzi. If you tell me it'll make it easier to keep because you'll know you can talk to me whenever," Morgana said, pulling something halfway out of the rack I was examining. "Arthur, there is no way you're actually contemplating these sweaters, right? I hope you're just trying to look busy to throw me off topic because they're hideous."

"How do you know I'm not trying to buy my father a Christmas gift?" I asked, a clear smugness to my voice. Morgana gained a glint in her eyes too.

"Well if that's the case, I'd say buy the whole rack. It'll be more in fashion than anything else he wears," she said.

I laughed. "You're funny sometimes, Morgana."

"So you'll tell me what happened with you and Merlin this morning?"

"No. But you can know it was fun."

"You're a horrible tease."

"Funny, that's not what _he_ said." I smirked in triumph at the look Morgana got. She looked absolutely stunned and pulled somewhere between fangirl happiness for the possibilities and the depressing, begging desire to know what happened. "Yep. Keep guessing," I said and moved to a new rack with clothes that had some actual taste to them. Morgana was not pleased.

* * *

"Arthur?" Merlin asked, standing up from a previously lax position against the wall of his house. He looked around, blind eyes searching through sunglasses.

"Right here," I called. "Damn, how did you know it was me?"

"Who else would stop here?" Merlin asked. He stepped toward me, and I stepped more toward him, closing the distance between us and wrapping my arms around him. "Plus, I could hear your necklace."

"Right. I knew that," I lied and pulled away. I always forgot the whistle around my neck was helping him. I just always knew he wanted me to wear it. I pulled away from our embrace and planted a quick kiss on his lips. "There's someone I want you to meet."

Merlin's expression became confused and then pleasantly curious. It was good to know at least one of us was excited about this. I turned toward where I'd parked my car and waved to the people standing next to it. Gwen was the first to move. She nearly sprinted over. She stopped in front of us and bowed, though I'm sure I remember telling her Merlin was blind.

"Hello. I'm Guinevere, but my friends call me Gwen," she introduced, just as she had to Mordred. Merlin held out his hand and she took it. He smiled.

"Nice to meet you, Gwen," he said. Gwen broke into a happy smile. I imagined her nickname being used by a stranger brought her a bit more happiness after her incident with Mordred. Lancelot strode up next to Gwen, looking nervous, and held his hand out.

"Uh, hi. I'm Lancelot," he said. I moved Merlin's hand over to Lancelot's, and Lancelot blushed. "Oh, right."

"Lancelot?" Merlin asked, looking half pleased and half shocked. It wasn't quite awe, but I could see he wanted to laugh. "I've heard so much about you." Merlin looked over to me, more as an indication than to actually look at me.

"Oh? Good things, I hope," Lancelot laughed nervously. He was probably remembering that only about a week ago I'd admitted to hating him my entire life and was most definitely wondering what things I'd told Merlin.

"Of course. I've heard your perfect," Merlin assured, nodding. He was beaming now. I shoved him lightly. He was teasing me.

"Perfect?" Lancelot looked at me in confused awe. "I wouldn't say that, but thank you."

"Who? Me or Arthur?" Merlin asked.

"I… I suppose both," Lancelot said, nodding to us each in turn. He smiled now, definitely in my direction. "So I hear you're my cousin's… um…"

"Boyfriend," Gwen assisted. She was still smiling sweetly. "I'm so happy for Arthur. When I first met him, he looked so lonely."

"Lonely?" I interjected. I'd looked fakely pleased and maybe nauseous, but lonely?

"And Lancelot told me that Arthur's never had a good relationship… so I'm really pleased to see he's got someone now," Gwen continued, ignoring me. Merlin smiled and tilted his head curiously.

"Are you… American?" he asked. Gwen laughed softly and blushed… I think.

"Yeah. Is it that obvious?" she asked. Merlin shrugged.

"Only a little. So when are you two getting married?"

"Oh my. Seems Arthur really has been talking about us," Lancelot said. "We're uh, we're hoping for Spring – April, more specifically. The venue is being a bit tough though, so we may have to move it."

"Or we could always have a private wedding, of course. Not that there's anything wrong with a big wedding or anything," Gwen stuttered.

We must have looked odd to the people who lived around here. Merlin, who usually had no company, was standing in his front yard with two strikingly handsome men, one wearing a red and orange beanie and one wearing his hair back in a ponytail, and a beautiful young woman who was not only too pretty to be from this part of England but was also holding fast to the arm of the man with his hair pulled back. If Gaius were home, the picture would only look odder. We didn't need to throw crazy old Gaius into the mix.

"Wow, so I'm still shocked that you're dating," Lancelot commented to me. "And to another man, no less! Oh, what does your father think?"

"He doesn't know yet," I said.

"Not that there's anything wrong with being gay," Gwen spoke up. I was starting to get the feeling this must be a nervous habit of hers. Was she that nervous about hurting someone's feelings or seeming weird?

"Right," Merlin agreed. "I suppose meeting the parents might be the next step for both of us."

"I have to meet your father again?" I asked warily, rubbing my jaw. It still hurt from the memory of our last encounter.

"I won't let him hit you again," Merlin said. I saw Gwen and Lancelot turn shocked gazes on me. I ignored them. "But hey, I invited him and mother over for Christmas Eve dinner. You should join us."

"Ah, I'd love to," I started. "But I'll have to check my schedule. I shouldn't be working then, but if something gets behind, we may have to run overtime."

Merlin frowned, and I could tell he'd been planning on asking me over for that long before I got in my car this morning. I frowned too. It wasn't like I didn't want to go. Sometimes work just took priority.

"I'm sure filming will goes as planned. Arthur hasn't even hurt anyone lately – not even on accident!" Lancelot tried to be helpful. "And Merlin, you should come over to Arthur's house soon. Let us know when and Gwen and I will stand alongside you as support."

"Hold that thought," I said, jumping in. "Who said Merlin would be meeting my parents anytime soon?"

"You did," Merlin said.

"I did?"

"Yep."

"When did I say we should do it soon?"

"Just now."

Merlin tried to look curiously innocent, as though him looking like that would change my memory and make me think I truly had suggested it. I gave Merlin a stern look, but its effect was lost in his cloudy blue eyes. I had to sigh. I just couldn't win, could I? Merlin pat me on the back in understanding and comfort. I shrugged.

"Alright," I conceded. "Fine, but we'll try to keep it short… and we do it after Christmas."

"Okay," Merlin said.

"Whatever you want," Lancelot said.

Gwen clasped her hands together and smiled proudly. "I'm so excited."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 19 – On the Town:
> 
> "I have a problem," I began.
> 
> "That's nothing new."
> 
> "Christmas is next week and I have nothing for Merlin."
> 
> Having tabloids claim I was chasing Morgana wasn't the worst thing I could imagine. We turned heads and I saw one camera flash within the walk it took to get to the first promising store. We left it with nothing but a few camera shots for Morgana's Facebook and one shot from a paparazzi we pretended not to see.
> 
> "This is the best place in town to find whatever it is you're looking for. I might even say there's no place else for us to go but here," she said. "Now are you in or out?"
> 
> "It is not coincidence that you chose to come into my store of all places, young Pendragon. Destiny leads us all down the right path… one way or another," he said while he kept snickering under his breath like he knew something you didn't.
> 
> "How do you know about Merlin?" Morgana asked.
> 
> "Such things are rudimentary, Child. Such things I do know about," he said, releasing my arm and backing away.
> 
> "Alright, let's do this."


	19. On the Town

"I have a problem," I began.

"That's nothing new."

"Oh shut it, Morgana. I'm being serious."

"I know, but it's just so much fun to tease you." Morgana pulled her jacket off of the chair she was using to watch my filming. She slipped it on and pulled her hair out of it, then looked at me with a charming smile. "How can I help?"

"Christmas is next week and I have nothing for Merlin," I said. Morgana's face fell and then she smiled again, even brighter than before.

"Alright, let's do this."

And that was how it all began. Well not really. Really, it started when I was sitting in Merlin's room watching a movie, and Merlin made a comment about how he really hoped I liked the gift he'd somehow managed to get me in the five minutes we weren't together. Honestly, Merlin managed to complete work, personal time with me, and squeeze in other outings on the side. And trust me, I took up a large amount of time slots. Merlin must be a magician to pull all of it off!

So Morgana and I parked her car near the end of one of the busiest streets in all of Camelot. It was called Dragon Street and was comprised of a plethora of shops that sold the widest, best quality for the best price, selection of items. All the shops were in some part owned by the man who named the street itself, the one and only Draco Burns – not the name his mother gave him. But enough of an economy lesson.

"You honestly believe we'll be able to just meander through all those shops without a single person noticing and with no paparazzi stalking us through the shelves?" I ask skeptically. Morgana almost snorted.

"Of course not. I'm a woman, not an idiot. We're bound to be noticed. Tomorrow, the news will probably claim we're dating or something, but it doesn't matter. This is the best place in town to find whatever it is you're looking for. I might even say there's no place else for us to go but here," she said. "Now are you in or out?"

When I thought on it, having tabloids claim I was chasing Morgana wasn't the worst thing I could imagine. It wouldn't be so bad, and Merlin would understand I had no interest in her so it worked out there as well. I shrugged.

"In," I submitted.

But when I'm right, I'm right. Even with me wearing sunglasses, Morgana wearing a sunhat, and both of us dressed in street clothes, we turned heads and I saw one camera flash within the walk it took to get to the first promising store. I forced Morgana passed the perfume, candle, and lotion store, and passed the store dedicated to lingerie. She teased me and suggested I buy something 'sweet and seductive' for Merlin from that undergarment store, but I got giggles, instead of horny, at the thought.

We were laughing the whole way through the first male clothing shop, suddenly finding the simplest things hilarious. The buttons on one of the shirts was weird. The pattern on that one was wild. Look, the little boy clothes were so tiny! We left that store unsuccessful and with the owner watching us like we were a couple of pot smokers.

We tried a jewelry and accessory shop after that and pretended to be shopping for Morgana. She tried on tons of bracelets, hair pins, necklaces, and sunglasses. I saw a pair I thought Merlin could wear, but he didn't seem to care much if his glasses were special, plus that would only bring attention to his eyes and would probably throw a wrench into his normal lifestyle. Again, we left with nothing but a few camera shots for Morgana's Facebook and one shot from a paparazzi we pretended not to see.

"I really thought we'd get somewhere with that one," Morgana said as we stood on the sidewalk and tried to see which store to jump into next.

"Yeah, but Merlin's not really a flashy kind of person. I think I'd be better suited to find him accessories from a wiccan store or something. He's more… rustic and earthy. Understand?" I asked, not entirely sure I was making sense to her. She'd never met Merlin, so she didn't really know what he was like at all.

"Well there is a mineral store in the middle somewhere. They sell all kinds of 'natural' stuff. Maybe he'd enjoy that?" Morgana suggested. She pointed vaguely to her left.

"Maybe… but let's try the store with the gaudy sign first. It looks like it'll be good for a laugh," I said.

Morgana turned to look and she laughed just seeing it. The sign was big, bright, and orange. It read 'Alchemistique' in outlined green florescent bulbs that were currently turned off. Morgana tugged on my shirt sleeve to catch my attention and then pulled me down ever so slightly so my ear was semi-level with her mouth. She cupped her hand over her mouth as though she was conveying some national secret.

"No offense… but you're so much more fun now that you're gay," she said. I was torn between being severely offended and mildly touched.

"I'm pleased to know I'm entertaining you. Shall we go, then?" I asked.

"After you," she teased, holding her hand out in a 'you first' gesture. I took her hand in mine and crossed the street, safely of course, to head into the outrageously colored store.

* * *

So some of you may be wondering… why on Earth did I want to delay going to a store that sounded like the perfect place to get something for my guy. Well, I honestly don't know. The wacky, tripped out store didn't look like it would have anything appealing to Merlin at all and yet I felt we just had to go in. Maybe it was destiny… at least… that's what Draco Burns told me.

"It is not coincidence that you chose to come into _my_ store of all places, young Pendragon. Destiny leads us all down the right path… one way or another," he said…. Or something like that. It was a bit hard to take him seriously enough to remember what he was saying when he just kept snickering under his breath like he knew something you didn't. Honestly, did I have something funny on my face? Oh… maybe it was the way I was looking at him – in complete shock and disbelief, and if I speak truthfully… a bit of disgusted disappointment.

When I imagined Draco Burns, I didn't exactly imagine the prim and prestige of business, after all he'd changed his name to something wacky like 'Draco Burns' and his streets were lined with menageries, but this was definitely not what I'd pictured.

I'd assumed Draco to be a sort of internal designer, I suppose. I expected him to have a stylish but superior, fun yet intelligent and dignified way about himself and his abode. This man was…. How to put it…. Insane? Inane? Impossible?

He looked old, old enough to be my grandfather at least, and dressed in so completely obviously fake reptile prints. Oh god… I could tell the difference! He was as tall as a house and had beastly claws. Okay, you know I'm exaggerating. But honestly, who sharpens their nails to points in high society? No one in my line of work… that I had met, at least. But I stand by his height. He must have been seven feet tall.

In short? I wouldn't want to meet this guy in a dark alley. He looked as strong as a bear.

And yet he had this childishly cunning smile. I almost got the feeling he'd lured me into his store or had put some magical spell on me to draw me in, but that was ridiculous, right?

"Um, I apologize, Mr. Burns. I'm not sure what you're talking about. I'm just going shop to shop looking for something for my b-….. for my friend. For Christmas, you understand? Besides, I don't really believe in destiny," I said, trying to back away to pretend to look at a stand until I could get out of there. But this guy wouldn't leave me be and I couldn't break eye contact.

"Please, call me John," he said. I glanced at Morgana, who, thankfully, looked as confused as me.

"John?" I asked.

"Yes. It's my true name. John Hurt, but that sounds so painful… I figured Draco Burns fit me much more properly… besides, I've always had such a thing for dragons, and you know that's what Draco means… correct?" he was talking and examining his nails at the same time. Do you know how menacing that looked?

"Well Mr. Hurt, it was truly a pleasure meeting you, but I really must be going. I have lots to get to today," I tried again, but he grabbed my hand, miraculously not tearing into my arm with his nails.

"But you won't find what you seek on my streets, oh no," he said, his voice sounding both creepily wise and understandably stupid. "Does your man not need a new set of _eyes_?"

"What?" Morgana asked, stepping up to put something between us. "How do you know about Merlin's eyes?"

"Morgana!" I scolded. She was such a terrible secret keeper. John raised a curious eyebrow at her and then smile deviously at me.

"Such things are rudimentary, Child. Such things I do know about. Now take my word, Arthur Pendragon. Do not waste your time in my shops when a doctor is what you need," he said, releasing my arm and backing away. He bowed his head to us both and then disappeared into the back of his shop.

"Um… c-can I help you with anything, Sir?" the girl behind the counter asked. She kept glancing toward the back room, which was only closed off by a curtain, as though afraid Mr. Hurt would return. She looked almost as startled and confused as Morgana, and I was sure I looked no better.

"Oh, no thank you. Sorry for bothering you," Morgana said. She nodded to the girl, regained her composure, and then led me from the shop. I managed to get a mask on by the time we got outside, but in no way was I composed on the inside.

"What the bloody hell was that all about?" I asked in an annoyed whisper as we walked down the street.

"How should I know? I don't even know if that was the real Draco Burns or just some guy pretending," Morgana whispered back.

"And how in the name of God did he know about Merlin's eyes?"

"I don't know, Arthur! I'm probably more freaked out and confused than you are!" she growled and yet kept quiet. We didn't want to attract attention.

We stopped walking and both took a deep breath. Then I sighed in annoyance again. I motioned to what was in front of us and then looked at Morgana expectantly.

"Why are we at the car?" I asked lazily. "Are we honestly leaving because some weird old man told us too?"

Morgana shrugged. "Apparently," she said as she unlocked her car. We both may have been wondering why we were doing it, but we both also got in the car without a fuss and headed home without a word. Honestly, I really did feel like I was under some kind of spell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 20 – The Issue of Christmas:
> 
> It was one thing to tell my mother, she was always so understanding. It was another ordeal entirely to tell my father I wouldn't be home for Christmas dinner… much less explain why. Dad would murder me.
> 
> "Father, I'm gay." Maybe that wasn't the best way to start.
> 
> "Childish ignorance on my part, but I assure you, it was a series of badly placed objects and guilt ridden happenstance."
> 
> Balinor talked very little to me, but he stayed in conversation with his wife and son.
> 
> "Your family wasn't upset that you spent the evening with us, I hope."
> 
> I pulled a card from my inside jacket pocket and placed it in his hands. "I want you to have some time to think about it, so ask your mom to read it to you when you get back to your house."
> 
> "What did the letter say? You said it was big."


	20. The Issue of Christmas

It was one thing to tell my mother, she was always so understanding. Not to mention, she knew all about what I was into these days and the reasons I'd become so sweet, boarder-line romantic, and camera-shy, boarder-line hermit for an actor of my standing. Mom was on my side and I knew it. It was another ordeal entirely to tell my father I wouldn't be home for Christmas dinner… much less explain why.

'Oh, right. I'm going to leave all of you Christmas evening to go hang out with my boyfriend and meet his parents, properly, for the first time. Oh, yeah. Did I mention his dad used to work for you until he developed a hatred for the Pendragon name because of me accidentally blinding his son? Yea. He hit me and I didn't even do anything about it.'

Dad would murder me.

'I'm going to meet a friend's family.' He'd never believe just that. He'd ask a million questions. I needed something better.

"Father, I'm gay." Maybe that wasn't the best way to start. He looked up from his computer in utter confusion. Before he could say anything, I continued. "Along with that confession, I thought I should inform you that I will not be attending Christmas dinner with you and the family."

"And why wouldn't you?" he asked. I could hear his upset disappointment. He had that long-standing belief that family should be with family on holidays, very few exceptions applying. "You have something better to do?"

"This one time, yes. Actually, I do. I'm going to be meeting with my friend's parents. One works the movie scene, like I do. The mom, I'm not entirely sure," I said. "This meeting is important to me, so I-"

"You're not going," Father decided, looking back at his work.

"I am," I said. I stood taller as though that added to my point. My father looked up at me again, this time glaring.

"You are not, and that's the end of it. I won't allow you to spend such an important holiday with complete strangers. You will spend it with your mother and I, and that is final," he said.

"You're right. I will – for the morning and better part of the day. But no matter what you say, I'm going to dinner with them. This is important to me," I tried again. I watched the gears move in my father's mind and saw how he grew angry.

"Damn it, Arthur! What has gotten into you? Since when do you argue with me this way? Since when do you think it okay to leave your family on a holiday? This is not the man I raised you to be," he half growled. Now it was my turn to glare.

"Then I have risen above and beyond the man you wanted me to become, Father. I'm spending Christmas dinner with his family, and I won't be swayed by your disapproval. I'm an adult and can spend my holiday with whomever I choose, and I choose him. And _that_ , Father, is what is final," I snapped. Then, without waiting for his reply, I left his office. I hoped I'd left him stunned and that he wouldn't follow me. Just to be sure, however, I grabbed Mordred and yelled that we were going for ice cream. With that, I left the homestead and descended the floors with Mordred confused and yet strangely pleased with the turn of events.

* * *

Standing outside the restaurant was pretty much … boring. I expected to be nervous beyond compare, or maybe upset at the idea of meeting Balinor again. Yet I found myself standing just outside the door to the restaurant feeling more bored than anything. I'd arrived half an hour early. It had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now I was wishing I'd showed up five minutes late if anything.

About the time I saw Merlin rounding the corner, the first flakes of snow began to fall around me. I jumped and stared up at the sky. I hadn't even noticed the clouds moving across the evening sky. When I looked back down, an older woman was walking with her hand on Merlin's shoulder. That must be his mother.

Before Balinor could complete his own journey around the corner, I moved inside the restaurant. No use letting him see me and bolting before this even began. I watched them as best I could as they neared the door and then held it open for them.

"Welcome," I greeted. Merlin smiled up at me and touched my hand as he moved past me into the restaurant. His mother smiled politely and didn't even double take. Wow. I guess my hat was helping. Balinor, however, didn't look at me at all. Good thing too. He probably thought I was just the help. Good.

"We have a reservation," his mother said when she got to the host stand.

"Name?" the hostess asked.

Balinor was like a shield between me and the others. He blocked them almost entirely from view, and whatever conversation Merlin's mother and the hostess were having was muted under Balinor's conversation with a waiter who happened to walk by. He was asking where the bathroom was, and the answer was probably longer than the actual journey to get to it.

By the time Balinor's waiter was done stuttering over his answer, Merlin and his mother were already halfway to the table. Balinor thanked the waiter in a gruff voice and then walked calmly over to his family. I had to stay behind him or I'd be rushing over.

"Your server this evening is Jonas. He'll be with you shortly. Have a great meal," the hostess said her preprogrammed lines and left us all to return to her station.

Balinor took his seat, and I went around the table to sit directly opposite him. He looked put off for a second, and then he really looked at me. Now he looked blatantly upset.

"What do you think you're doing here, Pendragon? This is our family Christmas meal," he said, keeping his voice low to avoid causing a scene. I mentally thanked him for that. I looked over at Merlin, put my hand over his and then returned my gaze to Balinor.

"I was invited here," I said pleasantly. Balinor looked more upset over our touching hands than over my simply being there. "Please don't let me ruin your Christmas. I just wanted to meet you and your lovely wife properly."

I smiled over at Merlin's mother. She smiled back with a slightly flustered and flattered expression on her face. She put her hand out to me over the corner of the table. I took it in my own and we shook.

"Hunith," she introduced herself. "Merlin told me about you when he came to visit. I'm sorry about what happened between you and Merlin all those years ago."

"You're sorry?" Balinor asked. "He caused it."

"Childish ignorance on my part, but I assure you, it was a series of badly placed objects and guilt ridden happenstance," I said, speaking mostly to Hunith. "Merlin and I have spoken about it and we have both finally forgiven me."

That statement seemed to confuse Balinor, and he said nothing. He was probably mulling over the idea of me forgiving myself. Good. That's what I'd hoped for. Merlin turned his hand over to hold mine briefly before we pulled apart to prepare ourselves for dinner. I had more preparation than Merlin because I had to be the proper young man I'd been raised to be and put everything in its proper position. I felt rather silly about it when I was finished. No one else around the table organized where their silverware sat.

"So Merlin tells me you two met again through your brother," Hunith began again. "Your brother is a big reader?"

"Oh yes. Annoyingly so. He's smarter than me and hardly more than half my age. Still, he's the best brother I could ask for. I complain about him a lot, but when it really matters, he's always on my side. I actually started to realize just how close we are last month. I never thought I'd see the day when I would tell people I was glad to have him as a brother," I admitted.

"That's so sweet. I always wanted to give Merlin a sibling, but it seems I was only meant to have one child," Hunith lamented. "Still, Merlin has been nothing but a blessing these last nineteen years. I wouldn't change one thing about him. I love him just the way he is and always has been."

"I couldn't agree with you more," I said. I smiled. Hunith was smiling at Merlin in a way that made me certain she was caressing him with her eyes. In a way it was endearing. However, it was also a tad creepy.

"Well I can think of one thing I'd like for Merlin," Balinor spoke up.

"Dear, not now, please," Hunith asked, putting her hand on her husband's. She gave him a loving look, and I swore Balinor melted right in front of me. He seemed to literally deflate and relax.

The rest of dinner went surprisingly well. Balinor talked very little to me, but he stayed in conversation with his wife and son. I was most surprised by Merlin. Part of me, despite taking him out to lunch on various occasions and seeing how well he could handle himself in the world, still expected him to require some help. However, only once did Hunith have to tell him where his drink was when he was aiming to grab too far to the left. I wondered if all blind people were as skilled at seeming… not-blind as Merlin was or if this was just his own ability. I'd never met another blind person before, or none that I could remember.

"So Arthur, your family wasn't upset that you spent the evening with us, I hope," Hunith spoke as we began to exit the restaurant.

"Oh, my father was. He believes holidays should be spent with the family, especially Christmas. But I told him this was important to me and didn't let him convince me to stay home tonight," I explained. I took Merlin's hand in mine and kissed it.

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't flirt with my son in public, Arthur Pendragon. I still don't like the idea of the two of you dating," Balinor said, finally speaking directly to me. I gave him a steady look.

"And I'd appreciate it if you didn't blurt my name out in public. In case you've forgotten, I'm not dressed up like this for my own happiness. I don't want to draw attention," I reminded. "But fine."

The night air was chilly and there was a very light snow coming down. I pulled my jacket close around me but resisted asking Merlin if he needed my help buttoning up. Instead, I chose a slightly different topic of conversation.

"The snow came late this year," I commented.

"Yes. It was rather interesting. Merlin didn't even start bundling up until about two weeks ago," Hunith replied. Then she laughed softly. "He's always had a liking to the cold. Sometimes I worry he'd catch pneumonia from it all if his uncle didn't make sure to put a jacket on him when it gets too cold."

"Ah, that wouldn't be nice," I said, smiling over at Merlin. "You'd throw off my whole schedule if you got sick, Merlin. I doubt the producers would accept that I was halting filming to help you get well."

"Are you kidding? I'd kick you out of my house before I let you try that," Merlin joined in. We were both being half serious, but I bet we were the only ones who could tell.

Then, before we could all freeze, we decided it was time to part ways. First, however, I walked the family to their cars. I still had to give Merlin his gift and I hadn't decided it was quite the time yet. We walked up to a sleek white Toyota car that must belong to Hunith because Balinor was perched slightly on the back of a black truck.

"It was a pleasure meeting you, Arthur. I hope we can get together again soon," Hunith said, walking over and hugging me goodbye. After that, she walked over to Balinor and gave him a hug that put mine to shame. She must have held onto him for three whole minutes. I guess that's how much she'd missed him since he'd left her.

"Oh, before I forget. Merlin, I have something for you," I said, quietly and only to Merlin. I pulled a card from my inside jacket pocket and placed it in his hands. "I want you to have some time to think about it, so ask your mom to read it to you when you get back to your house."

"Okay. Will I like it?" Merlin asked, holding on securely to my card. He looked up at me with excited expectations. I smiled too and kissed him on the nose.

"I really hope so," I said. We shared a kiss then, a brief and uneventful kiss, but an enjoyable kiss all the same. "Good night. I'll call you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow," Merlin said. I thought, in that moment, how ironic that statement was coming from Merlin. It just added to my grin, though, and I kissed him once more. I waved a goodbye to his parents and actually got a return wave from both of them. With that, I was off to my own car and driving home fast before I could convince myself otherwise.

* * *

"You just left?" Morgana asked incredulously. "What do you mean you just left?"

"You know, Morgana, sometimes I wonder how people consider you smarter than me," I said. That earned me a glare.

"What did the letter say? You said it was a big gift. Did you give him money or something?" Lancelot asked. I shook my head.

We were sitting in my dining room with no one to overhear or bother us. I'd invited them both over for a 'Post-Christmas' brunch. We had tea and I felt overly British, in a very 'pip, pip, tally ho' proprietary way.

"It was a basic, Merry Christmas card with a reindeer on the front. On the inside, the reindeer held a Santa doll and there was a spot for a gift card. I made my own gift card and wrote a message to accompany it," I explained. "The message was two paragraphs of apologies and telling him I cared about him and practically begging, in a very not-begging way of course, that he accept the gift in the card slot."

"Okay, now you're just dragging it out to be dramatic," Morgana complained. "Just tell us what the gift was."

"Yes. I'm anxious to know as well," Lancelot said in that oh so proper grammar and perfectness that was his norm.

"It said 'This card good for one pair of brand new eyes, courtesy of the finest cornea doctor in England'," I announced.

"You… You're giving him…. New eyes?" Morgana asked, shock written all over her face. It slowly melted into a more dreamy look I couldn't place the origin of.

"I'm simply making amends and returning to him the very thing I stole from him," I said. While Morgana's loving look was good, nothing compared to the reply I got out of Lancelot. I think it may have been the best gift I received all season.

"Wow." And that was all he said. I don't know about you, but I considered that a victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 21 – Rejected, Say Yes!
> 
> "We're playing a game," I said.
> 
> "Checkmate. Now we're not," the little brat teased.
> 
> If this was a continuation of our constant battle of self-blame then I rejected this answer! I would reject this rejection!
> 
> Merlin was sitting on his bed, watching me. For the first time ever, it kinda scared me. It was like a horror movie layout. Turn the light on and the killer is watching you. Dun dun dun. But this was Merlin, and he looked more afraid of me than I could be of him.
> 
> "You're scared," I murmured.
> 
> I waited a few moments before I started my assault. I suppose I'll let you in on some of it. I held Merlin tight in my arms and nipped at his neck. His head tilted so I could attach my mouth to new and unmarked places on his skin…


	21. Rejected - Say Yes!

I think I've misled you all. I believe I may have told you at some point that nothing could be more nerve wracking than something I've done until this point, but let me be clear… I have never been more uneasy about getting an answer to a question than I was on the day after Christmas. Merlin hadn't messaged me or called me since dinner, which I suppose was a good thing. I didn't want to confront him about my gift over the phone anyway. Still, it was grating on me. Had they read it yet? Were they angry? Overjoyed? Dumbstruck?

I didn't know and I wasn't about to call.

This time, however, I would not call myself a coward. I wasn't so much scared to call as I wasn't calling on moral grounds. I'd thrown a rather large fish in his boat, if you'll pardon the sailing metaphor. Actually, I might as well have thrown a whale on his boat… and why am I talking in fishing metaphors again?

The point is, I had to give Merlin time to think about my offer. I'd given it to him last night after dinner. It wasn't even noon. There was no way I was about to stick my nose into their discussion and his inner monologue. I wanted to make absolutely certain that he had time enough to think it over before I made any attempt to contact.

"Arthur, you're phone just vibrated," Mordred told me as he let his gaze wander over the chess board between us.

"I'll get it later. We're playing a game," I said. This was partially to avoid the message since I knew it was most definitely from Merlin.

"Checkmate. Now we're not," the little brat teased as he gently tapped my king off the board. I scrutinized the board, making sure he wasn't lying just to get me to check my phone… Alas, I truly had lost the game.

"Fine. But after this message, we're playing again," I decided. Mordred shrugged innocently while I grabbed my phone.

I was right, of course. The message had been from Merlin. I took a deep breath before I clicked to open it. That's when my heart dropped out of my chest and my stomach felt entirely empty. It held only one word.

'No.' And that was all it said.

I reread that one simple word almost ten times. No? He was saying no? To me? If this was a continuation of our constant battle of self-blame then I rejected this answer! I would reject this rejection! Merlin didn't need to keep his blindness for any reason. He deserved to be able to see, and not because I was horrible and tactless, but because he did. Everyone did… the only difference between this situation and the hundreds of millions of other people who needed eye surgery was that Merlin had the opportunity and the resources to follow through on it. He had me! So why was he saying no?

I looked up at Mordred and found him packing away the board and pieces. I grew a curious look on my face.

"Mordred, what are you doing?" I asked, closing my phone and sliding it into my pocket.

"You're going to Merlin's house. I understand. Don't worry. We'll play when you get home," he said. I couldn't help but smile, albeit apologetically.

"Honestly, you have to tell me how you know all of this someday," I said as I ruffled his hair and headed for the door.

"Good luck, whatever it is," I heard him call after me just as the elevator doors closed.

"Thanks," I murmured back, though no one could hear me.

* * *

When I arrived at Merlin's house, his mother was there. Well, at least her car was. Balinor's truck was in the yard, but that didn't necessarily count him out of the equation. I parked by the road as usual and tried to be as quiet as possible when I got out of my car and made my way across the yard. Ah, but apparently being quiet meant nothing for people who could see you.

Hunith opened the front door before I even got onto the porch. She walked quickly over to me, looking upset. At first, I thought she was angry with me, but then she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tight, much tighter than our first hug.

"Thank you," she said. "I know he declined, but the fact that you offered was proof enough for me. Thank you for loving my son so much."

"It's a surprisingly easy thing for me to do," I admitted as she pulled away. I smiled. "If it's alright with you, ma'am, I'm here to try and convince Merlin to accept my offer."

"Oh? Please, go right ahead. He's in his room. I just wanted to catch you before he could realize you were here," she said and walked with me inside.

It was good to know I had his mother's blessing, and this had apparently solidified my feelings in her mind. I rather hoped Balinor had gotten the message too, but I wouldn't know until I saw him again. Oh, speak of the devil – Balinor was sitting on the couch and watching tv. He gave me a passing glare, but then he seemed to prefer to forget I was there than admit my feelings were genuine. I nodded to the back of his head as I reached up and slipped my necklace off.

Hunith regarded me curiously as I held the necklace by the string in my hand and started to gently spin it. When I could begin to hear it, I knew Merlin must be able to as well. I walked up to his door and knocked. I let the necklace stop and the sound cut off almost instantly.

"If this is about the card, I already said no," Merlin spoke through the door. He must be right beside it.

"Merlin, let me in so we can talk," I said.

"You're only here to try and convince me to go through with it. What's there to talk about?"

"Okay fine, you're right. I'm here to tell you to go through with the surgery. But I wouldn't have offered it if I wasn't prepared to convince you of its merits," I pointed out. I tried the handle but it was locked. "Come on, Merlin. Just let me in."

There was a long stretch of silence in which I debated the likelihood that I would be able to ram the door down without injuring my shoulder or pulling a muscle. The door looked pretty solid and sturdy. I would probably sustain more damage than the door.

I heard the click of the lock opening, but the door didn't open. I slowly put my fingers around the handle and wondered if this was an invitation to open it myself? I cast a glance around the room and saw Hunith giving me an encouraging look, but Balinor was still ignoring me. I nodded my thanks to Hunith and slipped into the room.

As was usual in rooms with Merlin, it was dark. The light wasn't on, but I remembered the layout from my last visit and easily found the switch without hurting myself. Merlin was sitting on his bed, watching me. For the first time ever, it kinda scared me. It was like a horror movie layout. Turn the light on and the killer is watching you. Dun dun dun. But this was Merlin, and he looked more afraid of me than I could be of him.

"Why would you turn it down? It's a great opportunity," I said, moving to sit by him. He rolled his eyes.

"Now you sound like my mother," he grunted. "Isn't it enough for me to simply say I don't want it?"

"No," I answered shortly. Obviously it wasn't or we wouldn't be bugging him about the choice, right? "You're not telling me something. Why don't you want it?"

Merlin turned away from me on the bed which made him face the wall that was only a foot away from him. I wondered if he knew how close he was to brushing his nose against the paint. Hm.. if it were a more playful situation, I would have smashed him into it myself. I saw Merlin's shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath.

"It's not self pity, you know. I do want to be able to see again, but I've gotten so used to being blind. I'll be fine like this, really. You don't have to go to such extremes to win me over. I already forgave you and love you," he murmured. I shook my head.

"This isn't about me winning anything. This is about what you deserve as a person, Merlin. You shouldn't have to get 'used to' being blind. You should be able to see with those eyes – those eyes that look right through me and right at me at the same time. You're too kind and too stupid to ask for help with your disability, but that's just another reason I'm offering this to you," I said. I took his hand in mine but he pulled it away.

"Arthur, are you completely insane?" he asked, looking over at me as though the answer had already been given as 'yes'.

"Not the last time I checked, no," I half teased. A smile found its way to my face. Merlin frowned and obviously didn't find me as funny as I found myself.

"Do you know how expensive this surgery is?"

"Ten thousand U.S. dollars, before extra medicine… there about, give or take a thousand or so. I think the price varies depending on the doctor, but the one I checked out charges that amount," I explained. Merlin's jaw dropped.

"There's no way I'm letting you pay for this!" he exclaimed.

"There's no way I'm letting you say no because of a stupid reason like that," I countered.

"It's ten thousand dollars, Arthur. Ten THOUSAND!" I was sure his parents could hear that one.

"What else am I spending it on, Merlin?" I snapped back, finally feeling a tingle of anger over Merlin's stubbornness. "I don't go out. I don't buy a bunch of clothes. I don't go on extravagant vacations, but I make enough money to rival Bill Gates. What do you want me to spend it on if not you? I want to do this. I've thought long and hard about it, and it's what I really want to do. Why can't you just accept that?"

Merlin flinched far too long after my mini-speech for him to be flinching because of me… not unless his hearing suddenly became delayed. Now why was he scared? He looked away, a blush of shame covering his features. He frowned and put his left hand on his right upper arm. He looked really open and young when he did that.

"I… It's just that… You shouldn't… I mean..," he stuttered, and I could tell he was gripping at straws, trying to find another excuse. That's when it dawned on me.

I wrapped my arms around Merlin and pulled him to me until I had his back against my chest and he was basically sitting on my leg. I leaned my head onto his shoulder as best I could.

"You're scared," I murmured. "You're worried the surgery won't work or you won't be compatible. You're frightened about the idea of having a doctor tell you there's no hope for you. Am I right?" I felt him nodded miserably. "You don't have to be. I'll be with you every step of the way and I'll still be by your side even if it doesn't work… and don't worry about the money. I was exaggerating on how much I make, but I do have plenty of it. I promise."

"Okay…," Merlin whispered, leaning his head back toward mine. "I'll do it."

I smiled and kissed his shoulder. He smiled. I shifted to help him get off, and he groaned. Oh, well well. I smirked and moved my mouth as close to his ear as I could. I lowered my voice and whispered as huskily as I could.

"My, is someone feeling a tad bit horny?" I asked, feeling myself swell with narcissistic pride. I'd barely done anything and he was turned on? I must be amazing.

"Arthur," Merlin whined softly. "Don't start this. My parents are in the other room."

Speak of the devil, there was a knock on the door.

"Y-yes?" Merlin called out.

"I was just making sure the two of you were alive in there. Your father and I are going out for a minute. We won't be gone long, so please don't leave the house. I want to know what your final decision is," Hunith called in. I smirked.

"Okay, thank you for letting us know, Hunith!" I called back, giving Merlin a triumphant look. He couldn't see it, but he could apparently tell how I looked by the sound of my voice because he smiled nervously.

I waited a few moments, long enough to hear the front door close and then give them time to drive away, before I started my assault. I suppose I'll let you in on some of it. I held Merlin tight in my arms and nipped at his neck. He let out a primary gasp of shock but then quieted down. His head tilted so I could attach my mouth to new and unmarked places on his skin. My tongue against his trachea made him shiver and moan out loud.

My left hand moved up and rubbed Merlin through his shirt, his nipples I mean. Merlin's head bent forward and he started to pant gently. I considered it a victory when he started to shift against my leg in an attempt for pressure and friction.

"Oh no. This isn't going to be like last time," I breathed out hungrily. I shifted us until I could push him down and pin him to the bed. He looked hot and bothered below me. He was already trying to arch up his hips and chest toward me. "Mmm, something tells me this didn't just happen a few seconds ago," I mused aloud.

Merlin went to a mix between crimson and scarlet. Oh yeah. He'd been thinking about this longer than just our little chat. Now I felt even more successful. I'd been talking and he'd still stayed hormonal. I smiled predatorily and lifted Merlin's night shirt up and over his head.

"Okay, Merlin. Since you insisted so strongly, I suppose I'll just have to pleasure you," I teased. He couldn't blush any darker. It stood out so brilliantly against his skin.

"O-Okay," he huffed out. "But I get to do something for you too this time… and let's do it fast."

"Alright. I can do fast," I said. I cupped his crotch and pressed against him. His breath caught instantly. "How's that feel?"

"Like fire. Stop talking," Merlin grunted and it was hard to tell if he was really enjoying himself or annoyed at me. Chances were high that it was both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 22 – The Pendragon's
> 
> When my father called me into his study a week after Christmas, I was searching my brain for what I could've done wrong in the last two or three days to upset him.
> 
> I spun around on the sidewalk in front of my building and looked back at Merlin. I say 'back at' because he had apparently stopped walking beside me several paces ago. He looked exasperated, but I got the impression he thought I was being cute, not exhausting. I walked over to him and put my hands up as I shrugged.
> 
> "What?" I asked in both words and body.
> 
> "So that's when you realized you were bisexual?" he asked again, stressing the 'bi' in bisexual. Okay, I was pretty sure I saw where this was headed.
> 
> Movies and real life are two different things. How long had I been acting, both on set and off? How much energy had I wasted into this façade?
> 
> "Hey, Mordred," I called, getting his attention off the page. "Where's Merlin?"
> 
> "With dad." He pointed down the hall toward our father's study. I felt instantly cold.


	22. The Pendragon's

"Arthur, can I have a word with you?"

If you've ever been scolded by your parents, you know this isn't really the question you want to hear, but you can't really say 'no' to it either. When my father called me into his study a week after Christmas, I was searching my brain for what I could've done wrong in the last two or three days to upset him. As far as I knew, I'd been pretty much the perfect son these last few days. I hadn't even gone out with Merlin.

"Yes, Father?" I asked, standing just inside the doorway. He beckoned me to sit down in front of his desk and pushed his work to the side. That was odd. Usually father hated being interrupted during his work.

"Arthur, I've been trying to figure out how to bring this up for several days now and…," he trailed off. Now I was trying to figure out what I'd done in the entire last week. "… well, I figured the best way to go about it was just to ask."

"Ask me what, Father?" I asked. I sat down and relaxed in a chair. I had to act cool and natural. Whatever it was that I'd done, I couldn't seem guilty. I crossed my legs and put my hands on my knee. Seem innocent, I told myself.

"Well… That, actually," Father said, pointing at the where my hands and knee were touching. I quickly uncrossed my legs and set my arms on the arms of the chair.

"What do you mean?"

"You never used to sit like that," he said. He looked conflicted. "Now… I know you used to tell me all the time, but refresh my memory… When did you realize you were bisexual?"

"Oh. Uh… I'd say about the time I started realizing there was a difference between the two genders," I replied honestly. I definitely hadn't been expecting this conversation.

"So that's when you realized you were _bi_ sexual?" he asked again, stressing the 'bi' in bisexual. Okay, I was pretty sure I saw where this was headed.

"Yes, sir," I said. "Is that a problem?"

"No. I'm just curious when you decided you were entirely _gay_." I could hear the disapproval building behind his words.

"About two to three months ago," I answered. He looked unimpressed.

"Two or three _months_ ago," he repeated.

"Yep."

"Why the sudden change of taste?" He shuffled things around on his desk just to keep his hands busy.

"More of a change of heart, I think." I leaned a bit to my right, resting my weight on that arm.

"Am I to understand you've taken a fancy to someone?" he asked. I shrugged.

"Perhaps. Would you accept it if I had?"

"No."

"No?"

The air in the room seemed to have thickened in an instant. We stared each other down. He seemed to be trying to break my decision with just his eyes. I was doing the very same back to him. He shifted in his seat. I didn't.

"Arthur, I don't believe you. Someone cannot simply decide one morning that they're gay. You either were or you weren't, and you weren't two or three months ago. Why are you trying to be gay?" he asked. I frowned.

"I'm not _trying_ anything. I was three months ago. I was five years ago. I was from the moment I saw the original James Bond movie and thought he was the sexiest man in movies I'd ever seen. I was then and I am now," I said.

"You just admitted that you realized you were bisexual! Your stories don't match, Arthur. Besides, you've had very good relationships with women before and you have no problem kissing them in your movies," Father half growled.

"Movies and real life are two different things. Not only that, but none of my real relationships ever worked out. They were never fun or even interesting. I dated them because magazines said they were hot and you mentioned them being nice girls. First off, they were not nice girls. They were both crazy. And also, I didn't enjoy kissing them. And for another thing, they only dated me for my name and good looks. I'm so sick and tired of people treating me special just because of who I am!"

"And I was never bisexual! I was deluding myself and trying to be the perfect son you wanted. Since I realized I liked men, I was trying to be as close to perfect for you so I said I was bi. But I'm not! I never have been and I'm tired of trying to force myself to be this golden figurehead that I'm clearly not," I said, my voice rising without me really noticing it.

I hadn't realized how strongly I felt on the subject of my sexuality. But the more I thought about it, the more upset I felt. All those years of my life, wasted not only due to my vanity but also to my self-delusion. I knew I hadn't liked those girls, but I convinced myself they weren't that bad, that they were cute and trendy and good for my image. In truth, I didn't even want them as friends.

How long had I been acting, both on set and off? How much energy had I wasted into this façade?

"And you want me to believe this new interest of yours doesn't like you for your fame and good looks?" my father asked, clearing his throat and fixing his cuffs. He definitely seemed stunned by my outburst, but also didn't look to be changing his opinion of my new identity.

"I'm tired, Father. I'm so tired of all the pretending," I murmured, sinking into my chair. My energy had rushed out of me all at once at the realization of how much I'd been putting into all of my lies. "I won't argue my point with you any longer. Either you accept who I am or you don't. Either way, it won't change my decisions."

I stood from my chair and made my way to the door. I stopped just past the chair and then turned back around. I put my hand on the back of the chair and smiled gently at my father.

"And yes. I want you to believe he's different, because he can't see me and when we first met, he actually hated me," I said. I turned back to the door and took a deep breath. I felt accomplished, having already said my piece.

"Arthur, wait," Father called me back. He sounded much more humble and curious, so I did wait. I looked back at him again. "Sit and talk to me. Tell me about this boy – ah, I mean man."

"You're going to accept this?" I asked, stunned. Father looked down humbly and in embarrassment.

"I lose my temper, Arthur, I know… but it doesn't mean I don't love you or support you. If this boy is who you want to try to make it work with, I'll let the subject die… but I want to know about him. I may let it go, but I still don't want my son dating some hearsay stranger."

I couldn't help but smile. I half hopped over the back of the chair and resituated myself on it, only this time I was leaning forward toward my father.

"Well, first thing you have to know is that he's totally blind," I began, using hand motions and everything. I felt like I was about to tell the greatest epic ever recorded.

"Blind?" Father asked. I saw a bit of realization dawn in him. "The worker from the book shop?"

"That's the one," I said, nodding to him and thanking his good memory. "But if I'm going to tell you everything, I better start the explanations with five years ago…"

* * *

"Okay, just be calm," I said. "If he talks about something you don't understand, just… pretend you get it. Smile and nod. He likes that."

"Arthur."

"Oh, and just call him 'Sir'. He doesn't really much like 'Mr. Pendragon' when he's not at work. He says it makes him feel old."

"Arthur."

"Though, I suppose he is kind of old."

"Arthur!"

I spun around on the sidewalk in front of my building and looked back at Merlin. I say 'back at' because he had apparently stopped walking beside me several paces ago. He looked exasperated, but I got the impression he thought I was being cute, not exhausting. I walked over to him and put my hands up as I shrugged.

"What?" I asked in both words and body.

"Calm down. Do you hear _me_ freaking out?" he asked. I frowned and put my hands on my hips.

"No, but I know you are. You're nearly shaking."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Prove it."

"What am I, a psychic? Shut up. You're just as nervous as I am if not more… probably more all _because_ I'm nervous. Neither of us needs to be freaking out though because there's no reason to be nervous. They all already know you, I mean I think I told my father your entire life story. The point is, I'm only nervous because I've never brought anyone home before – not even my two evil ex-girlfriends. You. You shouldn't be nervous at all because, let's be honest, it's just my parents."

"Arthur."

"Mom's a breeze. She'll probably hug you to death and then take you shopping for a whole new wardrobe."

" _Arthur_."

"You've known Mordred for ages. It's just Dad you need to fret about, and he's already met you once and seems to have taken a liking to you after our chat… but you know what they say. Just because someone _says_ they accept something doesn't mean they do… but still-"

"Arthur!" Merlin scolded. I jumped.

"What?" I asked, completely clueless as to why he was yelling my name.

"You're babbling again. Can we just go in?" he asked, and I swear to God he was the most adorable person I'd ever seen… okay, except for maybe Mordred when the brat brought me breakfast in bed two weeks ago and asked if I was dying. That had been pretty darn cute.

"Yeah, sure," I agreed, relaxing my face and my shoulders. Merlin's cuteness had definitely deflated my anxiety a lot.

I took Merlin's hand and led him into the front lobby. The receptionist smiled and nodded to me while she spoke on the phone. As we got to the elevator, I saw her stop to do a double-take. Yep. Even she was surprised to see me with someone new. Well, _that_ was reassuring. Not really.

* * *

"So, Merlin, I hear you're the man that got my son interested in young adult books."

"Uh, yes, Sir. I guess I did give him a push in that direction… but it was all him, really. I can't force him to like those books… Sir," Merlin stuttered out. I smiled but hid it behind my hand.

"Don't be so modest. Anyone who can make both of my boys so happy deserves a bit of credit, I think," Father praised, raising his glass to sip at his wine.

"Yes, Merlin. Don't be so modest," I teased. He kicked me lightly under the table.

"Dinner was delicious, Mrs. Pendragon," Merlin spoke up, changing the topic of conversation. Clever.

"Why thank you, Merlin. Just wait till you try my dessert. It's Arthur's favorite," Mother said as she began to clear the table of used plates. On a normal basis, everyone but Father cleaned up their own plates, but tonight was special and mother wanted to be more formal… I guess. Really, all I knew was that she told us not to bother cleaning up our plates. It honestly shocked me. No, really.

"Oooh, what's Arthur's favorite?" Merlin asked, almost giddy. I saw Father's eyebrows narrow for a split second in curiousness at the change in Merlin's mood.

"Red velvet cake," Mother said, placing the dirty dishes in the sink and bringing out smaller plates for slices of cake.

"Oh, that sounds delicious, especially since it's your cooking," Merlin said. Oh now he was just buttering her up. Schmoozer. Suck up.

"Actually, Arthur helped me make it. Red Velvet Cake is slightly advanced though, especially from scratch, so he couldn't help all the time, but he did what he could," Mother explained, giving me the credit I deserved. Yes, thank you. I was learning how to cook.

"Merlin, is it hard for you to eat?" Mordred piped up. Oh, I'd almost forgotten he was here. I ruffled his hair. That was the question I'd wanted to ask several times but always thought was too rude. Merlin, however, smiled.

"Just a little bit. It's easier in fancy places where everything has a set spot on the table. In normal restaurants I have to carefully set up my silverware so I'll know where to reach for everything. It's always nice to have someone who can correct me when I wrong, too. That's why I never dine alone. It's easier at home, especially with my uncle making most of the food for me," Merlin explained. "I can't cook elaborate dinners, but I can make simple stuff easy enough… like things that don't go in ovens where I could burn myself."

Merlin grinned and laughed lightly at his own mini-joke. It seemed we all understood it because everyone laughed at least a little bit. I was laughing with relief as well. Things had gone better than planned during dinner. Father was hospitable and friendly. He was conversational and asked Merlin appropriate questions. Everyone lapsed into conversations about likes and dislikes and even a little gossip. Merlin seemed to be fitting into my family perfectly.

That was brilliant.

* * *

I helped my mother clean up after dessert. We joked and teased each other while we put the dishes that fit into the dish washer and did the rest by hand. She kept smiling at me in this proud way as though I'd done something special.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have soap on my face?" I finally asked. Sometimes her 'proud' looks were actually her trying not to laugh, so I just had to check.

"No," she said somberly. She shook her head and smiled more like normal, like she'd heard something pleasant. "It was nice to finally meet him, you know? He's quite a special young man."

"Oh, Merlin? Yeah. He's great most of the time, but he can be pretty clumsy and stupid sometimes," I said. I took a stack of plates we'd just finished and put them in the cabinet.

"He's very lucky… and so are you," mother continued. "You two work very well together. It seemed like you'd known each other your entire lives, not just a few months."

I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. I felt this warmth in my chest, like I was feeling touched by her words, but at the same time I felt extremely proud. Merlin had wormed his way into my life and we knew so much about each other already… it really felt like we'd known each other for much longer than just the last few months. Oh, now my chest just felt lovingly warm.

"Oh my," Mother murmured in a curious tone. "You're almost glowing, Arthur. Might want to be careful."

I shook my head. "Don't be ridiculous. People don't glow. That's just something women like to think."

"Alright. If you say so," she agreed, but she didn't sound convinced. I could tell she was just humoring me, and, in a way, I was just humoring myself.

I turned to change the subject by bringing Merlin into it when I realized that my boyfriend wasn't in sight. Where was he? Bathroom? Mordred was sitting in the dining room and reading right where we'd left him after dinner.

"Hey, Mordred," I called, getting his attention off the page. "Where's Merlin?"

"With dad," Mordred answered, pointing down the hall toward our father's study. I felt instantly cold.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I asked. I put down the drying rag I'd been using and started to walk toward the office. Mother grabbed my arm and stopped me.

"I'm sure it's fine, Arthur. Merlin will be okay. Trust me," she said. "I doubt anything your father says will change how he feels about you."

"No. But it may hit Merlin in his morals. He's already tried to partially leave me because of his conscience, and I _really_ tried to leave him because of mine," I began.

"Didn't know you had one," Mordred said. He didn't even seem to paying us any attention. His eyes were glued to his book and he flipped the page every few moments. I glared at him regardless.

"I just don't want Father putting negative ideas into his head. That's all," I finished.

"He won't. He wouldn't dare," Mother assured me. She looked deep into my eyes and held my cheek in her palm. "He knows he'd lose you for good if he did anything that stupid. Everything is going to be alright."

That's when the door opened to the study and Merlin came out. All heads looked to him, but he didn't look injured in any way, physically or mentally. Merlin turned and slowly made his way down the hall, feeling the wall with the tips of his fingers.

"Merlin," I called, walking to meet him. This time, my mum let me go. Merlin walked quickly to the sound of my voice and I had to stop him before he ran into a chair. When I touched his shoulder to stop him, he hugged me. That worried me, but I hadn't heard any yelling so the conversation couldn't have been bad, right?

"I want to see your house," he whispered in my ear. I nodded. Father came out of his office then and I offered him a warning look before extricating myself from Merlin's arms.

"We're going upstairs for a bit. Call if you need anything," I said. Merlin bowed to my parents and gave them a smile.

"Thank you very much for allowing me to spend dinner with you. I would like to do this again sometime," he said and, I know he's blind but it looked like he stared right at my father when he said it.

With that, Merlin and I retreated up the elevator to my floor. I locked all my doors, not that that ever seemed to work against Mordred, and showed Merlin around my home. It was bigger than his, but smaller than my parents' one floor below. Merlin dragged his hands across anything I took him near as though to commit it to memory. I described each room as clearly as I could, but sometimes I didn't know how to describe it. The chair is… uh… woody? Like a chair? It's got these designs on it? Those descriptions don't help at all. The last room we went too was my room. After walking the perimeter of it with him, I sat him on the bed. He ran his hands over my sheets and smiled.

"Why have we been using my bed again?" he asked with a teasing smile. Then he sighed and curled up on one side of the bed. I shifted over to lay on the other side, facing him. I took one of his hands in one of my own and squeezed it.

"What did my father say to you?" I asked. Merlin seemed calmer now than he had been earlier, almost in a sullen manner. I didn't want to believe Father would try to ruin my relationship, not after our talk.

"Nothing much."

" _Merlin_ ," I scolded. He smiled gently.

"He made me swear never to hurt you. He questioned me about anything he could think of about my past that he didn't already know. He asked me about my feelings for you and about our relationship," Merlin began, but I interrupted.

"What did you tell him?" I asked. Merlin gave me a toothy grin.

"Well I didn't tell him about the sex, if that's what you're asking, but I told him enough. He made lots of 'hm's and 'ah's but I don't know what his expression was. I wasn't going to ask to feel his face the whole time, but his voice sounded thoughtful and confused," Merlin said. I nodded.

"That sounds like father," I agreed. Merlin squeezed my hand a bit tighter and moved a little closer.

"In the end, he wished me the best of luck on my eye surgery," he said.

"You told him about the surgery? How much?"

"Every detail."

"And he didn't get mad?"

"Well," Merlin paused. He shifted his head to look slightly more toward the ceiling than me. "He sighed heavily, but he didn't argue. I took that as a good sign."

"I will too," I said. "So now what?"

Merlin looked back to me, directly into my eyes. I pulled off his sunglasses and reached over him to put them on the night stand.

"Now," Merlin said as I returned to my position. "We sleep. I'm tired."

"Dinner went well," I mused.

"Yes, but I'm still worn out from it."

"See? I knew you were nervous."

"Oh shut up. You can be such a prat."

"Love you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 23 – Surgery
> 
> The light flashed across Merlin's eyes, but he didn't even flinch. The doctor and his nurse traded lingo I didn't always understand. Merlin must have heard a lot of this before… when he'd first gone blind.
> 
> I pulled my jacket tighter around me and tried to ward off the cold that threatened to freeze all the way to the bone. A few flakes of snow were making it through the canopy of leaves and making him seem like some kind of magazine model for the latest winter wear.
> 
> "I think you're just babbling like an idiot because you're nervous and relieved at the same time," I said.
> 
> "The magazine, Arthur. Look at it," Morgana said, thrusting her hand out toward the limp paper by my feet. "You didn't tell me anything for a month and then you go and let something like this happen?"
> 
> Nothing can ever be simple, can it?


	23. Surgery

The light flashed across Merlin's eyes, but he didn't even flinch. The doctor and his nurse traded lingo I didn't always understand. I'd researched the procedure a bit, so I know pieces of what they were talking about, but I was no expert.

Merlin seemed to understand it all. He had a sullen tone to his voice when he spoke to them that told me he must have heard a lot of this before… when he'd first gone blind. The doctor wrote some notes on his clipboard and handed it off to his nurse, who promptly left the room.

"Well," he said, turning to us. "The good news is that you qualify for the procedure. I can fix your eyes."

Merlin felt out my hand and gave it a squeeze. I glanced over at him, but I couldn't tell if he looked relieved or not. He seemed tense, like he was still scared.

"Luckily, the chemical burns on your cornea weren't as serious as I imagined when Arthur called me up. I've seen much worse and still been able to achieve dramatic improvement in eye sight," the doctor continued. "We'll begin a search for the replacement cornea immediately. I guarantee the finest cornea accessible and the best treatment possible during and after surgery."

"Thank you, Dr. de Bois," Merlin murmured, and he at least _sounded_ relieved.

"Anytime," the doctor said with a smile. He motioned to me, although I was sure he knew Merlin couldn't tell. "As my nephew's boyfriend, you get a V.I.P. experience… not that I wouldn't do all of this for a normal patient, of course."

"He just means that you took priority to other patients," I assured Merlin. He cast a confused look over at me and then it grew into surprised contemplation.

"Wait here for a moment and I'll be right back with more information on your next appointment," Doctor De Bois said and walked out of the room. He'd probably come back with some silly pamphlet, with both writing and brail on it.

Merlin turned his head toward the sound of my breathing, and I cast my eyes elsewhere. I felt like he was trying to read me and I has a pretty good idea why. Honestly, his scrutiny made me partly guilty and embarrassed.

"He's your uncle?" Merlin asked skeptically.

"Yeah. I mean, doesn't every rising, hot actor have a doctor in his family?" I said, trying to play it off. Merlin's expression shifted to tell me he didn't want to joke right now.

"Isn't it a bit odd for this to happen though? I mean, what are the chances that you're uncle is an eye surgeon and your boyfriend just happens to need severe eye surgery. Things don't line up like this in real life. They just don't," Merlin said.

"I think you're just babbling like an idiot because you're nervous and relieved at the same time. This isn't a chance situation, Merlin. Things line up properly all the time. This one just lined up better than others," I assured him.

I moved my seat closer to him and poked him teasingly in the nose. He pouted but then smiled. It seemed he just couldn't stay mad at me over something so silly. I was glad for it. I didn't need this happenstance to be used against me. I leaned in to kiss Merlin and saw the way he reacted, as though he knew I was moving in for the kill. He stopped moving. He seemed to be paying more attention. Was he aware of my intentions because of my breath or body heat or something? Just before I was able to kiss him, however, my uncle returned and I sat up straight in shock on reflex. Merlin frowned.

"Alright, so Merlin, I want you to take this and have your mother or father, or even Arthur, read it to you. It's a packet with information about the process and what it will be like afterward, approximate recovery time and medical problems most likely to be experienced… just the run down. It's pretty straight forward and –," the doctor said until I put my hand up.

"Um.. Sorry, Uncle Tristan, but I have to do something before you continue," I said. It was nagging at me and I wasn't going to let my uncle ramble through without finishing what I started.

Merlin wasn't prepared this time. I held the back of his head, about his ear, and kissed him, not once, not twice, but three quick times. When I pulled back, Merlin looked stuck between shock and approval. He didn't move much, not even when the doctor started talking again. Mind you, Uncle Tristan didn't say much. I'm pretty sure that's when I poured cement straight into his brain and the image of me and Merlin kissing became lodged in his head.

* * *

There was a short green bench just outside of the studio, partially hidden under a giant oak one of the producers had planted there years ago after deciding there wasn't enough green around. Since no one really tended to it, it was a miracle the tree had continued to survive. I'd never much thought about that tree, save for the idea of how big it was on my first visit to the studio, but something about it drew my gaze to it two days after Merlin's eye exam.

I pulled my jacket tighter around me and tried to ward off the cold that threatened to freeze all the way to the bone. It was probably that thought that made me hurry over to the tree instead of walking calmly. See, there was nothing special about the tree itself that made me run over. It was the person sitting on the bench beneath it.

Merlin looked up when he heard the sound of the snow crunching under my feet. He didn't look surprised, but he did look a bit curious. I stood there for a moment, looking at him and waiting for him to speak first. A few flakes of snow were making it through the canopy of leaves and making him seem like some kind of magazine model for the latest winter wear… except that his clothes were anything but designer. In fact, how was he not freezing?

"Aren't you cold?" I asked. He seemed to relax and smiled up at me.

"Not really. I know it doesn't look like much, but this coat is actually really good. My mother made it for me about two years ago. I only wear it when the weather gets really cold," Merlin explained. He fingered a fraying edge on his right sleeve fondly. He must have liked the way it felt. I reached down and covered his hand with my own, feeling the fabric of his coat.

"It's nice. Tell me, Merlin, how long have you been waiting out here for me?" I asked.

Merlin seemed to really consider his next step. His head turned from side to side. If he wasn't blind, I'd think he was checking to see if anyone else was around… but that was silly. He hadn't had his surgery yet. Merlin looked up at me again and then tugged forcefully on my hand. I usually prided myself on being graceful, but I fell extremely haphazardly onto that bench.

"Woah, Merlin! Are you alright?" I asked, repositioning myself to be comfortable and sit up straighter.

"I got a call two hours ago… from your uncle," Merlin murmured. He cast his gaze downward and squeezed my hand. "He found my new corneas. He wants me to come in this afternoon."

"Well that's brilliant," I said. I smiled wide and drew him into a hug. "Do you want me to come with you then?"

"Of course," Merlin replied, his face and tone suggesting it had been a stupid question. "Honestly, Arthur, you're the one who promised to be with me every step of the way."

"Oh shut up," I grunted. "But that still doesn't explain why you're sitting out here, in the freezing snow, on a bench you couldn't possibly have found on your own."

"Well one of the stage hands helped me get out here, and he wished me luck on meeting you. Apparently your reputation precedes you. And I wanted to meet you at work because… well I wanted to tell you in person," Merlin said. His face was slightly flushed, and I couldn't tell if that was due to the coldness of the air or because he was embarrassed.

"Well I applaud your effort, but we should really go inside before you catch your death," I strongly suggested.

I stood up and pulled Merlin up with me. He turned his head side to side again, looking for something he couldn't possibly see. That's when he looked up at me, and with the cutest look on his face I'd ever seen, he asked me to kiss him. With the snow all around us and the tree making a canopy and that damn look on his face… I just couldn't resist him. I cupped his face and pressed my lips to his. It was short and surprisingly warm in the cold air. Merlin's lips were slightly chapped and mine had remnants of make-up, but it didn't ruin the kiss at all.

When I pulled back from the kiss, Merlin looked unusually pleased with himself. I took a half step back and regarded him warily.

"What's that look for?" I asked. Merlin smiled broadly.

"That's the first time you've kissed me in public," he said.

At the time, that didn't really mean anything to me. There were no paparazzi around and no one ever really looked over at this tree, so the chances of him being drawn into the tumble of celebrity life was slim. I'd decided a long time ago that I didn't want him stuck in the middle of a camera war, sucked into the lifestyle that had spelled doom for all my other relationships before they'd even gotten started. I didn't want his life plastered on all the magazine stands, glaring up at him and his new set of eyes.

Nothing can ever be simple, can it?

* * *

Sitting in a hospital is nerve wracking, especially when someone you love is in one having surgery. This surgery wasn't life threatening, like many others were, but it was still stressful to sit and wait for news of how it went. Before they'd called him back, Merlin had sat next to me, holding my hands and shaking like a child who was afraid of a shot. I had my arm on his shoulders and rubbed his arm in an attempt to calm him down. Merlin had mumbled a lot of thank you's and I love you's, but didn't speak much otherwise. When they called him, I walked him to the door, but then he was out of my sight, and now it was just endless waiting.

It had been about five minutes of me starring at the floor when a magazine dropped from the sky and wacked me over the head. I sat up straight, stunned and a bit scared for my life. The magazine hit the floor with a loud slapping sound, but no one really looked up. No one ever looked up in a doctor's office. My eyes didn't look at the magazine, though. They were stuck on a very fine looking lady standing beside me. She looked pissed, her eyebrows wrinkled and angled down, her arms crossed about her chest.

"Morgana?" I asked. "What in the name of our big blue and green marble are you doing here?"

"Well I was originally coming to offer support. When I got your txt saying the operation was today, I got excited. By the way, txting me? Since when do you txt _me_? Don't I merit a phone call?" Morgana paused here, closing her eyes as though that stopped her train of thought. Then she shook her head. "Actually, you know what? Forget about it. I want to know what the hell you think you're playing at, getting yourself mug-shot like that."

"What _are_ you talking about?" I asked. I hadn't gotten a mug shot recently that I knew of. Was she reading tabloids again?

"The magazine, Arthur. Look at it," Morgana said, thrusting her hand out toward the limp paper by my feet. Oh right. She'd hit me with it. "You didn't tell me anything for a month and then you go and let something like this happen?"

As I lifted the tabloid from the floor, I recognized myself on the front cover. This wasn't unusual since I often graced the covers of both reputable and lying sleazebag magazines and newspapers, but this picture did catch my interest. It was me, standing under a large, snowy tree.

"What?" I gasped. "But this only happened a few hours ago!"

"Well I guess you barely managed to make the deadline, prince charming. Arthur, honestly, how could you let a paparazzi snap a picture of you and Merlin?" Morgana asked. She looked exhausted when she said that, like she didn't understand me and I was some rambunctious child she'd been scolding all day.

"I didn't think anyone was around!" I said. I looked over the picture carefully. It was just after our kiss. I was smiling down at him. The picture was, thankfully, from behind Merlin. His face wasn't visible…. And suddenly I remembered the way Merlin kept turning his head back and forth as though looking for someone.

He wasn't looking at all. He was listening! Had he heard the clicks of the cameras? Had he known the paparazzi was watching? Had Merlin purposely asked for a kiss in front of the cameras? But why? Why would he do that? He knew how much I wanted to keep him out of the spotlight.

"Why?" I murmured, voice low and eyes frozen on the picture in my hands.

"There's a whole article on it, Arthur. They're trying to figure out who this guy is and if you were really kissing him or if it was the angle. It's going to explode, Arthur. You're going to get a lot of heat soon, and so am I. Up until last week, people were still convinced we were going out. Now this comes along. Arthur, I hope you're ready for this, because it's going to be huge," Morgana said. She had adopted a tired look and no longer seemed tense or angry… not at me at least. I imagined she was angry at the magazine editors.

All I could think was that I needed to talk to Merlin a.s.a.p…. and that, with the paparazzi stalking me, I probably wouldn't be able to visit him for awhile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 24 – The Sight of Magic
> 
> It was like standing in the middle of a hurricane, where the wind was just outside of your body. You couldn't reach out, and you couldn't move, or the wind would take you away.
> 
> "You knew the cameras were there when we were under the tree, didn't you?"
> 
> "Maybe."
> 
> There was nothing between me and the man who seemed even more like a large, deadly lizard in the dark. He looked at me, and I fell into the chair ungracefully.
> 
> "How do you know so much about Merlin?" I asked.
> 
> "Such things are rudimentary, young Pendragon. Such things I do know about," he said.
> 
> It was berating, debris nicking at your clothes, your skin, your face. This hurricane, this tornado, this windstorm that kept you closed off. I hated it.


	24. The Sight of Magic

"…- Pendragon!"

"Arthur, can we have a moment of your time?"

"Excuse me, Mr. Pendragon!"

"Arthur, will you tell us who he is?"

"Arthur, it is true that this is a boyfriend?"

"Can we have a moment?"

"May we have a moment?"

"Can we ask you a few questions?"

"Arthur!"

I covered my ears and leaned against the inside of the car door. I was bent over, head between my knees and bouncing my heels up and down. It was like standing in the middle of a hurricane, where the wind was just outside of your body. You couldn't reach out, and you couldn't move, or the wind would take you away. It was berating, debris nicking at your clothes, your skin, your face. This hurricane, this tornado, this windstorm that kept you closed off. I hated it.

Even in my most narcissistic state, I would have hated this. It was pure, bloody torture.

"You knew it was just a matter of time," I heard my father saying from the front seat. "They were going to get wind of it eventually."

"I know. I know. I really don't need a lecture right now, Father," I said. I felt useless. I couldn't stop the news. I just had to wait it out, and it would take so freakin long.

"Where do you want to go? You know you can't go to Merlin's house, and you already expressed your distaste for home today. Where am I supposed to drop you off?" Father asked. I frowned and looked out the window.

Under the constant barrage of stress from the reporters and the flash of the cameras standing on the side of the street as we passed, a feeling began to grip me. My eyebrows narrowed and I grew curious. It was fascinating, this feeling. I knew exactly where I wanted to go, and something told me it was the safest place to be right now.

"Dragon Street," I said. Father looked in his review mirror, his expression telling me he didn't understand. I didn't understand it much either, but there you have it. Father shrugged a bit and we took a sharp left turn instead of going straight, which would have taken us home.

When the car stopped in the back parking lot of the popular street, I wondered if maybe I'd gone mental. Through the alleys, you could see the mass of people on the street. I could even see the stands with my face smiling up at the crowds and a plethora of sayings splayed across my forehead from 'Secret Lover?' to 'Picture Hoax?'

I honestly couldn't have picked a worse spot to hide from this. Father began to say something, probably to voice my exact thoughts, but I stepped out of the car before I let myself hear it. The distant rush of the street blocked out whatever it was he was saying, thankfully, and I was able to walk away from the vehicle. I pulled my jacket closer around me, tugged my hood over my head and slipped my sunglasses on my face.

At first, it seemed to work. I blended into the crowds of other cold adults, all shuffling down the street and trying to decide which stores to enter and what to buy. I had just spotted the bright lights of the Alchemistique, turned on to be visible through the snow, when I heard the whispering begin. The photographers began to mumble to each other. Packs of three or four stood on the street corners around the Alchemistique and there was no way they'd all pass me off as some random bloke making his way through the shops. Even I knew I was suspicious.

I touched my hood, making sure it was in place, and then the first camera was raised to take my picture. Suddenly, an explosion went off at the Alchemistique and all eyes and cameras turned to look. Smoke drifted from the sides of the shop and… was it me or were there stars in the smoke? Oh, it wasn't an explosion! It was two smoke bombs with lights shining designs into them. It was to attract attention!

Speaking of which, I took this opportunity to dive out of sight. When others recognized what had happened, they turned to look back for me, but were sorely disappointed when they couldn't find me. That's when I took my chances and hurried through the smoke of the display and into the Alchemistique. I'd barely taken three steps when an arm hooked around mine and dragged me to the side.

"Young Pendragon, you grace me with your presence. To what do I owe the honor?" Draco – er… John asked.

"Could you not call me that right now?" I asked, glancing warily back to the door. John just laughed in that odd, mystical way of his and shook his head.

"Now now. What am I to call you if not your name?" he said. "No, I shall call you by your true name, but we can move this conversation into the back if that will ease your mind."

The dragon man didn't even wait for me to reply. He simply held on to my arm and pulled me toward the back. For me, it was like being swallowed by a large, black hole. It was such a drastic difference in lighting to the front room that it surprised me Mr. Hurt could see back here at all. It took my eyes several moments to adjust, and by the time I could see, we were standing beside a desk.

The desk faced the wall and Mr. Hurt was sitting in the chair behind it. There was a chair for me next to the desk, putting nothing between me and the man who seemed even more like a large, deadly lizard in the dark. He looked at me, and I fell into the chair ungracefully.

"Now tell me, why are you here?" John asked.

"Merlin had his eye surgery," I said, coming up with nothing better to say. John put his fingers together like he was scheming and nodded.

"Oh yes? How did that go?" he asked. I partially glared.

"I wouldn't know. I haven't seen him since the hospital, and he still had bandages on his eyes. He says he won't even attempt to take them off until I see him next, but I can't go anywhere near him," I complained, crossing my legs in the way my father disliked.

"And why can't you?"

"Because the paparazzi's up my ass! Didn't you notice them swarming outside like the pack of vultures they are?" I said, throwing my arm out in the direction of the glowing door that led to the outside world. It looked like it was glowing, at least. It was just the shop lights.

"Does young Merlin know about the vultures?" John asked, tilting his head to the side. The longer I sat here, the more sure I felt that he was about to leap forward and devour me whole.

"Of course he does. It's basically his fault they're swarming at all," I said. I turned my head to the side just to avoid eye contact with the lizard man. It made me feel like a pouting child, but it was better than feeling like lunch.

"Then why does it matter? If Merlin knows about the cameras and he started it all, perhaps he _wants_ the cameras to know about him," John suggested. He leaned back in his chair and used one of his long nails to poke the only source of light in the room, a lamp that shown over the clutter on his desk.

"That's stupid. Why would he want to be in the spotlight? I've told him how horrible it is."

"Then maybe he's testing you. He wants to know how long it will take you to forget about the onlookers and come see him. Besides, if you do it sneakily, no cameras should even know where you are. It's not like his house is in a popular part of the city," John said. I looked at him curiously and he smiled back cunningly, that smile that said he knew something I didn't.

"How do you know so much about Merlin?" I asked. His grin widened and he chuckled.

"Such things are rudimentary, young Pendragon. Such things I do know about," he said. He was quoting himself from my last visit. I decided not to show that his 'knowledge' affected me.

"Fine. You want me to waltz over to Merlin's house, ignore a thousand flashing cameras, and draw him into the limelight because that's what he wants?" I tried, leaning forward in my seat.

"Precisely," John said, sounding much more intense than before. It startled me back into my chair. "Because while you sit there, being a coward, Merlin spends more time in the dark. And while you may not want him to be seen by the public, Merlin wants to be part of your life. So for once in your life, ignore your own desires and ask Merlin was _he_ wants."

"But-," I tried.

"But nothing, Arthur. It's time you turned and walked out of my shop and got on with some serious business," John said and stood. He turned away from me and suddenly a light came on, illuminating a doorway. "You may use the backdoor for your escape, but I'd prefer if you used the front entrance for any future visits."

I wanted to say something, maybe thank him for the option or for his advice. I kind of wanted to tell him off and say exactly what I thought of his reptile suits and creepy, pointed nails. I wanted to say that Merlin deserved better than being pulled into the circus of fame, but just like the first time I'd visited the shop, I found myself muted and just doing what he told me to. I was out the back door and into the bright sun and snow before my mind registered that I hadn't gotten my point across. What had my point even been?

God damn it.

* * *

Merlin was sitting in the window. I couldn't see his face, but I could tell it was him. What other handsome young man would be sitting in Gaius' house with a white strip of gauze around their head? There were three cars in the drive way; Gaius' old, brown truck, Balinor's big, black truck, and Hunith's sleek, white car. I wasn't driving my car today, so my sweet, red baby wouldn't be joining them. Instead, a little yellow VW bug is what pulled in behind Gaius's truck.

I almost felt embarrassed climbing out of it. My driver looked self-assured and proud. I suppose that was good.

"I'm glad you asked to bring me," Guinevere said, looking over the hood of her car to gaze at me through her half darkened sunglasses. I could see her eyes clearly, even through my own sunglasses.

"Yeah, well I couldn't be seen leaving in my own car. I think it's a miracle I even got out in yours," I said. I'd left the house in my car and driven to a café where Lancelot met me out the side exit and then drove me to a clothing store where he bought me a new hoodie jacket and then I waltzed out the front doors and slipped into Gwen's little bug so she could drive me to Merlin's house.

However, Gwen was giving me a disappointed look now. I frowned.

"Not to say you aren't wonderful company, Guinevere. It'll be useful to have another woman in the house besides Hunith, and you're the only one here from my side of the family… uh… or you will be soon," I added. She definitely wasn't fooled for a second, but she did shrug and smile to show she wouldn't hold my lack of worry for her feelings against me… which was a relief.

I smiled uncertainly. Gwen turned and walked toward the house, with me quickly at her heels. When Gaius opened the door, he didn't look at all surprised to see me, but he did do a scan of the area to check for reporters. I gave him the same uncertain smile, and he ushered us in.

"Oh, Arthur! It's so nice to see you again," Hunith exclaimed as soon as I pulled off my hood. She hurried over and administered a proud look before giving me a brief hug. I'd long since stopped trying to figure out what those proud looks meant. She obviously thought higher of me than I did of myself. Go figure.

"Hello again, Mrs. Emrys," I said. "This is my soon to be cousin-in-law, Guinevere. Ah, but her friends call her Gwen." I added the nickname as soon as I saw Gwen go to say it herself. She smiled at me, and I took it as a good sign.

"Pleasure," Gwen said, holding out her hand to shake.

"Oh, an American!" Hunith gasped, a huge grin on her face. She shook Gwen's hand and they both laughed a little.

"Gwen's marrying Arthur's cousin, Lancelot. You know mom, the model," Merlin spoke up from the window seat. Hunith beamed further.

"Oh! What a lucky woman you are. Good for you, Miss Gwen," she said. Gwen blushed at being called 'miss' but otherwise said nothing and just nodded.

"Merlin, can I talk to you?... Alone?" I asked. Merlin looked over at me and it seemed wrong. The strip of white that covered his eyes seemed out of place and made my insides squirm. He looked injured with it there.

"Sure," he agreed with a simple smile and led me to his room. Funny how he could lead me. His ability to move through his home without assistance never ceased to amaze me. Although, I suppose soon he wouldn't need to surprise me. Soon he'd be able to see.

When the door closed behind me, I flipped the light on and took a seat on the bed. Merlin stood for a moment, a bit of debating going on in his head, and then sat next to me. He pulled the bandages off his face but didn't open his eyes.

"The bandages are my choice. Your uncle said it's best to keep the eyes unblocked as much as possible. The metal coverings he gave me after the surgery are still here, but I only wear them to sleep or shower. I try to wear a soft cloth covering too, though," he said.

"Why? If you're supposed to be using them, why cover them up?" I asked. Merlin lowered his face and gingerly touched around his eyes. They were slightly swollen, but it wasn't noticeable unless you were looking for it. It had been a week and a half since his surgery, and through texting I heard everything was going perfectly, but other than that Merlin and I hadn't much spoken.

"I… I spent the first few days in a foggy pain. I couldn't really see anything unless it got really close, and there was a dull ache in my eyes. At night, I end up leaking tears all over the pillow and then I have to assure Gaius and mom that I'm not depressed or in serious pain. I decided to use thin, soft coverings over my eyes because the strain was a bit much on them… and plus, I didn't really want to look at anything too clearly before I got to see you and tell you what was going on. Remember, you said you wanted to be around to help me with the whole procedure," Merlin reminded.

"Yes. I remember." I smiled and lifted Merlin's chin until he was facing me. "I'm sitting close enough. Maybe you should open those eyes and tell me if I meet your expectations."

Merlin smiled then. He nodded and I watched as his eyelids opened a bit. He stopped, I suppose to get used to the light, and then raised his gaze to meet mine. I was stunned. I'd thought Merlin had beautiful eyes before, but the way his stitches spread out from his corneas in white lines…

"Wow," I murmured. "You look almost magical."

Merlin blushed. "Y-You beat me to it," he said. "I was going to say that about you."

Merlin's eyes were still searching my face, taking in everything: my ruffled blonde hair, my exhausted features, my tired eyes… or that's what I thought he was seeing, but if he was truly under the notion that I looked magical, maybe he was more visually impaired than I thought.

"You look even better than I remember… And you were one of the only images that I could remember at all," Merlin admitted. He reached out and touched my face, no guidance needed. "Your uncle says my vision should improve over the next few weeks, but I can head back to work by this weekend… Did you know I never told Will I was going in for surgery?"

"Well he'll be shocked, won't he? Make sure you comment on his shirt next you see him," I joked. "Then you must tell me how he reacts."

Merlin laughed. He leaned up to kiss me and bumped our foreheads together a bit before getting it right. He was still getting used to using his depth perception again, so I could forgive him. It would be many weeks of adjustment before Merlin would be able to see properly, and he might even need contacts for perfect vision, but he was on the road to recovery.

"Thanks, by the way," Merlin spoke up.

"For what?"

"For coming to see me despite the cameras."

"You knew the cameras were there when we were under the tree, didn't you?"

"Maybe."

"Why would you do that?"

"Because."

"Because why, Merlin?"

"You're like bragging rights, Arthur. Who wouldn't want proof they were dating you?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 25 – Of Relationships and Rebels
> 
> She was fair, with the lightest blonde hair I'd seen on anyone. She had it pulled back, as usual, and little white baby's breath were tucked into the tied area, giving her an almost innocent air. She smiled, something innocent and wicked at the same time.
> 
> "I see in the papers that my love has fallen for another AND he's learned to text and I'm supposed to do nothing?" she asked. I was no newcomer to her true anger hiding under all her shit, but it had been awhile since I'd seen it directed at me.
> 
> "Do you really understand how much shit we'd be in if they ever found out who you were?" I asked.
> 
> "Other famous people and their significant others have survived the spotlight," Merlin pointed out.
> 
> One reporter had brought a gun to get attention and shot out a light right above me.
> 
> "Oh thanks, Lancelot," Morgana hissed. "I've always wanted to be a pedophile."


	25. Of Relationships and Rebels

Weeks. Merlin's sight was a testy thing. He returned for regular visits to my uncle to make sure his eyes were adjusting well to the new corneas. Uncle Tristan gave me updates almost as fast as Merlin did. My mobile was almost never silent anymore, save for during shooting. The vultures followed me everywhere on set and most places off set. It was probably thanks to security that I hadn't been mobbed yet. Or shot for that matter. One reporter had brought a gun to get attention and shot out a light right above me. Scared me shitless and got him an overnight in jail.

I had to be careful where I left my things. More than once, I'd found someone looking through my jacket pockets when I walked away from it. I kept my mobile in my pocket or gave it to Morgana for safe keeping. Since she was off duty from acting right now, it was the perfect set up. She made sure no one, not even herself, saw my txt messages. She answered the mobile for me twice while I was on set, telling me later that my mother wanted me to pick up Mordred when I was finished and that Uncle Tristan had called, but since it sounded important, she'd told him to call back and leave a voice mail.

It wasn't much important, but Morgana didn't know any better. It was just a routine call to tell me Merlin had been in again and that everything looked alright, cell counts and whatnot. Merlin had been given his new dosage requirements for his medication, and everything seemed to be on the mend. It was good news, which I let Morgana know since she looked so nervous about it that she might pass out.

The highlight of my days, however, were the txts. There was a new one every hour or so, little tidbits from Merlin on how his day was going and things that changed because of his vision.

'Good morning. I think ur already on set, so txt me when u get the chance.'

'We have blue irises n the front yard. Did u no that?'

'Tripped over a chair just now.'

'Gaius thinks he needs to burn my eyes again. I just ran into a wall.'

'Hope u had a good lunch.'

'Did u no? I haven't gotten bruises like this n yrs.'

'Uncle Gaius is definitely looking at fire extinguishers online.'

'I've decided watching tv is the best course of action. Can't hurt myself if I don't move.'

It was cute, but I learned a new lesson that day. I learned to excuse myself to the bathroom if I needed to check my messages. The day after those messages, I saw my face on another magazine with a big question on top about who was sending me the messages. Next thing you know, they'd be hacking into my mobile records to find out. Well, better they think I have a bladder issue than they start hounding Merlin. At this rate, I'd have him start txting Morgana instead.

'Saw a rerun of one of ur early movies is on tv. Am watching it now.'

'Which one?' I asked, slipping into the front seat of my car.

'The one where ur an orphan and Julie Andrews is going to adopt u.'

'I order you to smash your tv to bits.'

'I am disinclined to acquiesce ur request.'

'Did you just quote Pirates?'

'Maybe.'

I laughed as I set the mobile to the side and turned on the engine. On the drive home, I got two new messages, but I'd always been raised not to txt and drive… ignoring the fact that I didn't even txt until this past November.

The first txt was from Merlin. It was talking about how adorable I was at that age.

The second txt was from someone I'd never before messaged and hadn't even spoken to in over a year. It was from the wonderful Miss Vivian Moffett. I nearly dropped my mobile. It consisted of a time and a place. I was already home, but I turned the car back on and drove out of the parking area without a second thought.

* * *

"Arthur Pendragon learning how to use his mobile. It still amazes me."

She was fair, with the lightest blonde hair I'd seen on anyone. She had it pulled back, as usual, and little white baby's breath were tucked into the tied area, giving her an almost innocent air. She had no blemishes on her face, and her blue eyes popped, especially with the eye liner she had on. A light rosy color was put on her eyelids and the edges of her cheek bones, making her look younger and more beautiful than normal. She wore a faint pink lipstick. Apparently even she knew that anything darker would throw off her delicate coloring. When she moved to sip her tea, glass earrings shook themselves free of her hair. She was definitely the same Vivian I once dated.

"Why did you ask me here, Vivian?" I sat straight backed and proper. My drink sat untouched before me. She smiled, something innocent and wicked at the same time.

"I see in the papers that my love has fallen for another AND he's learned to txt and I'm supposed to do nothing?" she asked.

"If I recall properly, the last time we met, you called me a selfish cow and said there would never be a day you regretted more than the day you accepted the role as my girlfriend," I reminded. She seemed to bounce as she shrugged.

"Slip of the tongue," she said. She smiled and raised her tea to her lips once more. "So tell me. Is it true you've got a new boy toy?"

"Would it make any difference to _you_ if I did?" I asked, leaning forward on my elbows.

Vivian froze. Her face dropped into a frown and she daintily set her cup back on the table. There was a visible rise and fall of her entire body as she took a deep breath and seemed to contemplate the best response. Finally, she relaxed her shoulders and leaned slightly forward as though to tell a secret. It didn't matter though. She'd obviously bought out the entire café we were meeting in. There wasn't a soul in sight save for the one barista cleaning the counter.

"Arthur, darling, do you know how men talk about girlfriends that leave them to be with other women? How it's like a blow to their pride as a man because they obviously aren't good enough to keep their woman straight?" she asked.

"I suppose so, yeah. Why?" I asked. Vivian slammed her hands down on the table, nearly tipping over her glass.

"Because that's how I feel!" she screamed. I flinched back in shock, staring wide eyed at the usually delicate flower. I was no newcomer to her true anger hiding under all her shit, but it had been awhile since I'd seen it directed at _me_. "Do you know how humiliating it is for me? Reporters meet me out of the hotel and ask me what it feels like to think my love has taken flight with another man… to know that I was replaced by a man! It's horrible!"

"Vivian, with all due respect, I didn't replace you for a man. I replace you for nothing, okay? That's how little you meant to me at the end. I felt better being a miserable single man than being with you. Who I'm dating now has nothing to do with replacing you," I clarified. I knew I was being harsh, but that was really the only way to talk to her. She wouldn't get it any other way.

"So you admit you're dating someone these days?" Vivian tried, her voice turning coy and teasing. I knew this trick of hers. She just wanted information.

"I admit that I shouldn't have come here. You're obviously selling out to the tabloids again. That or you wanted me to be privy to your new pity party. If you'll excuse me, I need to go home now," I said, standing up and grabbing my coat.

Vivian stood too and grabbed for my hand.

"Wait!" she cried. She held tightly to my wrist and looked up at my face with a 'you can't refuse something this cute' face, except I could because Merlin was cuter without even trying.

"What is it, Vivian?" I asked. She pouted her lips a bit and shrugged a little.

"If you thought it would be a ruse, why did you even come here? Is it possible I still have some piece of your heart?" she asked. She sounded hopeful and heartbroken at the same time. It almost made me feel for her, except I knew what a twisted witch she could be.

"I came because I hoped it would be different. I came because you finished your txt with the word 'please'," I said. I easily pried her from my hand and sighed. "And it was the first time I'd ever heard the likes from you."

"Then please," she said. "Please pick me over whoever your new someone is. I love you, Arthur. You must know that."

"No."

"Well why not?" she cried in anger.

"Because," I said and looked her in the eyes. "He's done more for me than you could ever hope to do… And you can tell the reporters hiding in the back that I said that."

I heard a slight clang of metal in the back room, probably the reporters reacting to my words, and I smirked. Vivian looked stunned, as though she'd honestly thought I was that stupid.

"Good bye, Vivian. Don't ever text me again," I said and walked out.

* * *

"According to Arthur's last known girlfriend, Vivian Moffett, Arthur has admitted his homoerotic relationship but claims he's still in love with Vivian. Members of the Pendragon household refused to comment on the nature or possibility of Arthur's secret relations, but did have a few choice words about Vivian Moffett's claims. Said Igraine Pendragon, the actor's mother, 'My son was never happier in that relationship than when he left it.' Brother, Mordred, had this to say 'Whoever Arthur is with now, they're a lot better for him than anything Vivian ' _Miss_ _Muffet'_ could come up with.'"

"Did you _really_ say that, Mordred?" I asked, lying stretched out on the couch, eyes closed and resting.

"I may have said some things Mom won't be proud of," Mordred said, nodding his head and shrugging. I smiled and let out a relaxed sigh.

"Says here that no one's been able to find any more evidence of this relationship," Lancelot spoke up, eyes still scanning the article. "All they have is that one photo of the two of you in the snow and the idea that Arthur really likes his new mobile messages."

"That's because we've all become super spies," Gwen laughed. "I've never had so much fun."

"Yeah, well I wouldn't mind it settling down. I'm tired of having to watch my back all the time," I groaned.

"Then stop looking. Let them find you. I don't mind," Merlin mused, snuggling into me. He was lying halfway on top of me, cuddling and watching my every move.

"Do you really understand how much shit we'd be in if they ever found out who you were?" I asked. "I don't mind them knowing you exist, but I really don't want to put that kind of pressure on you."

"Other famous people and their significant others have survived the spotlight," Merlin pointed out.

"Oh! Like Posh and Beckham!" Gwen chimed in. Lancelot broke into a spasm of giggles and Gwen blushed deep scarlet.

"Point taken," Merlin said to make her feel better. "Point is, I'm done with hiding. I let the first picture happen because I wasn't sure how things would unfold after the surgery, but you've made it clear you're not going to change your possessive ways anytime soon."

To emphasize his point and to tease him, I squeezed him tight and wrapped my other arm around him. Merlin let out a displeased grunt.

"My point is," he said again. "The sooner we get it over with, the sooner they'll leave us alone."

"Well actually, they'll probably follow us for the rest of our relationship, or until we die, whichever comes first. We'll just become less important. Then again, if I stay famous, we'll always be important," I mused.

"Then let's always be important," Merlin said.

"Oh my gosh, you two are so cute," Gwen said, covering her mouth as though she'd been impolite.

"Yes. Almost nauseatingly so," Morgana complained. She rubbed her temples and sighed. "Why am I the only single person in this room?"

"I'm single," Mordred piped up. He was sitting by her feet, reading a school textbook… for _fun_. Morgana smiled and pet his hair.

"Oh, that's so sweet, Mordred. I'd love to have a guy like you, but I'm afraid you're too young," she said. Mordred frowned up at her.

"I'm fourteen," Mordred said. "It's only a six year age difference."

"Seven come March," I said. I grinned and winked at Morgana. "But no, Morgana. Look how cute he is. He's perfect for you. I say go for it."

"You're such a prat, Arthur," she hissed. Mordred was glaring at me too. He stood up and threw his textbook at me as he passed to go to his room. When we heard the door slam behind him, we all sort of just looked between ourselves in shock.

"Do you think it's possible he was actually being serious?" Gwen asked softly.

"No way. Mordred?" I said. "He's never been interested in anything but books."

I said it, but I was still looking over at his door in shock. Mordred liked Morgana? But he was just a kid! He'd barely turned fourteen! There had to be some other explanation, right?

"Either way, Morgana's seven years older than him," Lancelot spoke up. "Until he's of age, she'd be a pedophile anyway."

"Oh thanks, Lancelot," Morgana hissed. "I've always wanted to be a pedophile."

I couldn't tell if she was angry or just embarrassed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 26 – Not Hiding Anymore
> 
> When Merlin told me today would be the first time he'd see Will since the surgery, well I couldn't very well pass that up, now could I? If he had gotten angry and started yelling, I would have been fine with that. If Will freaked out in shock and joy, that would have been fine. It would have been funny…. But this? This was not okay.
> 
> "Does everyone think I'm stupid? I did think it through first, you know." He sounded annoyed, which struck me as odd. Merlin was never annoyed.
> 
> "Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked.
> 
> "Yeah," Merlin said. He nodded and pat his messenger bag.
> 
> I chose my clothes to the tunes of McFly's 'Party Girl'. I laughed at myself and danced lamely around the room to grab my hairbrush and sunglasses. It was so unlike me to feel so free. I was letting this free feeling carry me, because I was about to do something potentially stupid. Possibly the stupidest thing I'd ever done…
> 
> Take that, sucker.


	26. Not Hiding Anymore

The bookstore was quiet as always, that little jingle of music playing in the background to keep the shoppers company as they searched for their next secret world. I let my fingers scan the shelf before me, not really paying attention to what I was looking at. Today was the day. Merlin had been working again for two weeks, but due to his eyes he'd been given very few hours, and none of them had been with Will. When Merlin told me today would be the first time he'd see Will since the surgery, well I couldn't very well pass that up, now could I?

Merlin spotted me, still able to hear my whistle necklace even with his eyesight. We waved at each other, but otherwise decided to pretend I wasn't there for the time being. I looked over to the cash register and saw Will standing there, looking bored and staring at the ceiling. He had no customers to help and apparently nothing else to do. He only looked down because Merlin ended up grazing a stand of postcards with his shoulder and knocking it halfway over before he caught it. I sighed and shook my head. How was it possible for him to become even clumsier now that he could see?

"Merlin?" Will asked, hurrying over to help retrieve and place the cards that had fallen out.

"Ah. Good morning, Will," Merlin greeted, setting the stand up straight. He smiled and then bent down to grab the cards.

"Where have you been, Merlin? I haven't seen you in weeks!" the brunette complained, snatching cards up like they would burn the floor if he didn't. He didn't seem to notice Merlin lifting them up as well. Well that was no fun.

"I was with Arthur and Uncle Gaius," Merlin said. "Plus my parents were down… together."

"Oh Arthur." Will scoffed and stood up with his stack of cards, placing them back in the correct spots. "I saw the news about you on the magazine. Why do you let him get away with stuff like that? And what's so great about him anyway? He's just a self-absorbed pop star like all the others."

"First off, he's an actor, not a pop star. And secondly, I didn't know you liked the Stiff Dylans," Merlin said, looking down at Will's shirt and then returning to replacing the cards. "Good band."

"He's stuffy, that's what he…. What did you say?" Will stopped what he was doing, three cards still in his fingers. He glanced around, trying to figure out what Merlin was talking about and probably trying to hear which song was playing. I couldn't help but smirk. I wanted to see his reaction up close, but that would be impossible while staying out of sight.

"Your shirt," Merlin said. He motioned to it. "I've heard some of their work. It's pretty good."

Will's reaction couldn't be more perfect. I know you all expected it too. He stared at Merlin, unmoving, for several moments. I waited for his eyes to bug out, for him to scream and holler or something extravagant. His stunned silence and awe was great, but I was waiting for it to explode. What he ended up doing more than rubbed me the wrong way.

Will dropped the last three cards and wrapped his arms around Merlin, drawing him into a tight hug. If he had gotten angry and started yelling, I would have been fine with that. Merlin could handle himself in a fight, and I could back him up. If Will freaked out in shock and joy, that would have been fine. It would have been funny…. But this? This was not okay.

"You can see?" Will asked, not pulling away. He wasn't moving, but I was. "When did this happen?"

"Where do you think I've been for the past few weeks? Arthur's uncle is an eye surgeon. He fixed me up, and I've been at home healing," Merlin said. I was just about next to them at this point, but I no longer had much to worry about.

Will pulled back pretty quick after Merlin's explanation. He looked torn between emotions, between anger and relief, between betrayal and joy… and then he spotted me. His face hardened but didn't look totally uninviting. Merlin looked over after noticing the expression shift and he smiled uneasily.

"Yeah. Arthur's been a lot of help," Merlin continued. "So I hope the two of you can get along. Okay, Will?"

"You know I don't like him," Wil began. He bent down and picked up the postcards again. When his eyes met mine again, he looked softer. "You got his eyes fixed?" This time he was talking to me.

"Yeah," I said. "Paid for it and everything." I stepped close to Merlin, marking my territory… ahem, not that we hadn't done that in the bedroom the day before, but Will didn't need to know that.

"Then thanks. I still think you're a paparazzi addicted coward, though," Will said, scowling slightly and replacing the cards on the stand.

"Hey now, that picture of us wasn't my fault," I said, crossing my arms and pouting. "That was all Merlin's doing."

"It's true," Merlin agreed, speaking quickly to get his word in before Will could even think to disprove me. "I tricked Arthur into the shot, but that's a long story. Let's not get into it."

"What? No. Why would you do that Merlin? You're going to ruin your life, your privacy like this!" Will exclaimed.

"I know," Merlin sighed. He sounded annoyed, which struck me as odd. Merlin was never annoyed. "Does everyone think I'm stupid? I did think it through first, you know."

"Really?" I asked. Merlin gave me a look that seemed to say 'duh' and 'shut up' at the same time.

"I was worried Arthur may not like me if the surgery went wrong, and I was stressed out, but I did know what letting a camera see us would do. I'm prepared for the media to know about me. I've been prepared since the day Arthur came back from Paris, ready to make us a couple. I didn't want Arthur sneaking around all the time to see me. I know it's stupid to think I can date a popular movie actor and not be noticed. I just figured we could get it out of the way instead of slinking around and putting it off," he said. He frowned, a look that said he felt disappointed, perhaps even so far as betrayed. "You've known me for years. I'd think you'd have more faith in me than to think I'd run into something without thinking about it."

"Wha?" Will started. He searched for an excuse of some sort, but seemed to be coming up dry. "I'm… I'm just trying to look out for you."

"The two of you should know better than anyone that I don't need looking after most of the time," Merlin said matter-of-fact-ly. I chuckled.

"I don't know. You've been a lot clumsier since your surgery," I teased. Merlin elbowed me in the gut, causing me to grunt in pain and hold the spot. "Hey," I complained.

"The point is, I may be clumsy, but I'm not a _total_ idiot." Merlin looked between us, registering comprehension. It was a good thing he stressed 'total', because otherwise I would've had a very smartass comment to add. Heh.

Will looked defeated, like a pissed off kicked puppy. He took a step back and lowered his eyes. I folded my hands behind my back. I didn't want to butt in anymore. This was supposed to be a show for me to watch, not to act. Will shrugged and looked hesitantly up at Merlin again.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "I'm supposed to be happy for you and I let my stupid ego get in the way again."

"I think that happens to most good men," Merlin said. He smiled and, was it me or did he elbow me again? I hope that wasn't a jab at _my_ ego. "Besides, I don't want to be mad at you. I need a friend to look out for me in case I get lost in here."

Will laughed softly. "Now that's funny. You get your eyesight back and _now_ you're worried about getting lost."

"I'll pick you up after work, Merlin," I said, taking my cue to egress. Merlin grabbed my arm with as much surprising accuracy as he'd had since day one so that I couldn't leave yet. He gave me a kiss, right there in front of Will, and then smiled.

"Don't be late," he said.

"Never." I couldn't help grinning like a loon. He'd kissed me in front of Will. In. Front. Of. Will.

Take that, sucker.

* * *

You ever feel like you life is like a movie? You know… those times when you turn on the radio or listen to your ipod and somehow the music that comes on seems to fit perfectly with what you're doing and what's happening around you?

Yeah, I didn't either. That is, until it was time to get ready to go get Merlin. I turned on my radio, just for the hell of it, and stepped into my shower. I was glad I double locked the elevator door and every other door in my house, because singing to my showerhead was more than out of character for me. Especially when it involved a mix of the world's most popular classics and me whacking the back of my head against the wall and almost slipping to my doom.

I changed the station when I got out of the shower and chose my clothes to the tunes of McFly's 'Party Girl'. It was movie perfect. The timing of opening the closet and slipping the shirt over my head and down my chest. Pulling on my jacket matched like amazing. I felt like a silly teenager, imaging the music matching so well. I laughed at myself and danced lamely around the room to grab my hairbrush and sunglasses. It was so unlike me to feel so free, and I blamed it entirely on Merlin's open show of affection. I shut the radio off after the song ended and slid in my socks out into my entryway.

I slipped on my shoes and checked to make sure I hadn't crushed the backs down into the shoes, as I had a history of doing. When I was sure I looked right I stepped into the elevator and, still hearing McFly in my head, leaned against the wall and laughed. I waved at the woman behind the front desk as I left. She looked stunned by the gesture, but I didn't care.

I was letting the free feeling carry me, because I was about to do something potentially stupid. Possibly the stupidest thing I'd ever done… or at least the stupidest thing since trying to jump off the roof of our house when I was little, but that was old news.

I turned the radio on again in the car. I heard The Script and Brandon Flowers on my drive and some band I didn't recognize because it hadn't been on any of my soundtracks and I usually forget to turn the radio on when I drive around. The last song to play as I pulled up to the bookstore was 'Airplanes' by B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams from some band I never remembered the name of. It was catchy and I couldn't decide if I liked the rapping or the girl's singing better, but it didn't matter, because then I was pulling up in the front of the book shop.

Yea, you read that right. The front.

The music had been a comfort, a soundtrack for the drive over and an energy for my gall to live up to. I parked my car and cut the engine, cutting the sound too. A few people looked over from where they were on the sidewalk, probably not used to seeing a sporty car pull up in front of a shop like this. I took a deep breath and stepped out, no hat or beanie or nothing. It was just me, in a tight red shirt and a black leather jacket with my sunglasses blocking the sun and keeping me from glaring at everyone unintentionally.

I heard a girl start whispering to her friend. They began debating if it was even possible I would be there before they got to debating if it was really me. I inclined my head to them as I passed them to go into the shop.

"Good afternoon. Welcome to – Woah." The familiar voice seemed to step back as much as the man saying it.

"Afternoon to you too, Will," I greeted, slipping my glasses off. Will seemed to look me over twice or so before he remembered he had vocal chords.

"Damn, Arthur," Will said. "You should leave that stupid beanie off more often… I didn't realize you were…. You know." He trailed off and motioned to me.

Yeah. I didn't usually dress designer and leave my head all exposed, but Will's reaction tempted me to do it much more often. I smirked and hooked my glasses in the collar of my shirt.

"Hot?" I asked. Will swallowed and looked away from me, embarrassed. I hit the nail on the head. Ha! I was hot even to Will, the guy whose hatred and jealousy of me blinded his sexuality to my charms. It seemed the score today was Will - 0, Arthur - 2. Will picked up a phone and pushed only one button on it.

"M-Merlin, your ride is here," Will called into the receiver before clearing his throat. "No, at the front. Yeah, I'm sure it's him…. Just get up here, will ya?"

I smiled and glanced over my shoulder. My heart was pounding so hard I was sure it was about to burst. As I looked out the front doors, glass and completely see through from inside – partially on the outside because of the glare of the sun – my heart rate only got faster. I knew it. There was a line of girls gossiping on the side of the entryway, squinting inside at me, and a paparazzi was standing behind a blue car that had just pulled up three spots over from mine. This was going to launch a media circus.

"Arthur?" Merlin asked in shock, drawing my attention forward again. I beamed for him and held my arms out in a 'what do you think?' manner. "You came in the front entrance?"

"Yeah. May be the dumbest idea I've had all week," I said, nodding.

Remember how I was saying this day just seemed to have a soundtrack? The song playing softly in the background was something inspirational but virtually incomprehensible at this volume… but it matched perfectly with the smile Merlin was giving me. He glanced behind me, seeing the girls and the people I'd seen, then he stepped closer to me.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked. He was keeping his distance, just in case. I shrugged and reached out, running my thumb over his cheek.

"Like you said, better to get it over with. I'm not hiding anymore," I said. I saw Will shift out of the corner of my eye. It looked like he was shivering from the lovey way we were acting. He sort of morphed out of the area and vanished behind a shelf. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah," Merlin said. He nodded and pat his messenger bag. He was changed out of his uniform, which would make it harder for the reporters to tell if he worked here or if I just picked him up here. That would be a good start.

I put my hand on Merlin's shoulder, slipped my glasses back on, and led Merlin out the front doors. He had his specialty sunglasses on before he'd gone one step. His eyes were still sensitive to the sun's brightness. The camera started going off almost imperceptibly as soon as we opened the door, and the girls got louder as they called to get my attention.

I walked Merlin to his side of the car first, even opening it partway for him. He thanked me and slid into his seat with the grace of a five year old… aka, not much, but only I could see it. As I chuckled under my breath and made my way to the driver's seat, I gave a short wave to the girls. It seemed there was an invisible force field between them and me. It was called Fame.

They waved and screamed amongst themselves as I slid into the front seat, trying my best to ignore the paparazzi guy. The engine roared and the girls got startled a bit. It seemed the cameraman was too, because he dropped his camera. He was just lucky that thing was attached around his neck or he would've lost his livelihood.

"So… your house or mine?" I asked, putting the car in reverse and smiling over at him. Merlin laughed.

"Yours," he said. And with that, I pulled out of that parking space and tore out of the area as fast as was almost legally possible. We'd be front page tabloid material by the evening. It was a good thing Merlin chose my house. I had to warn my parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 27 – Two Months
> 
> I don't think I've ever had more fun with the paparazzi than when I was spying on them. It was even more fun when we got Gwen and Morgana into it.
> 
> "Wake up." I sat on the bed beside him and ran my hand down his bare back. "Come on. I have a surprise for you."
> 
> "You've been talking to Mordred, haven't you?"
> 
> "A little, but I didn't need to talk to him to wonder."
> 
> In some ways, it was like he was still blind. He would reach for things without looking. He would stare off into nowhere while he spoke.
> 
> "Arthur," he scolded. "You're avoiding the question."
> 
> "What was that?" Mordred asked.
> 
> "That was God telling Dad to shut up," I said.


	27. Two Months

"Open your mouth," I commanded. I let a little grin tug up on the corners of my lips, though I was trying to be as serious as possible.

"Why?"

"Because I order you to."

"Is that how things work now?"

"That's how they've always worked. Now open your mouth," I said. "Oh, and close your eyes."

Merlin sighed but appeased me. He shut his eyes and opened his mouth, not nearly as wide as I needed him to. Still, I would take what I could get. I smiled mischievously and pressed a round ball into his lips. His mouth opened more in shock and the little brown ball slid inside. Merlin shut his mouth and opened his eyes, taking a moment to taste what I had just forced him to eat.

"Is this…?" he asked warily. I continued smiling. "Is this a chocolate covered strawberry?"

"Basically," I said. "I found them in the store today. It's a ball of strawberry covered in chocolate. I decided it was worth tasting, so I gave you the first one."

"You're such a git. What if it had been nasty?" Merlin asked, complaining but smiling as he chewed his chocolaty treat.

"Well then I would be wise enough not to eat one myself," I said, popping one in my mouth.

"Prat."

"Loon."

Flash. I groaned.

"Maybe we should go to your house," Merlin suggested.

"Yes, let's."

Pocketing the strawberries, I turned the car on and pulled out of Gaius' driveway. The photographer across the street in the bushes was cursing his flash and complaining, but it didn't matter anymore. It had been a month since my big show at the bookstore, so it wasn't surprising that they'd found Merlin's house. Actually, Merlin said he saw at least one photographer every other day trying to catch a glimpse of him. It annoyed me to no end, but there was no way to get a restraining order on every paparazzi in the city – ah, strike that – in the world.

"We knew this would happen," Merlin was saying. "We'll be fine. They can't see in the windows of _your_ home and we rarely stay long at mine anyway. Besides, now that we're out, we can have fun playing dodge the paparazzi when we go out to eat."

"I think I need to have a physician look at you. You've gone mental if you think that's fun," I said. Merlin grinned impishly.

"Oh, but it is."

And he was right. I don't think I've ever had more fun with the paparazzi than when _I_ was spying on _them_. Merlin and I decided to go to the movies or to dinner and both times we staked out the front lobby, playing "I-Spy anyone with anything camera-like". We'd hide and wait until they were distracted and then it was super sleuth moves to get to my car and then sneak away to the destination. We helped each other pick out outfits and ways to hide my visage until we got to the movies and dinner. We decided on new ways to pick on the paparazzi, like tossing little rocks at them to freak them out as a distraction.

It was even more fun when we got Gwen and Morgana into it. Morgana would pull up to the building, music blaring and Mordred singing loudly to the music. This became such a popular sight that the magazines started reporting on it instead of me. Mordred seemed to enjoy days when Morgana picked him up more than he enjoyed it when _I_ picked him up. That was a bit disheartening, but I could live with it.

"I forgive you," Mordred said one day out of the blue.

"I'm sorry?" I asked, packing my bag for a day on the set. Mordred stood in my bedroom doorway and shrugged.

"I forgive you for teasing me about my age last month," he said. "Morgana says it's childish to hold grudges too long, and I agree. I watched you hold them for my entire life."

"Well that's a backhanded apology. Are you suggesting I'm childish?" I slid my bag on over my head and adjusted my shirt.

"You used to be. Merlin fixed you." Mordred leaned against the doorframe leisurely. "I liked the old you, but I like the new you even more. You should keep Merlin around forever."

"Thank you. I'm so glad you approve," I teased. I ruffled his hair as I passed by him and went to grab an apple on my way out the door. Mordred was at my heels the entire time, even when we got on the elevator.

"I feel I should warn you. The reporters are out front," he said.

"Reporters? Why?" I looked down at him and realized he'd grown several inches in recent times. He was hitting puberty and growth spurts. My how the young ones grow so fast.

"Some guy on floor two threw himself out of his window. This means the paparazzi are there too. They'll be blending in to the crowd to get a shot of you. I don't think they realize Merlin doesn't live here…. Why doesn't Merlin live here?" he asked with complete innocence. I saw through that instantly.

"Because Merlin has a family," I said, bopping him on the head. "Do you really want Gaius living in the big old house all by himself?"

"He did it just fine before Merlin moved in with him," Mordred pointed out, rubbing his head. "Besides, he's over here all the time anyway. You should get him to move in. You're convincing. I bet you could do it."

"No. Now hush, I have to devise a plan to get to my car," I ordered. Mordred pouted but did stop talking. He busied himself with the elevator buttons, pressing each one starting with the top floor, mine, and working his way down to the lobby just as the door opened.

"Can I come with you today?" he asked, walking out with me.

"No. Morgana's supposed to take you to the movies today."

"But I'm with Morgana all the time. I like her, but I want to come with you. I love watching you act."

I stopped just out of sight of the front doors and looked down at him. He was leaning and trying to see how many reporters were waiting for us. It was cute and it _had_ been awhile since we spent any brotherly bonding time together. He had a good point.

"Alright then. Can you see a clear route?" I asked. Mordred smiled brightly and turned his praising expression up at me.

"Yeah!" he exclaimed, echoing around the lobby a bit but not disturbing the already loud banter coming from the front doors.

"Lead the way."

I forgot how cool it was to feel so loved by a younger sibling. It was quite the honor, and I was about to be treated to a full day of it.

* * *

"Hello?" I said, answering my mobile during lunch break. Mordred scampered on ahead of me to get food while I stopped, trying to get a better signal.

"Arthur, as your Father, I think I have the right to say that it's time," my father's gruff voice said over the line.

"Time? Time for what?"

"I've scheduled an interview for you with Legends," he said. "It's tomorrow at three."

" _Legends_? You're kidding me right? They haven't been interested in me since I was sixteen," I complained. "And that was because Sophia's dad went and drowned himself in the river. How much did you pay them for the interview?"

"Nothing. The office has been receiving phone calls non-stop for you," he said. "Everyone wants to know about your relationship. I just feel it would be in your best interest to choose Legends."

"Why?" I looked over at the food table. I really wanted to go eat with Mordred. I was starving!

"Because they are the most reputable, well respected magazine for actors. Because then you only have to do one interview, and everyone will know it wasn't forged. Because then, perhaps, we can get some normalcy back into our lives," Father's gruff voice half-growled over the phone. I winced.

"Okay. Alright. I understand. I'll be there. Are we doing this at their office or here at the set?" I asked, walking toward the food in a slow manner. If my father had been face to face with me it would have been a hint that this conversation was over.

"They'll be waiting at your dressing room, so take a break around then to go see them. And be honest, Arthur… as honest as you can be while maintaining political correctness. We don't need to know _everything_ about your private life."

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," I said, speeding up my pace to a normal walk.

"Arthur, be serious. It's not-," and the line cut off. I smiled and shut the phone.

"What was that?" Mordred asked as I caught up to him at the lunch table. I shrugged and slipped my mobile into my back pocket.

"That was God telling Dad to shut up," I said. "Now I'm hungry. Did you find anything good?"

"Leon says the sandwiches are good, but they have mustard on them, so I'm not eating them," Mordred explained, pointing to a tray of finger sandwiches someone probably picked up at the nearest store.

"Yep. That's my favorite brother." I ruffled his hair and he laughed. That changed to groaning when I grabbed two sandwiches and gave one to him.

* * *

I pulled back the curtains in my room and let the growing evening lighting shine into the room. Merlin groaned and turned his head away, burrowing deep into my pillows. I couldn't help but smile. He was so childishly cute sometimes.

"Oh the room wasn't that dark," I teased. I sat on the bed beside him and ran my hand down his bare back. "Come on. I have a surprise for you."

"If it's the sunset, we've already done that," Merlin complained, curling up like the tired cat he was.

"No. Trust me, it's better. Now get up. You look like a pathetic kitten," I said, standing up, patting his arm, and walking away.

I heard Merlin complain about the last comment, but I was too busy flicking a match against its pack to start a light. I dragged the burning stick to a candle, watched the fire spread, and then waved the match out. By the time Merlin came over, clad in blue boxers and my top blanket, wax had already begun to drip down the side of the long, thin candle.

"Happy two months," I said, motioning for him to take a seat. He dropped the blanket where he stood and smiled. Two months. Two months of him and his beautiful new eyes.

I had a small table set up by the window, not right up next to it but close enough. On it sat one tall candle, two small plates, and one medium sized chocolate cake – complete with three little blue flowers on top of chocolate icing. Merlin laughed as he sat down.

"Flowers?"

"Mum decorated it. I'm not that talented," I said.

"I take it that you had a hand in making it though," Merlin said. He smirked a bit. "You're growing up so well."

"Do you want me to take it away?" I asked, tugging the cake away from Merlin's side of the table. Merlin hastily reached out and tugged it back to the center.

"No no. I want the cake."

"Then stop teasing me."

"I'm sorry."

And so we sat there, dressed only in our undershorts, carving up and eating cake. My director may not approve, but I didn't care. It wasn't the most romantic evening ever, considering we weren't even dressed and it was just dessert. Still, I liked it and Merlin seemed to be enjoying it. He laughed when I cut a slice and it broke in half when I tried to move it to his plate. I scowled and got him back with the cake slicer, smearing chocolate icing all over his cheek. Merlin looked like he wanted to get me back and start an icing war, but he held back his urges. How courtly of him. I still won.

"Arthur," Merlin began, taking a bite of cake.

"Hm?" I asked, sucking the icing off my fingers so I wouldn't make a total mess when I grabbed my fork.

"Why haven't you asked me to move in?"

I stopped thinking about eating for about a split second, and then I took up my fork and began to dig into my cake. I shrugged.

"You've been talking to Mordred, haven't you?"

"A little, but I didn't need to talk to him to wonder. I'm over here just about every day. We do the dishes. We sleep in the same bed. We stay up late watching stupid reruns, and your mother brings us dinner all the time. But most of my things are still at Gaius' place. I've just been using yours… So, what's stopping you from asking me to move in?"

I stared at Merlin and watched him eat more cake. In some ways, it was like he was still blind. He would reach for things without looking. He would stare off into nowhere while he spoke. But he did use his eyes to cut himself some more cake, just to make sure he didn't cut himself… Though I'm not entirely sure he could since the cake slicer was plastic. I tore my eyes away from him and down to my own cake, which was down to about a bite left.

"Cut me another piece, would you?" I asked, eating my last bit. Merlin complied and cut the piece, but I put it on my plate. Merlin was staring at me. I knew it. I could see it out of the corner of my eye.

"Arthur," he scolded. I gave him my best innocent look.

"What?"

"You're avoiding the question," Merlin said, setting down his fork. He crossed his arms and stared determinedly at me.

"What? I just didn't think you'd want to," I said. "Gaius loves living with you, and you love living with Gaius. I didn't want to ask you to move in and break that up."

"How noble." Merlin leaned back in his chair. "Don't worry about that though. Gaius has been asking me why I haven't packed my things for the last week or so. We could do it slowly, you know so the press won't suspect us for bringing my things in all at once."

"Hmm… I guess that's the best idea… So, Merlin. Would you like to move in with me?" I asked, though that was just a formality. I grinned innocently, like it wasn't. Merlin laughed. Score.

"I suppose I'll have to think about it," he said. He laughed again. "Of course I will."

"Good, but we'll bring it all over at once… Or… should I say 'they'll bring it all over at once'?" I put a new piece of cake in my mouth, the warm, chocolaty goodness making my tongue almost shove it down my throat in its eagerness to taste it. I resisted the urge to eat the cake and simply smirked impishly, waiting for Merlin to ask about my meaning.

"They?" he said, and I knew I had him. "Why would 'they' need to bring my things?"

"Because," I began, swallowing my tasty treat. "You won't be here that week. I want to take you to Paris."

If I thought the celebratory cake made him happy, Paris nearly killed him. He beamed like the sun at the news. He had eyes with which to see the city of lights, the city of beauty, and the city I'd told him reminded me of him. Merlin was my Paris at night, flying in over the Eiffel Tower and seeing all the grounded stars. Now Merlin would be able to see it. I'd make sure our plane arrived at night, so he could see what I'd seen the day I'd sent that text to him.

We just had to wait for a break in my shooting schedule and we'd be off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preview, Chapter 28 – Romance in the Air
> 
> There's something about opening up to a magazine interviewer about a secret gay relationship that just seems so…. insidious.
> 
> Legends: How long do you suspect the relationship to last?
> 
> There were roses. Lots of roses. And candles. And mood lighting. Everything caught his attention. He found so many mundane things to be beautiful. We went to the Eiffel Tower the first day, raced up the first few flights of stairs and then rested and got lunch at the buffet because it was cheaper and we could actually understand the menu.
> 
> You would have thought it was the perfect Spring day. The sun was bright and high. For once, the silly British weather system decided to be kind to someone and be beautiful for their special day.
> 
> "Don't be ridiculous. Gwen loves you too much. Besides, when has she had a chance to fall in love with someone else? You guys are never apart from each other," I pointed out.
> 
> "You know, I love you," I said as though it was something new. Merlin smiled.
> 
> "I know. I love you too."


	28. Romance in the Air

There's something about opening up to a magazine interviewer about a secret gay relationship that just seems so…. insidious. When it came to Sophia and Vivian, I let the press in on everything, but I hadn't actually liked them… and I let the press know it. Every flaw in our relationship was blown up and scrutinized in the limelight, and the crowds almost always took my side. However, my relationship with Merlin felt much more personal, much more taboo for interviews, so I was not keen to tell this interviewer anything.

It was the basic stuff first.

Legends: Let's start with the most basic question. Arthur, does this mean you're off the market?

Arthur Pendragon: I'd say that's a bit of a stupid question, but yes. That's definitely what this means.

L: So you're dating a guy now. Let us know: Is this a new revelation or have you always known this about yourself?

AP: That I'm gay? I've always known. Without going too deep into the subject and my inner conflict, for most of my life I've been trying to be perfect and normal. I've always been into men, but I convinced myself I liked a couple women. Well, we all know how _those_ relationships worked out, don't we?

L: How long have you known this man?

AP: Uh… We've been a part of each other's lives for about six years, technically.

L: What do you mean, 'technically'?

AP: Well we met once during an incident during a shooting of mine when I was fifteen. We didn't officially meet and become close until about October of this past year.

L: How long have you been dating?

AP: -laughs- Since mid-November.

L: Short time-span. How long do you suspect the relationship to last?

AP: As long as he'll have me. I have become closer to him in the past months than I have ever been with another person in my entire life. He has helped me fix my perspective on my career, my family, and my life. I've become a much better person because of him.

L: Yes, we've all noticed you've dropped out of the spotlight. Why is that?

AP: I realized that posting my every move in the next glamour magazine wasn't in my best interest. It was invasive and dangerous to my mental well-being. I was losing myself in the need to be famous. Now I can focus on my job and be popular for my talent instead of my ego.

The interview pressed deeper. How old was he? He didn't work for my industry so how did I re-meet him? Did my parents like him? Did his parents like me? What exactly did he help me fix about my views? I tried to answer as much as I felt was essential, straying away from topics I felt were unimportant and unnecessary. At the end of the interview, I realized one major question and piece of information was missing.

L: I think that's all the questions we have for you.

AP: Aren't you forgetting one major point?

L: What's that?

AP: Don't you want to know his name?

L: Yes! We were actually hoping you'd bring that up. What IS the name of your mystery guy?

AP: Merlin. His name is Merlin. And that's all the time I have for you today.

L: Thank you very much for your time, Arthur.

It still struck me that they waited for _me_ to talk about his name. I had expected it to be one of the first questions, but it seemed I was wrong. Did they not even care what his name was? Did it not matter if he was real or not? Part of me felt like they only cared because it was an image they were selling, a gossip column and not a person. Yeah, well screw them too.

I had a date with my 'mystery guy' anyway… and all the papers knew it. The week of Valentine's Day was too busy and too cheesy for travel. For that, Merlin and I simply spent all day inside – ahem, if you catch my meaning. I even did it like a romantic movie. There were roses. Lots of roses. And candles. And mood lighting. I cooked dinner. Merlin made dessert. Merlin spent a lot of time looking at the room, just staring at each detail and letting it sink in. He cradled roses in his fingers, watched the way the flames of the candles wiggled. He made cupcakes for dessert, following my mother's recipe, and had almost too much fun making puffy white clouds of flour.

I didn't mind his staring. It was like an addition to my own ego, watching him explore each new event in his life with the curiosity of … well of a blind man who'd been given new sight. Everything caught his attention. He found so many mundane things to be beautiful.

After dessert, we hopped in my car and drove to the pier to watch the night overtake the beach.

But the week of Valentine's Day was much too busy to think of traveling on. So we waited until the next week to go on our adventure. In the aftermath of the lover's week, I scored us discount tickets to Paris. Merlin, who I learned had never flown before in his life, got the window seat and watched the view for most of the flight. He took a short nap on my shoulder when his stomach decided to disagree with him, but when he woke up his nose was back to the window.

Merlin loved Paris. The lightning as we landed made his heart audibly ache. He kept shooting me sideways glances that I pretended not to notice. He was undoubtedly thinking back to my text message in November. It made my heart beat faster in nervousness and excitement and an overwhelming feeling of pride. He was getting a glimpse into how I saw him – my Paris.

He seemed to really like it.

We got to our hotel, one with a balcony that let you see the Champs-Élysées but wasn't right next to that street so you didn't have to totally worry about traffic. The first night was us on the small balcony, looking out at the city and eating room service croissants. Merlin never let me forget that he didn't like me spending so much money on him, but I assured him I had plenty of it saved up over the years. My parents always bought everything because they were rich too. I'd been collecting interest on thousands of dollars since I was five and never used my own money until I was eighteen and wanted my own home above my parents. When that tenant moved out, I snagged it. Other than that and car insurance, I paid for virtually nothing. I had plenty of money.

"Did you know I was once called the youngest millionaire in Europe?" I asked while taking a bite of bread. Merlin snorted.

"You were not," he said. I couldn't help but grin.

"No. I wasn't. But I probably could've been."

Merlin elbowed me in the ribs, almost making me cough out that bread I was eating. I shoved him playfully in return and he laughed.

We went to the Eiffel Tower the first day, raced up the first few flights of stairs and then rested and got lunch at the buffet because it was cheaper and we could actually understand the menu. We walked like normal people for the second half of the steps of the tower. We counted every single step, all 1,665 on the way down. I lost count once, but Merlin corrected me and started counting out loud… very loudly. But the real treat was going to the top of the tower. It was a monstrous wait time, but we were nibbling on pizza and snacks in the meantime anyway, so we barely noticed. It was fun, just hanging out and talking and watching people. We tried to guess what the French people were saying around us, but my French was rusty and Merlin had never learned it.

I kissed him at the top. We had a nice American tourist take our picture and then it was back down to head out for dinner. Nothing fancy, Merlin made me promise, but cute corner cafes were alright with him.

Day two, we went shopping in the Champs. We started at one end and somehow made it to the other before night fall. It was a mystery how. Merlin stopped at every stand, convinced he'd find something magical or amazing. He found everything to be magical, though. He just didn't want to buy it all. Halfway down, he bought a necklace, a jaded, red stone hung on a black string, and he gave it to me. He said the whistle was important, but the red matched me better. With his eyes, a glinting stone might announce my presence better. I didn't think so. His ears were acute. I figured he just wanted to show his affection by finally buying _me_ something.

I wore it all day, all night, all week. Merlin bought four bracelets he swore were for Gwen and Morgana, but he ended up wearing them for the rest of our trip, jingling a bit wherever he went. I bought exact copies to give to the girls because I knew Merlin would fall in love with his and never be able to part with them…. So it surprised me when, after we got back to the hotel that night, Merlin took all the bracelets and paired them up with each other. He gave me two that matched two he put back on his own wrist. The other two sets went to the girls.

Merlin said I looked handsome in my new jewelry, and the bracelets made his wrists look somehow sexier than before, in my opinion. The new jewelry ended up being the only things we wore to bed that night, and the bracelets clicked together as we made love to the sounds of the night and a French street musician playing love songs to the moon.

Not to throw off the mood, but that was rather romantic, wasn't it? Merlin certainly thought so.

Day three, we walked the streets, taking in the statues and the fountains around town. We passed the Arc de Triomphe and visited a museum that was much too large and had me going to sleep but had Merlin flittering around like an excited hummingbird. I didn't really understand it. I liked art well enough, but when we got back to the hotel, I was ready to die and Merlin was calling his mother to rant about the amazing artwork he'd seen.

Day four, we went shopping again. This time we went for clothes, some street clothes, but mostly nicer things. I didn't let Merlin talk me out of it, and I took him to dinner that night at a fancy restaurant recommended by the hotel staff and a museum worker I'd spoken to the day before while Merlin mooned over Picasso and whoever. Merlin said he felt out of place, but I pointed out that he looked classy in his new clothes and if he'd still been blind he never would've known the difference. That got him to relax and we spent the rest of the night laughing about the museum the day before, about people we'd seen being attacked by a flock of hungry pigeons, and some particularly funny shapes we found in our food when we got it. We talked about home and the people there, and we speculated what pictures the magazines had of us at this point. It was debatable what stories would be published, but we were pretty sure they couldn't get anything negative out of what we were doing. Then we went back to joking about Will's reactions, words Gwen said because she was American, and Mordred's crush on Morgana.

Overall, it was a good four days. Day five we spent almost entirely in the hotel, packing and making sure we'd gone everywhere we wanted to go. We caught a plane late that night. While we waited for it, Merlin read 'Persuasion' by Jane Austen and I slept on him. When he woke me up for our flight, he had a French dictionary out, which made me wonder who he'd been talking to, but he said nothing interesting happened while I was out.

The flight back was groggy, but Merlin kept me awake by reading words from his French-English dictionary and making me guess what they meant. I got about half of it right, but I couldn't speak anything in sentences. When we landed, both of us were sleeping, Merlin against the window and me against him. Mum met us at the terminal, welcoming us back with large hugs and asking about gifts. Merlin slipped one of the bracelets on her wrist, which she thanked him profusely for.

Morgana and Gwen got matching bracelets, made lots of squee-ing noises, and hugged each other like old friends. They must have spent more time together while we were away. The last bracelet we gave to Hunith, who looked like she might cry about it. She gave us each a big hug and kept looking at it like it was one of the greatest gifts she'd ever be given, something precious.

It was a wonderful reunion, and the magazine Mum grabbed the next morning reported us as having gone on a romantic French get away. That was it. I was very proud of them. It seemed they were starting to treat us like any other couple in the movie business. I guess Merlin had been right, the sooner we got it out there, the sooner they would leave us alone. Still, I wasn't convinced the paparazzi was done with us, but only time would tell.

* * *

April 28th.

You would have thought it was the perfect Spring day. The sun was bright and high. For once, the silly British weather system decided to be kind to someone and be beautiful for their special day. The temperature was a mild degree which meant all of us sitting in the direct sun weren't sweating like idiots. The area was gorgeous. There were yellow roses and purple carnations set on every surface and hanging from a gazebo that stood before a procession of forty chairs.

A small wedding, just the way Guinevere wanted. A spring wedding, just like Lancelot wanted. It was a win/win situation, no doubt. Mother, Father, Mordred, Merlin, and myself were there, along with my aunt and uncle – Lancelot's parents on my father's side, and Uncle Tristan, on my mother's. Gwen's entire extended family was there, equaling a grand total of twenty people there to wish her well and congratulate her, ranging from children to grandparents. Morgana sat near us, and there were also a few friends of Lancelot's from work and two of Gwen's friends from America. Lancelot helped some of them pay for the trip over, using some of his savings. He wanted everyone important to Gwen to be there.

Lancelot looked more nervous than I'd ever seen him. I stood by him as his best man and had to continuously smack him in the shoulder to remind him to breathe. The music hadn't even started up yet and he was freaking out.

"Lancelot, will you calm down? You're getting married, not wrestling bears," I reminded. Lancelot took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I know. I know. I'm just anxious. There's still time for one of those movie scenes where the bride realizes she's in love with someone else and runs off," he said, rubbing his face down. He'd shaved and cut his hair for this.

"Don't be ridiculous. Gwen loves you too much. Besides, when has she had a chance to fall in love with someone else? You guys are never apart from each other," I pointed out. "She's going to walk down that aisle like a chocolate goddess, and you're going to be so stunned, you'll forget how to say anything but 'I do'. So shut up and stand up straight."

Lancelot took a deep breath and seemed to suck in his gut too. He stood super straight until it seemed the strain of it was too much and he relaxed to just properly straight. I laughed quietly behind his back. Something in the audience caught my attention and I looked to the front row where Merlin sat, waving at me like the minister was going to scold him if he waved any more obvious than a shy third grader. I gave him a wink and he laughed silently.

I motioned to my outfit and Merlin nodded, gave me a thumbs up, and then winked. That's a triple whammy. The murmurs of the guests around us made us seem insignificant, which was good or else me making odd gestures to myself might have been weird. Father kept glancing at us, but then Mum would redirect his attention to her with conversation and sometimes forcing his face to look at her. Father may have accepted us, but he still kept an eye on us. He hadn't been totally happy with my interview with Legends, said I held back on too many questions and got too personal on others. Just couldn't please him, I suppose.

Merlin had liked it. That's all I cared about.

I watched as Morgana fussed over Mordred, fixing his little tie and folding down his collar. He was so embarrassed, he couldn't look her in the eyes. In less than a month, he'd be fifteen. I felt reverent every time I thought about it. He was growing up. Soon he'd be old enough that if he _did_ date Morgana, no one would notice the age difference. I wondered if he'd like her even when she started looking older and he was looking young and handsome. I wondered how long he'd keep his crush on her.

Then the music started. All eyes turned to watch as Gwen and her father strolled up the stone path to the gazebo, Gwen's eight year old niece only seven paces in front of them, tossing out flower petals like candy at a parade. I hadn't been lying! Gwen looked fantastic! Her dress was short, barely skimming the ground when she wore her heels, and it wasn't all that poofy like the dresses I saw in films either. It was flowy, like an evening gown. Little flowers, alternating between yellow and purple, were beaded around the hemline and the bodice – aka, the part around her somehow much more noticeable breasts. She had no sleeves, but wore gloves three quarters up her arm. Her hair was done up in a bun, a few strands hanging down in by her face, visible even through her veil.

"Woah, she's beautiful," I whispered to Lancelot. He inconspicuously kicked me and beamed at his bride to be. She was blushing and giddy as her father kissed her and handed her up to Lancelot on the gazebo.

It was all pretty basic as far as weddings go. They said their little vows and I Do's. It was all standard, but the important part was the overwhelming feeling of love in the area. I'd been to a wedding before, and it felt nothing like this one. This one was movie perfect – with the weather and the flowers and the bride. It was absolutely beautiful… and maybe it was just me. Maybe I just hadn't been emotionally capable of feeling the love at that other wedding, but I still thought this one was the best.

After they kissed and cameras went off, we all followed them into a reception hall where the caterers had prepared both America style and British style foods. Everyone tried both, a symbol of the blending of styles in this union. It was pretty good, I must say.

There was dancing. Most people danced in the center of the room on the miniature dance floor, like my mother and father, but I danced with Merlin in the corner by our table while Father was distracted. I noticed some of Gwen's family regarding us curiously, but they didn't look upset or put-off, so I ignored them. It was a beautiful day filled with love, and I was with Merlin.

"You know, I love you," I said as though it was something new. Merlin smiled.

"I know. I love you too." He kissed me on the cheek, similar to how the French do. "I really love you."

"Oh?" I stopped our slow dancing and took his hand. "Then don't make a scene and let's step outside."

"Huh?" He was confused, but he didn't argue. I led him out into the sunshine, out of everyone's view and out of earshot. Once out there, I kissed his cheek and then his hand. "Arthur, what's going on?" he asked.

"This is Gwen and Lancelot's wedding," I said, smiling. "But I want to bring the spotlight back to us for a second. See, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, growing as a person and an actor. I want to learn everything about you, even the small stuff I haven't figured out yet. I want you to be there with me when I rant about how stupid the industry is and how stupid you are, but you'll always know I'm just kidding or being stupid myself. And I'll be getting even more famous, because you know how I love to be famous. And I'll have men and women throwing themselves at me, but you won't care because you'll know you're the only one I truly care about. But I kinda want to be clear about that. I want everything for you, and I want to make that solid and physical."

"Well, I want that too," Merlin said, but I could tell he didn't see where this was going. "What's your point?"

"My point is, I can get down on one knee, or I could just slip this damn thing on your finger while I'm standing," I said. I pulled a ring from my inside coat pocket. It was nothing special, just a simple white-gold band, but it was a promise between us if he accepted it.

Merlin squinted at it in the bright sunlight and then his eyes widened. He looked up at me as though he honestly couldn't believe I'd done something like this… especially during someone else's wedding, but I couldn't decide if it was a good shock or not.

"Well," he finally spoke, eyes returning to normal but his demeanor still shaken. "Since there won't be an actual wedding involved, I suppose standing would be fine."

"Good, because I'd hate to get my suit dirty," I said, taking his hand and slipping the ring on. I produced an identical ring and let him slip it on my finger as well. "Yours is smaller, so we'll never get them mixed up."

"Are you trying to say I'm tiny?" Merlin asked, supposedly offended but smiling like an idiot. He kissed me then, and I resisted the urge to shove my tongue down his throat. That was something we saved for private nowadays – it was too easy for the press to get photos of it otherwise and those were always awkward. We usually only kissed each other on the cheek in public. But it was a special circumstance so a few kisses on the mouth were allowed.

When Merlin pulled away, he slipped his ringed hand into my right hand and squeezed it tight. I gave him one of my innocent looks, as though I hadn't just done something totally romantic and cheesy, and shrugged. He laughed at me and then pulled me back inside. Mother and Father were just taking their seats as the dancing began to finish. Father opened his mouth to ask where we'd been, but mother pat his shoulder and he dropped it. Good, because I wouldn't have explained anyway.

My hand on Merlin's knee, I looked over to the dance floor. As the last song slowed, only two couples were on the dance floor. Morgana with my quite-a-bit shorter brother and the happy couple. The image of Morgana and Mordred was slightly comical, but no one said anything. Lancelot cast them a glance, but only had eyes for Gwen. I only had eyes for Merlin, but it wasn't my wedding… so I let my gaze look over everyone. I loved all the people in the room that I knew. Thanks to Merlin's influence, my relationships with all of them had improved greatly over the last half a year. Back when I first entered that bookshop, I would have blown off this entire wedding and probably gotten back together with Vivian just for lack of anything better to do. Things were different now.

I looked over at Merlin, noting the small white lines in his eyes, the scars forming in there. It was kind of magical. He noticed me staring and smiled. Funny. I used to think his attention was beyond my reach, but he'd always known me. Merlin had that kind of influence and power - to change people, or at least to change me. I cast my gaze over the table as Mordred and Morgana returned. This was the kind of family I'd always wanted. No… This was the kind of family I'd always needed. I just hadn't known it.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading. I had tons of fun writing this story.


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